A song plays. A breeze brushes past my face. A scene from a movie crosses the screen. I stand in the kitchen for no certain reason. A sunset paints itself across the horizon. Our dog sticks his head out the window. I lay silently in bed.
This Sunday will mark my baby's 26th birthday....or 4th birthday in heaven. However you want to look at it.
Birthday's we're always such a happy time but even three years later, the angst of certain holidays never weaken with time.
The other night I had a dream with Michael in it.
A festival of some sort was taking place and I stood some distance away...eyes glued to my love. Something passed by, that before Michael could even look at it, I knew would be something he'd find amusing.
I knew it would happen. One of the things that melted my heart and still brings butterflies to my belly to think about.
He would smile.Read more
I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When I finally looked over at myself, the real pain settled in my heart. A pain that recognized that I had not only lost my soul mate, but along with him, myself.Read more
Being a widow is no easy thing.
From picking up the pieces , staring at them like they're some foreign thing, and trying to create something semi-comprehensible....to the "outliers" (those are the people outside my situation), that try and put their two cents in...or in most cases...89 cents in, to what my life should be. There's a lot going on. But if there is anything that I have learned, it's to FIGHT THE POWER.
I'm here at the 2010 Camp Widow in San Diego and having an amazing time thus far.
In the amazing connections I've made in such a short time (it's how we widows work...warp speed), I've been recalling something I've learned in the 3 years since my baby's death, but is brought even more to the forefront in an environment such as this, where growth is 'aplenty.
One restless night of blog surfing, I saw someone post the exact number of days since they lost their soul mate.
I must admit, I stopped long ago in counting the exact days and months since Michael was killed. Knowing such numbers, especially in the never-ending days in the beginning of my grief, seemed like mental suicide. As much as I'm a believer that each day on earth is a day closer to them in heaven, I couldn't fathom marking and taking note of each day without him...that is a loss in my being that no month, date, calendar, or clock can construe.
Sometimes I wonder how....
I had the Johnny and June idea about our life together. One of us would die and within a couple of months the other would die of a broken heart.
Fast forward to almost 3 years later, and that theory has been proven wrong.....Even though there have been many times I've begged for it's brokenness to take over the rest of my body to finally reunite me with Michael.
For those that really know me, they know how open I am in sharing that a huge percentage of the reason I am still here today, has been due to my friends.
Before Michael was killed, my friendships were on a superficial level. This wasn't to say that I didn't have long-time friends, but the essence of who I was wasn't truly understood.
The only person that knew me past the candy coating was Michael, and for my life, that was all I really needed.
"I don't understand what's happened to me?"
"It's huge. You've finely embraced the life you hadn't planned on."
This quote from a movie just keeps echoing in my brain.