If I could...
These 6 1/2 years later than the day after your death that I never thought I'd survive...
I would approach you hesitantly...
I would rush into your arms...
I would stand in wonder...
I would stare disbelievingly at you...
I would shake my head back and forth...
Whispers of you and I
Echo in each pulse beat
that brings life to my body.
So much Love.
It's been 6 years and 5 months since Chuck died.
I kind of feel like I need to put that identifier in so that anyone who reads this will have a gauge.
Except that those newly living this widowed life might look at the time since and then read this blog and shudder.
Or shrink back in dismay.
The confusion lasts that long?
And I don't mean to convey that.
It's all personal, right?
That's what we always hear, anyways.
So, apologies ahead of time to anyone who reads this and is discouraged...Read more
70. 20. 10. 65. 85. 60. 1.
East to west to north to south and back again.
The Oregon coast. The road to the Keys. New England. The Southwest. Deep South.
Roads and directions and places and, most of all...memories.Read more
It seems that my imagination...what goes on in my mind to help me manage this life...has ramped up.
Almost any situation I encounter has a counterpart from various movies I've watched over the years.
The big picture of all of this is me in the middle of a romantic comedy.
I've always loved watching romcoms.
Chuck used to watch them with me.Read more
I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him.
I hoped that we'd have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn't have much longer on this earth.
Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I'm in those last days again.
Fucking cancer.Read more
Whispers of you echo through my years.
Echoes now, even more than memories.
The passing of Time has dulled the pain,
But it has also sullied my memory.Read more
Chuck's death did not break me.
I am not broken.
My heart shattered when he died.
It is shattered still.
I feel dislocated.
Trying to find my footing each day without him.
Yes, even six years later.
But not broken.
I don't need fixing.
I never did.
I fully recognize the people who shine a light for me on this darkened pathway.
And I recognize those who don't.
I draw healthy boundaries with those who don't.
And I celebrate those who do.
My heart overflows with Love.
The Love left behind for me by Chuck, and the Love gifted to me by the ones shining the light of Love for me, helping to illuminate my way.
It's all one and the same for me.
I'll always write about it...about Chuck and our Love story.
Always speak about it.
Write and speak about his absence from my life now, and the Love that lives on, in so many varied forms.
And I'll always and forever create beauty from it.
stripped me down to bone and marrow.
It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons
And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground
A sharp bladed axe,
Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII
Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground.
Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.Read more
You are so far away now.
6 years away.
A lifetime away.
A moment away.
But a moment that is memory rather than feeling.