.... that is causing so many of us to feel so many more emotions right now?
I don't know.
I still don't know how this grief thing works.
Or, more pointedly, how it doesn't work.
All I do know is that it sucks.
.... that my children became orphans on December 18, 2007.
OK, they didn't literally become orphans.
But technically .... they did.
They lost both of their parents that day.
Yes, I was here in body, but only in body.
My body was empty of any resemblance of me.
All it held was the cold, black grief that enveloped every part of me .... grief moved into every space, every cell of my being, and took over.
It takes a long time.... to get from there .... to here.
It has taken me almost 4 years to get here.
Four years that have seemed like one day .... and forty years .... all at the same time.
Six years before Jim died he had an accident on his family's farm, at Thanksgiving. As an aside, it seems that the big events in his life, and therefore, in mine .... happened either on, or very close to, a holiday. He went out proving that .... one week before Christmas.
.... was had by all.
I am at the San Diego airport, waiting for my flight back to Houston.
I am spent.
I am exhausted.
Physically and emotionally.
And I know I'm not the only one.
But it's a good exhaustion.
And I know I'm the only person who thinks that.
.... than the word, "widowed".
I used to hate that word.
In the first two years out.
Refused to use it or answer to it.
... from life.
From life as I know it.
From life as I've known it for the past 3+ years.
I am overwhelmed.
(This is a post I wrote 10 months after Jim died. It still applies.)
This is one of those pictures that doesn't need any words about love. It's there.
OK, let me just warn you upfront. This is going to be a weird post. I'm going to try to explain something that I felt yesterday but I don't really know how to explain it, and I wonder how many people are just going to think I'm some weirdo. I've already told you that I have difficulty stating my emotions, so this post is huge. Well, for me. Probably not for you.Read more
.... which really isn't newsworthy (or blog-worthy) in and of itself.
But I think that all of you will understand why I felt the need to write about it .... and to show it to you:
.... like this picture of Jim .... no longer make me cry.
Well, the majority of the time.
There are always "one of those days/weeks", but they are few and far between now.
.... last night that Jim came back.
I know. A nightmare? It should have been a dream.
A wonderful dream.
But it wasn't.
He just walked in to our house one day.
Three and a half years after his "death" .... he just walked in.
In this dream he had been in the Service and I had evidently been notified that he had been killed.
I guess they never found his body .... you know how dreams are.