...... but then, I'm sure you feel the same way.
And we're all ok with that.
It's probably safe to say that none of us would ever have met one another, had we not experienced the loss of half of our heart.
Had Jim not died, I'd most likely still be writing funny stories about our family ...... not stories about learning how to survive what happened to our family.
I certainly wouldn't be telling people I care about ...... that I wish I'd never met them.
..... Part 2.
I arrived in NYC today ....... for the first time since taking my youngest child to college.
This was the day I've been waiting for ...... for about a year now. It didn't totally look like I saw it happening in my head a year ago. But that's because I have 2 of my daughters living here with me.
I did NOT see that happening.
...... same passion.
I had a discussion this past weekend that I've had several times before.
It's a discussion that I am so passionate about ...... that it brings tears every single time it occurs.
All it takes is four words.
Four words that set me off quicker than most any other words can (unless they're negative words about my children).
"Suicide is so selfish."
...... it sometimes slams right in your face.
Some doors are like that. They suddenly slam shut with so much force that you're knocked backwards.
The door on my "before" life shut like that.
Other doors close very slowly. You can tell that they're closing, but it's such a slow process that you can't actually see the movement.
But you know it's coming.
...... and explaining my "After".
This past weekend I went back to my home town for a party. It was a mini-reunion of sorts. Several people from our high school class came, as well as others from a couple of other years ...... and several spouses.
I loved high school ...... most of it anyway.. I don't know any teenager who loves all of it. But I enjoyed it.
And I really looked forward to attending this party. There were going to be friends there whom I hadn't seen in years.
Or maybe decades.
.... or am I just a moron?
I'd like to think it's Widda Brain.
But how long can I claim that?
I mean, my life is forever changed because I've been widowed .... it will never be the same. Ever.
So .... I should be able to claim "incapacitation due to Widda Brain".
It should be an accepted medical term.
I wonder if it's an accepted mental health term?
Anyway .... I'll tell you what happened (I can NOT believe I'm telling you what happened!).
(Surprisingly enough, I wrote this post before I read Amanda's post from yesterday. It seems we know some of the same people! :)
It's about money.
Or the lack thereof.
.... and I don't really think I want to be.
But it would certainly make some things easier .... relationships, for instance. I wouldn't have to guess what a certain word is supposed to mean .... or a certain look ..... or the raise of an eyebrow. I wouldn't have to wonder if all men like this, or hate that ..... or if all widows feel this, or cry over that.
I wouldn't have to question someone's motive ..... or worry that something I said or did may have upset someone. Or was it something I didn't say? Or didn't do?
I don't think there's anyone into who's brain I want to delve that deeply .... but it would be nice to know how grief feels to my 3rd son, versus my 2nd daughter ..... or me.
I hate not knowing that.
I hate not being able to really understand their grief and how it manifests itself.
And I really hate not being able to take it from them.
.... I hate rage the most.
Or at least it's in the top 3.
Pity might be number 1.
It's an exhausting emotion and it leads people to make very bad, very poor choices while they are in it. And you mostly feel worse afterwards.
Rage has been a regular visitor at my house over the last 2 weeks.
I will not bore you with all of the horrid "teenage vs. parent" details. Let me just say that when you add in "grieving teenage boys vs. parent (singular)" ..... it can be more horrid that you can imagine.
.... or does anyone else ever feel like moving away and starting over?
From everyone that knew them "before" .... and from all of those friends who can't seem to see you as anything but "different" ..... and it all seems to get worse as time goes on?
I have now passed the 4 year mark.
This is my life.
I am no longer married.
I am single.
I get that.