It's his birthday this week.  March 22nd.  On this day, I will always "celebrate" Mike.  There will never be a March 22nd that I don't spend with him.  On his birthday I purposefully choose to remember the way he lived.  I  celebrate the life and love we shared together.  This is how I try to honor him everyday - not just on his birthday.  That being the case, I admit that I want to do something more on his special day, but I haven't completely decided what this might be. 

In the grief world people do all different types of things to mark birthdays.  The way we choose to celebrate our person are varied.  The only thing constant is that the celebrations are fitting for those who died.  I like that.  Not one type of birthday celebration will do because the people we are honoring are separate, unique individuals.  To honor their person, some people release balloons and the environmentalist scold them, others set off lanterns that are biodegradable - they don't receive any backlash.  Some choose to cook their person's favorite meal.  Some people gather friends and family together.  Some go to the cemetery.  Some have cake.  Some people spend the day alone - in bed.   There really is no correct way to mark a birthday for someone who died, or for someone who is living for that matter. 

For me, on significant days, I find that I am less out of sorts if I have a plan of some kind.  When special days occur on the calendar I prefer to plan something.  If I don't organize something, then grief leads me places I don't want to go.  Creating a shape for the day is what works best for me.  You might be different.  Grief has many commonalities, but each of our experiences is unique.  So, I think that we should do whatever is best for us.  We should do whatever soothes our Soul. 

Because I love to write, it's not surprising that I will write Mike a birthday letter.  I will go to the grave and tie a balloon to the shepherd's hook I have lovingly placed behind his headstone.  To Mike, there will be a handwritten message on his birthday balloon.   I will stand there, on his grave, wishing with all my heart that things were different.  I will play him some of our favorite songs, and I will toast him with his favorite wine.  And, then I will cry.  Before I leave, I will read Mike his birthday letter.  And, then, I will cry some more.  My graveside visit is very precise and predictable because I have completed this ritual for all our significant dates.  I know how it feels.  I know what to expect.  And, I find it comforting in some strange way.  For me, it feels right to honor Mike in this way.  My rituals are sacred and intimate for us. 

However, I am an overachiever and I outgrow routine quickly; so, this year, I want to do more to mark his birthday.  I feel it is necessary.  Mike's life was bigger than my ritual of reading him a birthday letter and toasting him with a glass of Malbec.  His love for me was deeper than just me, his widow, standing at his graveside offering a balloon to the man she loves.  (For those of you who did these exact things please know that your gestures were perfect as they are.  Nothing more is needed to honor your loved one's birthday.  It's just me.  This year, I know that I need to change things up.)

I honor Mike every day - in both big and small ways.  Daily, I credit him with the profound impact he has on my life.  I think we all do this as widows and widowers.  I believe that we naturally "celebrate" our person, in their absence, every day of the year.  Yet, for me, my Soul is calling me to do something more on for Mike on his birthday this year,  I just haven't figured out what...

As 5 years without you, edges its' way ever nearer to me, and as my heart and soul hear the shuffle of time coming closer, creeping past, zooming closer, flying past..

As these ten thousand years have passed, since his death, as each nanosecond passes in the here and now, I remember how he loved me, how I loved him.

I remember his calm spirit and his groan-worthy jokes. I remember his dedication to the military and how glad he was to retire, having done his time. His quiet rebellions that grew from holding his own counsel and just going about business in the way he knew he needed to do. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, he told me many times, and that thought carried him through his military service. I remember how he not only read the Big Book of AA but read what it all meant, and the history of it; he gave context to AA and the 12 Steps and Tradition, and living a life of sobriety. Chuck lived his sobriety as honestly as he could, every day. Not perfectly, but as well as he could, and he earned the respect of many because of it.

His promise wasn’t given lightly, and I could count on his promises being kept. His promises were his word, given as a gentleman of old times would give his word. It was his honor, and he held true to it, whether that promise was made to me or one of our kids or a friend or anyone else.

Photo source: mapofthenight

Grief takes us to a secluded, dark place. 

 We hesitate. 

We resist settling into this lonely realm. 

But, in order to slowly breathe life back into ourselves,

We have to temporarily take residence in this muted, mysterious environment,    

I resisted this shadowy, hidden place for a long, long time. 

I ran from it whenever possible. 

Because, I was scared to be alone in the "nothingness" of this place.

I had the notion that my fears would swallow me alive.

I thought I would drown in the silence. 

Maybe you feel like this today. 

If you feel lonely,

Displaced and rootless,

You are not alone...

If you are drifting in a place of "nothingness"

Does it comfort you to know,

I am here - in this abyss - with you.

Take my hand,

Let's find our way... 

We need to turn to our hearts for direction. 

If you listen, in the stillness, past your heartbeat, you can faintly hear the breeze. 

The Winds of Change are here... 

I take thee, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, until death do us part.

If he only knew what those vows mean.

He does though.  He always will.

If there’s something powerful about telling your own stories, there is something equally profound in hearing someone else tell your story to others. For centuries, we have been telling stories. Well before we could write, the most important and valuable knowledge we had as humans was passed down through stories and spoken word. And although our modern culture has become removed somewhat from traditions of telling stories in the same way, it is no surprise that spoken word seems to touch a very ancient part of our being. A part of us all that remembers our ancestral traditions. Something inside us that knows... stories spoken were stories we valued, ones we wanted our civilization to remember decades to come.

Every time I have had someone else put my story into words, it has changed me. It has changed how I view myself, for the better. It has added another layer of meaning to this horrendous journey of widowhood, too.

I’m going to say that one of the greatest occurrences of this happened just a few days ago. Many of you know our Friday writer, Kelley Lynn, and that she was selected recently to do a TEDx talk on grief and living on. I’ll spare the details, as I am certain she will be eager to tell you all about her own experience of doing this talk, but what I will share is that my story was a part of her story. She chose a few individuals to make examples of to drive her inspiring message home, and one of those examples was from my own life. 

I hardly have the words for what this experience was to me. Initially, as I logged in to watch her talk stream live online, I was just excited to see my friend up there, doing her thing so well. I was excited to be a part of it with her. I was excited to think of how meaningful this moment was for her. But I wasn’t prepared for just how it would make me feel when she got to my story...