In today’s blog, I want to talk about something very sensitive, and that is having suicidal thoughts after the loss of a loved one. First and foremost, I want to say that I want to be very respectful of this post, to those we have lost to suicide. I also want to share my experience and what I went through when I lost my husband. Reflecting on a year ago today, I can tell you that when my husband passed away I wanted to die too. Many people don’t talk about this because they are afraid about what others might think, but I want to share my experience with you all because I am still living today and I hope that this blog helps someone in a positive way.
I wanted to write about this topic because if I felt the need of wanting to go with my husband when he passed, I am sure others feel or have felt the same way. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. He was my best friend, my soulmate, and my rock. I loved my life with him. Life seemed close to perfect. We had so many plans of growing our family, buying a cabin up north, traveling and continue to create beautiful memories in this life.
But on October 25, 2018, at 9:05 AM, that all ended. My husband was gone from this physical world and I was left alone to raise our child, with broken dreams and a shattered heart. How was I ever going to survive this? How was I going to build a new life, when I had already lived the life I had always wanted? Some days I felt like my heart was just going to stop because it was in so much pain.
I had many days and nights that I wished I was the one that would have died instead of him. I would be at a stoplight and wished a car would just come towards me and end it. I had other dark thoughts, that I will keep private. I desperately just wanted to be with my husband. My love for him was so deep and we were so in sync that I didn’t know how to live without him. I didn’t want to know how to live without him. It's incredibly painful just to be alive, as I was surviving his death each day.
Three months after my husband passed away, my path crossed with this amazing person who is a grief counselor. She had experienced grief by experiencing the death of her son through suicide. She was raw, caring, honest and for the first time in three months, I felt like someone wanted to genuinely help me without any judgment or expectations. She helped me through my darkest days and I will forever be grateful to her.
Now, I volunteer at her organization that helps people move forward with their grief from losing a loved one from suicide, substance abuse, and traumatic loss. I was very fortunate to have met her and to continue to have her in my life.
I am still alive today because of several reasons…
1. The love for my daughter is so intense, that even though it pains me every day to experience things without my husband, I want her to have the best life that I can possibly give her. She doesn’t deserve any less.
2. Great counseling, prayer, books, podcast, journaling, having a strong support system. You don’t need to have a big support system, just a quality one with good people who are truly there for you.
3. I want to make my husband proud. The next time I see him, I want him to say that is MY WIFE and be proud of how I kept moving forward even in the mixed of tragedy and darkness.
Thank you all for reading another part of my experience as a widow. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You can always contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 24HRS every day. I am thankful to be alive today.