Surviving This

Dear Readers, 

In today’s blog, I want to talk about something very sensitive, and that is having suicidal thoughts after the loss of a loved one. First and foremost, I want to say that I want to be very respectful of this post, to those we have lost to suicide. I also want to share my experience and what I went through when I lost my husband. Reflecting on a year ago today, I can tell you that when my husband passed away I wanted to die too. Many people don’t talk about this because they are afraid about what others might think, but I want to share my experience with you all because I am still living today and I hope that this blog helps someone in a positive way. 

I wanted to write about this topic because if I felt the need of wanting to go with my husband when he passed, I am sure others feel or have felt the same way. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. He was my best friend, my soulmate, and my rock. I loved my life with him. Life seemed close to perfect. We had so many plans of growing our family, buying a cabin up north, traveling and continue to create beautiful memories in this life.

But on October 25, 2018, at 9:05 AM, that all ended. My husband was gone from this physical world and I was left alone to raise our child, with broken dreams and a shattered heart. How was I ever going to survive this? How was I going to build a new life, when I had already lived the life I had always wanted? Some days I felt like my heart was just going to stop because it was in so much pain. 

I had many days and nights that I wished I was the one that would have died instead of him. I would be at a stoplight and wished a car would just come towards me and end it. I had other dark thoughts, that I will keep private. I desperately just wanted to be with my husband. My love for him was so deep and we were so in sync that I didn’t know how to live without him. I didn’t want to know how to live without him. It's incredibly painful just to be alive, as I was surviving his death each day.

Three months after my husband passed away, my path crossed with this amazing person who is a grief counselor. She had experienced grief by experiencing the death of her son through suicide. She was raw, caring, honest and for the first time in three months, I felt like someone wanted to genuinely help me without any judgment or expectations. She helped me through my darkest days and I will forever be grateful to her.

Now, I volunteer at her organization that helps people move forward with their grief from losing a loved one from suicide, substance abuse, and traumatic loss. I was very fortunate to have met her and to continue to have her in my life.

I am still alive today because of several reasons…

1. The love for my daughter is so intense, that even though it pains me every day to experience things without my husband, I want her to have the best life that I can possibly give her. She doesn’t deserve any less.

2. Great counseling, prayer, books, podcast, journaling, having a strong support system. You don’t need to have a big support system, just a quality one with good people who are truly there for you.

3. I want to make my husband proud. The next time I see him, I want him to say that is MY WIFE and be proud of how I kept moving forward even in the mixed of tragedy and darkness.

Thank you all for reading another part of my experience as a widow. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You can always contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 24HRS every day. I am thankful to be alive today.


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  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-11-22 11:25:55 -0800
    I think it was perfectly normal to have that thought after losing your person. Before she got sick, I became longterm unemployed for what turned out to be 4 1/2 years except for some freelance here and there, very spotty. About a year into this Hell, I felt that I was coming to the end if my rope, I was sending out 200 resumes a week, and either got no response, an “I’m sorry” response or an angry “I got this 5 times stop sending it response”. I was in my 50s, saw no prospects and had the place and the method picked out. I didn’t go through with it, obviously. After that, I started going to Mass in the morning during the week. No, I do NOT credit that with making my decision not to do the deed.

    Its a good thing I didn’t because her health issues got worse and worse, and finally, after Hurricane Sandy, things came to a head. Her health got worse and she had to go the hospital. 7 months later, we had to abandon the house because of delayed issues from the storm. I was unemployed, she was a dialysis patient that needed a triple bypass and we couldn’t sleep in our house, so with no job, we were going from hotel to hotel, not knowing where we were going to sleep more than two nights in advance. Then she and her sister made peace and we went there.

    30 months after she passed, and had had heart surgery, one leg amputated and the other going to be amputated, and after 5 heart attacks and a stroke, he body just said “no more”, and she passed.

    I truly believe that having watched and seen and experienced all that made me a stronger person, though I still vent publicly, and that fact that I am a believer who’s faith says that suicides go to the bad place has kept me from pulling the plug on myself.

    At least I like to thing so.

    Peace out
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2019-11-21 20:24:18 -0800
    dear Mari
    thank you for sharing your post . 6 weeks ago Roger my husband died suddenly. roger was the love of my life and as far as marriage goes it was ‘3rd time lucky’ for both of us . we were together for 10 wonderful years we were destined for each other. Yesterday I was in a dark place wishing i could be with him and like you not fearing death but actually wanting it to happen. The thing is i am a medical social worker so i know or i think i knew all of the grief ‘stuff’ i even share an office with palliative care social worker ! I also know about suicide so its scary that I was having these thoughts . You don’t know how comforting it was to know that others feel the same way . Anyway I am feeling ok today
    thank again for sharing your post and thank you soaring spirits for your support and love
    julie (Australia)
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-11-21 12:54:29 -0800
    Thank you for your post Marty. I went to the link you sent me, and I can relate. Sometimes living minute by minute, hour by hour seems more tolerable than living day by day. Thank you again for sharing.
  • Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
    commented 2019-11-21 12:42:59 -0800
    Thank you, Mari, for having the courage to share your experience so openly ~ most especially because it helps to normalize what is for many a common reaction in grief, but rarely acknowledged or shared. Your readers might appreciate my own post on this topic, Thoughts of Suicide in Grief,