Stay the Course

I am no longer counting the days or the months of Mike's deadness. 

It has become irrelevant to me. 

The numbers don't matter anymore. 

Mike is gone.  Mike is really dead.  And, I am not.  This is what matters. 

 

I know this sounds harsh, but how else can I put it?  His death has been harsh, and that's such an understatment it is beyond ridiculous.  Mike being dead sucks more than anything has ever sucked in my entire life.  But, there is nothing that can change this.  It simply is what it is.  

 

His dead status is not fixable.  Nothing can be done to undo it.  And, no amount of practice or time makes me feel at "peace" with Mike being dead.  But, I know that I do have to accept that he is dead because it can not be changed. 

Until recently, I hated the word acceptance in relation to Mike's death.  I have consistently resisted acceptance until now.  To this point, I haven't learned to accept his death further than a cognitive level.  However, now, I acknowledge that I need to do more than this. 

This third year of widowhood, I have decided that I am going to try to accept Mike's death at the Heart level.  I know that in the Heart is where true acceptance exists.  True acceptance is something I have to feel, it isn't a thing I can think my way towards.

I am not entirely sure how to go about accepting Mike's death.  And, I am not sure if anything particular is required of me other than my strong desire to make acceptance happen.  I am going to simply stay the course and I will attempt to soften the edges of my grief - even more.  If I can make my grief "quieter", I know that I will begin to hear the heartbeat of life again.  Acceptance - it will ultimately lead me towards LIVING again; therefore it is mandatory for me to work on it.

I am absolutely determined to focus on LIVING because this is the only way I know how to survive his death. 

With two years of widowhood complete, my grief has changed in many significant ways; and, I feel even more big changes coming my way in the near future.  Change no longer scares me.  Now, it excites me.  This is progress.  Something very significant has changed inside me and I am going to be better for it.

Thankfully, the "life force" inside my Soul is growing stronger.  It is impossible for me to ignore it anymore.  I am being forced to move toward authentic living again and it feels good.  Surviving Mike's death is not enough for me; and, really, it never was.   Finally, I want to LIVE again.  And, my strong desire to live is making my grief weaker.  

As I type this, I can tell you with certainity that I know that I am going to be "okay".  I used to hope that I'd be "okay"; and, now, I KNOW it to be true.  This is making all the difference.  It feels so good to be confident about my life again.  Crawling out from the darkness of the last two years has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  And, I still have a ways to go.  But, without a doubt, I know that I am going to have a beautiful life again.  I feel it. 

And, I thank Mike for this.  He is helping to lead me toward the life I want and need.  I know that he is helping me stay the course as I fight to reenter life again.  Like always, he is steady and "here" when I need him.   I am so well loved, even now.

At the end of the day, Mike wanted nothing more than to share his life with me, and he did.  And, now that, that life is over he wants nothing more than his "Beautiful" girl to smile again and recreate a life worth living. 

Mike told me, "Stace, one day you are going to look into the mirror and ask yourself what do you want to do."  And, I remember his answer,  "Honey, you can do anything you want". 

Now, finally, I believe him, the way he believed in me,

~Staci

 


Showing 9 reactions

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  • Ron Marro
    commented 2019-01-08 19:34:40 -0800
    I hope to get there. 13 months and it’s still not real. I know Sandi wants me to be ok and move on… don’t k ow how.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-01-02 12:05:30 -0800
    Karen, Your comment will serve to inspire others. I know reading your words I feel encouraged. Thank you for sharing your positivity. ~S.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2019-01-02 12:04:09 -0800
    Beth, Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I am glad you are here with us at SSI. ~S.
  • Karen Burkhead Hughes
    commented 2018-12-18 23:26:33 -0800
    Your thoughts and words are so on point for me. Six years later and I almost feel “normal” again. If that is even a thing. Everything died with my husband. I feel like I’ve had to put everything back together. I feel like I have to “live” now for both of us! So much to do! I’m not scared anymore. I’m no longer grieving what should have been. I’m excited about all the possibilities and good things that are in the future. Whatever they may be!
  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2018-12-18 19:20:43 -0800
    Yes! Yes! I love this. And I FEEL this. I know my dear husband loved me, wanted the best for me, and I have always known he would want me to go on, and live my best life, because that was always what he did want. But though I have been going through the motions of moving forward ever since the day of his death, it is only very recently that I have begun to actually look forward to carrying out plans. Up until this point, plans have been the lifeline to keep me from drowning in sorrow.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2018-12-18 10:08:02 -0800
    Indie, I may be younger than you, but I think we all “deserve a life again” no matter what our age is. If we have breath, we deserve to breathe in everything life has to offer. We owe this to ourselves. Best to you, ~S.
  • Staci Sulin
    commented 2018-12-18 10:06:27 -0800
    Marybeth thank you for your kind words. Best to you, ~S.
  • indie
    commented 2018-12-13 19:33:22 -0800
    I wish you luck……much luck. I know you are much younger than me and so you deserve a life again.
  • Marybeth Hotaling
    commented 2018-12-10 19:55:00 -0800
    So Beautifully put, that they are still not done loving us and inspiring us to live our best lives, even when we do so without them. I so identify with this but you put it into words so well.