Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Another Year Without You

Soon I  will have been your Widow for three years. 

Should I be good at widowing now?  Should this feel "normal" to me now?  

Who knows. 

No one gave me a manual when you died. 

So, I am going by feel.

I fumble forward on instinct.

 

 

 

I hate your death date.  November 15th, 2016 - you took your last breath and I fought to catch mine. 

 

You died on a Tuesday.  For over a year, I hated Tuesdays.  Then, after a while, I stopped raging against Tuesday; but, I continued to cringe on the 15th of every month.  Now, nearly three years later, the 15th of the month doesn't sting the way it used to.  I guess this is progress.  

It has been almost three years since I last spoke to you.  Three years since I have heard your voice.  Three years since I kissed your lips.  Three years since I held your hand.  Three years since I felt your physical body next to mine.  Three long years.  And, as I am typing this, I see three roses from your funeral.  These red roses are frozen in a frame, casually displayed in my living room.  How ironic that these particular roses are on display in my "living" room.  *Sigh... 

What is a girl to do with any of this?

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I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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