It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.
I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.
I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.
It has been over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.
I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.
From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,
When you read this, I will be somewhere in Europe. I will have already traveled to Paris. And, trust me, it is not lost on me that both Notre Dame and myself are under reconstruction. It is no coincidence.
When I lay my eyes on the Cathedral Notre Dame it will be actively undergoing reconstruction - just like me. And, like with any rebuild it will not go smoothly. I know this. There will be things that don't go according to plan. Best laid plans will need to be changed as they go. Accommodations will be made. Things will be changed and rearranged. Careful attention will be paid to keeping the integrity of the building. And, similarly, I am conscious that I should maintain a lot of the woman I was when Mike was alive. She was built solid. There is a lot of me that is salvageable. Just like Notre Dame, I am not altogether lost. I have survived the firestorm that is Mike's death. I am still standing just like the iconic Cathedral.
In both rebuilds, there will be improvements to the original. And , I expect there will be things lost too. It is what it is.
When Mike died I felt my foundation shift and collapse. I buried him, but it was me who was buried alive by the wreckage of our dilapitdated life. For a long time I thought that maybe if I stood still he’d come for me. I thought he would somehow find me and save me from the ruins of our lost life. Then, after a while, I realized that Mike was not coming back - ever. I recognized that I was on my own. I knew that I had to rescue myself. But, I felt disoriented and far from battle ready.
Early on, Grief had the upper hand because my confidence and self identity were lost and buried deep in the rubble of our shattered life. Even now, I can barely process all the changes that have occurred.
To soothe my Soul, I catch myself instinctively rocking and clutching my collarbone - as I choke for breathe. I do this more often than I care to admit. Daily. My life is not easy anymore. In fact, it is often so overwhelming that my breath is chaotic. I'm tired of being out of breath.
I have to starting participating life in, or it will pass me by. I know this. Yet, despite what I know, I have stood still. I have been standing on the sidelines, waiting to catch my breath for far too long. I feel myself watching life unfold. And, I know that I need to get back in the game. I hate that I have benched myself because I am tired. I hate that I am sitting out rather than engaging in the game of life. I am growing impatient with myself and my lack of commitment. I can't just write about actioning change. I need to bring my ideas to life. And, to do this I have to leave the safety and predictability of the sidelines behind. When I start participating in the game, I will bring myself back to life. I know this. So, it's about time I do this.