It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.
I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.
I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.
It has been over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.
I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.
From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,
I often say aloud, "Where are you?" I hold my hands out in front of me and hope to sense him in the air. I miss his physical presence and sometimes the lack of it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.
This widow life, it is beyond anything I ever expected to be living at the tender age of 42 (almost 43) when it all began. Now, 2.5 years later, I am still dumbstruck by all of it. It is a mess. I miss him and I expect that I always will. Despite all the missing, I am living without him. I am moving forward because I didn't die and I don't have a choice in this alternate life. I have to continue because of my children and because my life requires it of me. But, I miss him. Time has not dulled this aching and I do not know if it ever will.
Some people tell me he is "here". He is "with" me. Well, his consciousness might be. And, his Soul loves me for Eternity. I KNOW this. And, I appreciate this. I know full well that love never ends, but what do I do with this? What the hell does a woman do with a love she can't see, or hear or physically feel or touch?
When I began my life without Mike 2.5 years ago, I felt like I landed in a foreign country and I could not speak the language. There was a sense that I was standing helplessly in the baggage claims area. I simply didn't know where to go from there. I did not know how to proceed without my life companion.
I desperately wanted to ask someone for directions. I needed help. But, I didn't know any widows or widowers. And, besides, I was not sure how anyone could help me. Mike was dead, no one could fix that. So, I just stood frozen in place for a long, long time.
For the better part of that first year, I was completely bewildered. I stood alone and I spent hours numbly surveying the wreckage of our shared life. I had no idea where to begin rebuilding myself. And, in truth, I didn't even know if it was possible to recreate my identity.
Yet, somehow, as time continued, I slowly got my baggage sorted out. But, I still remained aimless. I still didn't know my destination. Where was I supposed to go? Where the hell did I want to go?
This was year one.