Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Meaningless

This November it will be three years that I have been Mike's widow.  Three years is a decent amount of time to have spent in the quagmire that is grief.  I have a fairly significant amount of experience as a widow, but I still feel inadequate in my new life.  No matter what I do, nothing fills my Soul.  Everything is lacklustre and meaningless.  Nothing.  Not one thing seems to matter the way it should since he died.

 

In September, I started back to work and the familiar routine of school and work is taking hold of my life again.  And, now that I am immersed in the daily grind, I want to run away from here more than ever.  I like my job and my coworkers.  My career isn't the problem.  It is suburbia itself.  All of it feels hollow without him.  I do not fit in here anymore.

I am sitting in a coffee shop writing my blog.  In my old life I would be with him.  We might have gone camping this weekend, or maybe we would have done yard work and had people over for dinner.  Anyhow, none of that matters anymore, because that life was buried with Mike.  It is over.  All of it lost.  It is just me now; and, presently, I am here in a coffee shop with my music blaring in my ears while I type this.  I am attempting to drown out reality.  I came here because my house is suffocating without him; but it isn't any better here.  I am homesick for a man who died wherever I am.  Nothing can change this.

 

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Fan Girl of Love

Dating is not something that I decided to take on lightly.  This November, Mike will have been dead for three years.  Not that this really matters in terms of dating. Or does it?  It doesn’t.  But, the fact that I mentioned it means that to me it is significant in some way.  I wish I could explain this more sufficiently, but I can't.  I suppose I know that as a widow I will be judged for dating or not dating.  I can't win here.  If I don't date people will say I am "stuck" in my grief.  If I date they will say I "moved on".  Anything I do will be scrutinized by those outside of this community because to most people romantic love seems to be something that we hope is singular if it is indeed true.

 

For me, the only thing that really matters is that I am clear about why I am choosing to date.  I am going to date for reasons that go far beyond the superficial.  I am not dating because I am lonely.  Sure, absolutely, I am lonely – duh, my person died.  How can I not be lonely without him – but loneliness is NOT why I am dating.  Secondly, I am NOT dating because I can’t be alone.  I can be.  I have been on my own for nearly three years.  I have learned to like and appreciate my own company.  I am solid.  I like myself way too much to settle for a cheap imitation of what I had with Mike.  I am in no danger of "settling" for less than I want and deserve.

To date, I have never blogged about dating because I know that I will be judged by certain people who knew Mike and I.  I know if this particular blog is read by some of the people from my past - most of who no longer speak with me and are no longer in my life - they may conclude that these words prove my disloyalty to Mike.  To these people, this may serve as proof that it is lucky Mike never married me because clearly I am moving on after "only" three years. 

All of this is untrue and complete bullshit.  These three years have been the longest years of my life.  Grief years are like dog years.  To me, it seems like Mike has been dead for years now; and, at the same time, it feels like he was sharing my life with me only moments ago.  I know my heart.  I know the depth of my love for Mike and that is all that is important.

And, in truth, whatever judgement I do face it will be done behind my back.  I will never hear about it because the people who will talk or cast judgement have long left my life.  So, why does it bother me that I will be judged?  I think it irritates and worries me because their snide judgments and accusations will make Mike look poorly.  Their judgement of me will serve to cast Mike in poor light.  Their words will make him look like a fool for loving me and this bothers me a lot.  Mike was a lot of things, but he was not a fool.

 

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  • commented on All is Calm, All is Bright 2017-12-27 15:36:20 -0800
    Marissa,
    I completely relate to your comment, thank you for sharing. Like you, I wish that “that headstones (could) talk back or give big hugs”. I stood at the grave Christmas day and traced Mike’s name with my fingertips; and as I left I kissed his cold headstone goodbye, like I do every time. And, then, “I let the hot tears flow”.
    I know we are all missing that hug you mentioned, I think we will always miss their arms around us and our lives for our entire lifetime. But, their love is present, always.

  • commented on I can feel your arms around my Life... 2017-12-20 09:47:14 -0800
    Candace, thank you for your comment. I appreciate that you wrote because it’s so nice to hear what people think when they read my writing. I am so happy that you related to the post. The language is common in widow that’s for sure.
    Awe, your husband called your Sweetie. I was always, “Beautiful”, “Honey” and often “Sweetie”. He called me those three words more than my name. I loved hearing his voice call out to me, and like you, I miss hearing those words so much. Staci

  • commented on Who Am I ? 2018-01-22 17:02:12 -0800
    Hunter, I appreciate your comments and insight.

    I think more people should ask themselves the question “Who am I?” The world would be a better place if we as human beings paused and considered what is in our hearts.
    Who are we? What do we want to do in our life?
    Reflecting on these big ideas serves everyone well. However, most people are too busy living their lives to stop and contemplate these existential questions.
    But, grief demands that we stop; and, in this stillness we ask and sometimes find the answers to these substantial questions.

  • wants to volunteer 2017-12-19 18:53:12 -0800

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I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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