Staci Sulin commented on Joy Seeker 2018-04-15 13:49:42 -0700Thanks for your comments Sarah. I really loved this blog too – I think it’s one of my favorite that I’ve written. It’s 17 months today as I am responding to you; and, I can tell that my grief is changing. I am more content to sit and just be where I am in life. And, I agree that it is comforting to utterly have faith that you are floating towards the life that you are meant to live. For so long I thought I had to “fix” my broken life. It is the opposite. I don’t need to do anything but get out of my own way. I just have to drift towards the opportunities that are waiting for me. So, let’s both enjoy just floating out in the open water, the possibilities are endless! ~ S
Staci Sulin commented on Come Undone 2018-04-15 14:06:23 -0700Suzanne, Thank you for taking the time to thank me. No thanks is required. I love writing for this community. It is my privilege and writing is helping me find myself again. ~S
Staci Sulin commented on Malbec Part 2 2018-03-15 12:15:50 -0700Thanks for your comment Robert. Yes, I completely agree that they are now “everything and everywhere”…
Staci Sulin commented on Malbec 2018-04-15 14:10:24 -0700Cheryl, what a heartfelt comment. I am so glad that you connected to my words so deeply. I know that the reason my writing resonates with you so profoundly is because you also had a magical, pure love. We are very bless to have had beautiful love stories. My heart is grateful. I am a better woman because he loved me. ~S
Staci Sulin commented on Strong on Your Love 2018-03-03 18:37:17 -0800Kimberly,
Yes, we grief for the person we used to be. We are forever changed … Stay #strongonhislove
Staci Sulin commented on Facade 2018-02-05 11:02:15 -0800Gayle, Yes I agree Grief changes. Nothing in life is constant -including grief which I am thankful about. I found the first four months like an out of body experience. I was gutted and brought completely to my knees. Now, my Soul still aches for Mike and if I"m breathing I’m thinking of him, but the tears flow more lightly at almost 15 months.
Staci Sulin commented on The Dance 2018-02-04 11:03:03 -0800Bev, I am glad that I a have surrounded myself with supportive people from online communities and in real life. Connecting with others who understand what your heart feels is necessary in order to survive; and, eventually move towards a changed future.
I’m thankful to write for this online community, it is literally saving me from my grief.
Staci Sulin commented on Loving You in Separation 2018-02-04 11:15:39 -0800Sharry, That’s it “he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time”. It takes some getting used to doesn’t it. As human beings I think we will always crave the physical. The nothingness that is now Mike leaves me hungry for his touch.
Staci Sulin commented on Big Love 2018-02-04 11:10:32 -0800Suzanne, Some moments it is hard to breathe without them. Last night I was lost and it just didn’t seem like my heart could break any more. I was on my knees crying, but this morning the coffee is poured and I feel less nauseated about Mike being dead. Grief just comes blazing in sometimes and we have to go where it takes us… To answer your question, I think the point of continuing is because Life is too beautiful to just let it pass us by. I find gratitude helps to ease the heartbreak. I started a new mantra in my head and it has helped me feel more peaceful when the grief is heavy. I hope you feel some ease.
Staci Sulin commented on Off Kilter 2018-01-10 17:02:15 -0800Gayle
Thank you for your kind comment. I am happy that what I wrote resonates with you. And, I agree that it is helpful to re-read things that speak to us because certain words and phrases can become mantras that help us and give us hope. #youvegotthis
Staci Sulin commented on I'm Building my Wings on the Way Down 2018-01-06 12:46:28 -0800Olivia, I’m glad that you heard your own heart in my words.
Staci Sulin commented on Happy Birthday to Michele, just one L ... 2017-12-30 13:33:11 -0800This is so powerful and beautiful Kelley. Thank you. “She who took ashes and made paper airplanes that fly”
- I believe that there is a little of this hope, magic and determination in every single one of us who has out lived the person we love; we just have to find it. Let’s all learn to fly (again).
Happy Birthday Michele.
With gratitude and respect for you both, Staci
Staci Sulin commented on All is Calm, All is Bright 2017-12-27 15:36:20 -0800Marissa,
I completely relate to your comment, thank you for sharing. Like you, I wish that “that headstones (could) talk back or give big hugs”. I stood at the grave Christmas day and traced Mike’s name with my fingertips; and as I left I kissed his cold headstone goodbye, like I do every time. And, then, “I let the hot tears flow”.
I know we are all missing that hug you mentioned, I think we will always miss their arms around us and our lives for our entire lifetime. But, their love is present, always.
Staci Sulin commented on I can feel your arms around my Life... 2017-12-20 09:47:14 -0800Candace, thank you for your comment. I appreciate that you wrote because it’s so nice to hear what people think when they read my writing. I am so happy that you related to the post. The language is common in widow that’s for sure.
Awe, your husband called your Sweetie. I was always, “Beautiful”, “Honey” and often “Sweetie”. He called me those three words more than my name. I loved hearing his voice call out to me, and like you, I miss hearing those words so much. Staci
Staci Sulin commented on Who Am I ? 2018-01-22 17:02:12 -0800Hunter, I appreciate your comments and insight.
I think more people should ask themselves the question “Who am I?” The world would be a better place if we as human beings paused and considered what is in our hearts.
Who are we? What do we want to do in our life?
Reflecting on these big ideas serves everyone well. However, most people are too busy living their lives to stop and contemplate these existential questions.
But, grief demands that we stop; and, in this stillness we ask and sometimes find the answers to these substantial questions.
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It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart. I encourage you to lean into your grief. And, to feel it to it's depth. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.
I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.
I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too. But, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down.
It has been over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty. What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by. I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.
I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.
From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,
The heart knows...
I had a feeling it was getting close. So, I looked up how long Mike has been dead. And, there it was, 1,000 days exactly. I KNEW it. And, I didn't know it because I am some sort of math whiz. Nope. I felt it in my heart. And, the computer confirmed what my heart already knew. Monday August 12th, 2019 I will have lived ONE THOUSAND DAYS without Mike.
I knew that this day would come. And, I feel dumbstruck. I feel nothing and the weight of everything - all at once. Early on, I didn't know how I would live without him. For months, I literally took it minute by minute. I would fight to breathe from moment to moment And, sometimes breath eluded me. Then, after a while, I broke the hours up into quarters and I survived them as they came. Then, eventually I just got through each half-hour without dying. And, then after many months I lived from hour to hour without him.
Sometime after the first year, I found a way to make it through the day without a lot of preparation or thought. I just made it through because I had no other choice. I lived without him. And, as each day drew to a close, I was genuinely shocked that I actually made it. Every night, as the moon came out, I broke into a loneliness that I was sure would swallow me whole. But, I survived. And, now, today as you read this, I have survived outliving Mike for 1,000 days. I feel like someone should be dripping praise all over me. I feel like I should be awarded a medal or something. But, there isn't a badge of honor for this type of thing. There is no ceremony. No one knows. Not one person, besides me, is aware that today Mike will have been dead for 1,000 days. Grief is like this. We achieve many milestones alone. We celebrate in our own hearts. And, we feel the emptiness and aching in solitude.