Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


My Aliveness

It is not just his deadness, it’s my aliveness that weighs heavy on my Soul. 

In a month and one day, it will be exactly three years since Mike died. 

And, this year, it is not only his deadness that is gutting me, it is more...

 

Mike is dead.  That sentence is awful to read.  Beyond awful really.  And, it is terrible to type.  But, I force myself to bluntly and truthfully acknowledge his death in my writing every week because it helps me.  It pronounces my reality.  Mike died.  He can not become undead.  And, no matter how many times I write about missing him - he is gone from here. 

There is no fix to his deadness.  It is what it is.  And, over time, I have slowly begun to process his death.  This doesn't mean I like it.  I don't.  I never will.  But, I know that it is something that can not be undone.  So what can be done?  That is where I choose to focus my thoughts.  For me, I have to focus on what still is.  I can not let his death define me.  I have to concentrate on more.  Daily, I ask myself "now what?"; and, in truth, I still don't know nearly three years later.

 

 

 

 

 

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Adrift

When you become a widow everything familiar is suddenly lost. The rituals and routines of your old life no longer mark the way. As a widowed person you are forced to sail into uncharted waters. It is incredibly daunting. But, with time, you get used to it. And, you can even begin to flourish in the open water.

I am different because he died. I am changed in some significant ways because of the devastation that I am living through; but, the price I paid for this growth is too steep. No gain will ever be worth what I've lost. But, there is no changing it. Mike has died. Wishing it was different does nothing to help me and it does not undo his death. I have to stay the course and be grateful for the good things that I still have in my life.

 

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  • commented on Let It Ride 2018-06-04 10:19:33 -0700
    Stephanie, Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I agree with you, there is “such an empty void without them”, but aside from this, we just have to keep living somehow. Some days I drown in the sadness and other days I feel hopeful that better days are ahead. And, all days I stay strong on Mike’s love as I try to find my way without him physically here. #strongonhislove

  • commented on Mothers. It's Complicated. 2018-05-21 09:23:57 -0700
    Luis, I agree on special days we are often met with these “poignant reminder(s)” of our loss. This is grief, and this is our life now… and like you said, “I don’t know if that will ever be different”. Some aspects of of our lives are forever changed.
    All the best to you, and the best to us all. ~SS

  • commented on Once Upon a TIME 2018-05-21 09:20:56 -0700
    Thank you Erick, I am happy you related to my writing, and also I’m so sorry that you understand. All the best to you, and to us all. ~SS

  • commented on Quiet 2018-05-04 11:07:25 -0700
    Vicki thank you for your heartfelt advice and comments. I appreciate what you shared with me. I figured a lot out since I wrote this blog Quiet. If you read my blog Passion I think you will see that I am now more content to stay firming planted where I am, raising my children. I figured out that Passion isn’t something I need to go looking for. Passion is NOT outside of me. It is inside me. I do not need to travel far away to find it because it is so very close to me. So close that I didn’t even see it. Passion LIVES WITHIN ME. Finally, I understand…. It’s given me so much peace of mind and heart.

  • commented on Having All Your Birthdays in One Day 2018-04-15 14:04:28 -0700
    April, Thank you for taking the time to share your good wishes. I appreciate this. ~S

  • commented on His Girl 2018-04-18 14:47:12 -0700
    Janice, Thank you for taking the time to post your comment. I am glad that you saw your own love story in my writing. Like me, you were very blessed! What a love that we both had. The love I shared with Mike was everything I ever wanted love to be, and I am sure you feel the same about the love you had with your husband. Our gratitude for the love we experienced will carry us as we live without their physical presence. All the best to you, and to us all. ~S

  • commented on Hollow 2018-04-18 14:41:24 -0700
    Denise, I am glad that Soaring Spirits is helping you. I think there is an immediate kinship among us all who are travelling this road. Together we feel understood and less isolated. I’m grateful to be part of a community that helps others. All the best to you and to us all as we navigate the waters of grief. ~S

  • commented on Joy Seeker 2018-04-15 13:49:42 -0700
    Thanks for your comments Sarah. I really loved this blog too – I think it’s one of my favorite that I’ve written. It’s 17 months today as I am responding to you; and, I can tell that my grief is changing. I am more content to sit and just be where I am in life. And, I agree that it is comforting to utterly have faith that you are floating towards the life that you are meant to live. For so long I thought I had to “fix” my broken life. It is the opposite. I don’t need to do anything but get out of my own way. I just have to drift towards the opportunities that are waiting for me. So, let’s both enjoy just floating out in the open water, the possibilities are endless! ~ S

  • commented on Come Undone 2018-04-15 14:06:23 -0700
    Suzanne, Thank you for taking the time to thank me. No thanks is required. I love writing for this community. It is my privilege and writing is helping me find myself again. ~S

  • commented on Malbec Part 2 2018-03-15 12:15:50 -0700
    Thanks for your comment Robert. Yes, I completely agree that they are now “everything and everywhere”…

  • commented on Malbec 2018-04-15 14:10:24 -0700
    Cheryl, what a heartfelt comment. I am so glad that you connected to my words so deeply. I know that the reason my writing resonates with you so profoundly is because you also had a magical, pure love. We are very bless to have had beautiful love stories. My heart is grateful. I am a better woman because he loved me. ~S

  • commented on Strong on Your Love 2018-03-03 18:37:17 -0800
    Kimberly,
    Yes, we grief for the person we used to be. We are forever changed … Stay #strongonhislove

  • commented on Winds of Change 2018-02-15 16:01:47 -0800
    Thanks Margie.

  • commented on Facade 2018-02-05 11:02:15 -0800
    Gayle, Yes I agree Grief changes. Nothing in life is constant -including grief which I am thankful about. I found the first four months like an out of body experience. I was gutted and brought completely to my knees. Now, my Soul still aches for Mike and if I"m breathing I’m thinking of him, but the tears flow more lightly at almost 15 months.

  • commented on The Dance 2018-02-04 11:03:03 -0800
    Bev, I am glad that I a have surrounded myself with supportive people from online communities and in real life. Connecting with others who understand what your heart feels is necessary in order to survive; and, eventually move towards a changed future.
    I’m thankful to write for this online community, it is literally saving me from my grief.

  • commented on Loving You in Separation 2018-02-04 11:15:39 -0800
    Sharry, That’s it “he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time”. It takes some getting used to doesn’t it. As human beings I think we will always crave the physical. The nothingness that is now Mike leaves me hungry for his touch.

  • commented on Big Love 2018-02-04 11:10:32 -0800
    Suzanne, Some moments it is hard to breathe without them. Last night I was lost and it just didn’t seem like my heart could break any more. I was on my knees crying, but this morning the coffee is poured and I feel less nauseated about Mike being dead. Grief just comes blazing in sometimes and we have to go where it takes us… To answer your question, I think the point of continuing is because Life is too beautiful to just let it pass us by. I find gratitude helps to ease the heartbreak. I started a new mantra in my head and it has helped me feel more peaceful when the grief is heavy. I hope you feel some ease.

  • commented on Off Kilter 2018-01-10 17:02:15 -0800
    Gayle
    Thank you for your kind comment. I am happy that what I wrote resonates with you. And, I agree that it is helpful to re-read things that speak to us because certain words and phrases can become mantras that help us and give us hope. #youvegotthis

  • commented on I'm Building my Wings on the Way Down 2018-01-06 12:46:28 -0800
    Olivia, I’m glad that you heard your own heart in my words.

  • commented on Happy Birthday to Michele, just one L ... 2017-12-30 13:33:11 -0800
    This is so powerful and beautiful Kelley. Thank you. “She who took ashes and made paper airplanes that fly”

    - I believe that there is a little of this hope, magic and determination in every single one of us who has out lived the person we love; we just have to find it. Let’s all learn to fly (again).
    Happy Birthday Michele.
    With gratitude and respect for you both, Staci

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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