Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Live Forward

In less than one month it will be three years since Mike died.  With time and a lot of processing, the truth of his death has slowly leached into every cell of my body.  And, despite my initial rebellion against his death, my heart is finally no longer resisting what my mind understands.  Mike is gone.  He died. 

Even now, it is unthinkable that I will never share another moment with him, but this is a fact whether I like it or not.  Early on, every fibre of my being fought to survive without him.  Still, despite my efforts, a part of me died with him.  But, further, a big part of me also survived Mike's death.  And, it is this part of me who is fighting to live forward.

 

I have come to realize that it is Mike's death.  Not mine.  I did not die. 

 

In the early months I thought I might die from sadness.  But, I didn't, and neither will you.  For the last 2.11 years, I have chosen to focus on the living part of me.  The part of me that was not buried with Mike.  Sure, absolutely, I miss the person I used to be, but the life in which that woman existed died with him. It's over.  It is gone.  All of it - everything we were together - simply vanished when Mike died. Our life was built on solid ground, but when he died, everything imploded and what was once solid quickly turned into a quagmire of uncertainty.  I lost Mike and my identity.  Everything that I thought was certain  disappeared. My life was no longer recognizable to me.  And, in truth, it still isn’t nearly three years later. 

I lost my footing when Mike died and I have been fighting to recover it ever since.  Every day, I struggle to stay grounded here in this reality.  It remains my instinct to retreat to a place in my mind where I keep Mike alive.  But, my sensibilities urge me to live forward without the man I love.  So, for nearly three long years, I have worked to  find order among the wreckage of my life. 

Without him, my axis is off kilter.  I feel like I am spinning and without a sense of direction.  It’s been a long, long  road - and this is understating it.  Grief has been my constant companion since the moment I heard “he’s dead”.  Those two small words changed my life completely.  However,  I try hard not to focus on Mike’s deadness,  Instead I try to be grateful for his life.  A life he chose to share part of with me.  For me, there is no point in perseverating about what has been lost.  It’s gone.  Nothing can reverse any of it.  He is dead.  He is gone and I am left here without him.  Blunt.  Maybe.  But, what other way is there to describe the situation? 

 

 

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12 reactions Share

  • commented on I am Different than Who you Loved 2019-02-11 01:56:40 -0800
    Laura, Thank you for reading my blogs. I know you feel the words I write so deeply. I wish that you did not relate so intimately to what I’ve written, but nonetheless I am glad your feelings are validated by another person who understands widowhood ~S.

  • commented on Another Birthday without him 2018-12-09 12:32:32 -0800
    Susan thank you for your note. There is hope and I am not the only one who is here to share this with you. I think everyone here at Soaring Spirits International will attest that if you “stay the course” (the title of the blog I am writing next) better days come. WIth all the grit we can muster, somehow, we will find our way back towards life. It takes a fine balance between grit and grace to get there, but it is possible. It is not easy, far from it. I am not there yet, but I see it is within my grasp and I am so grateful for this. Keep hope in your heart Susan, I am rooting for you this holiday season and always. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Another Year 2018-12-09 12:39:54 -0800
    Beth, Thank you for your heartfelt comment. It is normal to feel completely underwhelmed and then the next moment feel utterly overwhelmed. That is grief in all it’s glory I suppose. But, like I said to Beth, when our “life force” grows stronger and our desire to LIVE gets so strong it can no longer be ignored, this is when our grief softens and gets quieter. When we decide surviving is not enough, that’s when we can begin to recreate a new life for ourselves. This moment comes eventually for everyone if they work hard. If you believe that this can and it will happen for you. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on It's Me 2018-11-21 10:19:23 -0800
    Indie, Focus on the love you shared and not the missing if you can. When I am simply grateful for his love I feel less awful. Gratitude is helpful and powerful for me. In truth, I do not think the missing ever will go away. But, it can soften with practice. For me I created a mantra “I will miss you less, and love you more”. It helped me to reframe my thoughts and gave me some peace from the gut wrenching missing. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Condiments 2018-11-11 12:13:14 -0800
    Susan,
    I am sorry you understood my blog so deeply, but I am glad your feelings found the validation they deserve. I relate to what you’ve shared; and, like you, I will continue to treasure certain items because he touched them in the past.
    Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on I Don't Like Dessert 2018-11-21 10:27:17 -0800
    Luis, Thank you for your kind and heartfelt comments. And, I wish you the best this holiday season and in this “season of life”. ~S.

  • commented on Maybe this will Help - What I know about Grief and Support 2018-11-11 12:01:01 -0800
    Elisa,
    Thank you for your heartfelt comment.
    Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Makeshift Plan 2018-10-07 17:36:20 -0700
    Bonnie,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I think your story of perseverance will give many people hope. We are challenged to move outside our comfort zone when our spouse dies. It is essential to do as you have, to build a “life without him and become (these) strong, independent (women)”. Best to you and to us all. ~S.

  • commented on Connection 2018-10-14 20:33:31 -0700
    Linda thank you for sharing your story with us. What a beautiful story of unexpected love.
    Best to you as always. ~S.

  • commented on A Life Unfinished 2018-10-19 09:35:02 -0700
    Mary, I agree that the small, ordinary things are so hard to live without. I am grateful for my memories of our coffee ritual and the little nuances we shared, however even with a grateful heart, it is hard not to miss this life we shared together. Best to you, and to us all. ~S.

  • commented on Blind Faith 2018-09-10 11:37:10 -0700
    Kathleen.
    Stay the course. Things will get softer with time…
    Best to you and to us all.
    ~S.

  • commented on Helpers 2018-09-24 08:47:15 -0700
    Candy,
    Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. I think both of us “being vulnerable and speaking (our) truth” will resonate with others and perhaps even help them stay the course and feel the strength they need to continue on this journey back towards living.

    My dear friend has a story that is similar to yours. Two years ago, both she and her husband were each battling cancer. She survived and had he did not. She had to make his funeral arrangements while she was undergoing chemo. Recently, her cancer has returned and she continues to fight because she loves life. Like you she is tired, and she aches for her husband, but she continues on the best way she knows how.
    Best to you and to us all,
    ~S.

  • commented on Our First Wedding Anniversary 2018-09-03 00:51:02 -0700
    Tim,
    What a beautifully written comment. I can’t add anything further to what you so eloquently said.
    The heartfelt way you write about Love has me assuming you are someone who “read and understand(s)”my words.

    Best to you and I look forward to reading more of your thoughtful comments.
    Take good care,
    ~S.

  • commented on Now What? 2018-08-02 06:36:42 -0700
    Indira
    Thank you for sharing what you are feeling. You are not alone. We have all been there with the same questions and concerns and thoughts.

    Outliving Mike is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
    But, moment by moment, day by day grief changes. It gets softer with time. We have no choice but to build life around the emptiness inside us. Not easy, but possible – eventually.

    And, some days are definitely easier than others. Lean in to those who support and understand you.
    All the best to you and to us all. S.

  • commented on Options 2018-08-02 06:27:25 -0700
    Antonella
    8 months is early days.. you don’t need to BE anything right now.
    Of course you have responsibilities that you are duty bound to fill; and unfortunately the world doesn’t stop when our world is shattered. It’s damn hard.
    But it is possible to get to a place where you feel more content.

    Absorbing the death of your husband doesn’t just happen with time. It’s hard work. And, in the early days be patient with yourself.

    Sitting in our grief and feeling it’s ugliness is part of the process, and it isn’t easy. I don’t think you are stagnant, I think you are grieving and being still is part of it in the early days.

    And, most people can not understand the depth and breadth of ourbloss unless their spouse has also died.

    All the best to you and to us all,

    S.

  • commented on Living Room 2018-08-02 06:18:58 -0700
    Christine
    Thank you for your heartfelt response. Thriving is essential to recreating a life worth living, but it is much harder work than merely surviving. However, I think thriving and living well really does honour our beloved ones more.
    So here’s to “sur-thriving “ as you put it.
    All the best to you.
    S.

  • commented on La Bella Vita 2018-08-02 06:13:04 -0700
    Laren
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    I agree that their presence lives on and their signature is written all over the way we continue to live our lives. What a treasure for us.
    All the best to you, and to us all.
    S.

  • commented on Beginnings 2018-08-02 06:53:02 -0700
    Laren
    Thank you for your kind words of support to Jennifer. My response was delayed and I appreciate that you stepped up to offer support.
    S.

  • commented on Single Seat 2018-06-23 13:57:42 -0700
    Bobby, Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your honest, heartfelt comments. My heart is with you as you solo parent. My situation is very different than yours; but as a parent I understand some of the things you wrote about and I completely acknowledge your struggles. All the best to you and to us all.

  • commented on Marry Me. 2018-08-02 07:02:50 -0700
    Linda
    Our stories are incredibly similar. It is surreal even though we live it!
    I assure you that, with time and hard work we can both recreate a life. And, no it isn’t the life we imagined, but it the one we have.
    It will not be easy, but it’s posdible over time.

    You are in the early days. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
    And, know that grief is fluid. It changes with time…
    S.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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