Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks

I’m sitting in Mike’s spot at the kitchen table.

Wondering how to put my love for this man into words.

As I’m sitting here,

I can’t help but notice that he’s everywhere in this house.

Once upon a time, he sat in this same chair I’m sitting on now.

 

I notice that my elbow is on the table and I am cupping my cheek in my hand

-exactly like Mike used to do as he sat here, occupying this very same spot.

I remember his wine glass used to be where mine is right now.

There are echoes of him everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

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Grief Math

My friend just texted me about dates.  Her text wasn’t about a coffee date or an up coming dinner date.  Nope, her text was not about those type of dates.   Instead, she was referencing dates on the calendar that are significant because her husband died.

What a Joy Kill is what most people outside of the grief community might think; but, I’m widowed too.  I “get it”.  I  know exactly where she is coming from.  I have come to understand how time and grief are intricately and intimately tied together. 

My friend's text message made me stopped and deeply think about the practice of  “counting days” and “keeping track of time” based on something other than a clock.  Time tracking behaviour is common among the bereaved because we are grasping to measure the distance between their aliveness and their deadness.  We are trying to understand how their death seems so long ago; yet, in our mind, it concurrently feels like it was only yesterday that they were alive.  The reality is that Mike will have been gone from here for three years this November 2019; but to me it feels like only moments ago that he was real in this dimension.

~S.

 

                    

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  • commented on Options 2018-08-02 06:27:25 -0700
    Antonella
    8 months is early days.. you don’t need to BE anything right now.
    Of course you have responsibilities that you are duty bound to fill; and unfortunately the world doesn’t stop when our world is shattered. It’s damn hard.
    But it is possible to get to a place where you feel more content.

    Absorbing the death of your husband doesn’t just happen with time. It’s hard work. And, in the early days be patient with yourself.

    Sitting in our grief and feeling it’s ugliness is part of the process, and it isn’t easy. I don’t think you are stagnant, I think you are grieving and being still is part of it in the early days.

    And, most people can not understand the depth and breadth of ourbloss unless their spouse has also died.

    All the best to you and to us all,

    S.

  • commented on Living Room 2018-08-02 06:18:58 -0700
    Christine
    Thank you for your heartfelt response. Thriving is essential to recreating a life worth living, but it is much harder work than merely surviving. However, I think thriving and living well really does honour our beloved ones more.
    So here’s to “sur-thriving “ as you put it.
    All the best to you.
    S.

  • commented on La Bella Vita 2018-08-02 06:13:04 -0700
    Laren
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    I agree that their presence lives on and their signature is written all over the way we continue to live our lives. What a treasure for us.
    All the best to you, and to us all.
    S.

  • commented on Beginnings 2018-08-02 06:53:02 -0700
    Laren
    Thank you for your kind words of support to Jennifer. My response was delayed and I appreciate that you stepped up to offer support.
    S.

  • commented on Single Seat 2018-06-23 13:57:42 -0700
    Bobby, Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your honest, heartfelt comments. My heart is with you as you solo parent. My situation is very different than yours; but as a parent I understand some of the things you wrote about and I completely acknowledge your struggles. All the best to you and to us all.

  • commented on Marry Me. 2018-08-02 07:02:50 -0700
    Linda
    Our stories are incredibly similar. It is surreal even though we live it!
    I assure you that, with time and hard work we can both recreate a life. And, no it isn’t the life we imagined, but it the one we have.
    It will not be easy, but it’s posdible over time.

    You are in the early days. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
    And, know that grief is fluid. It changes with time…
    S.

  • commented on Let It Ride 2018-06-04 10:19:33 -0700
    Stephanie, Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I agree with you, there is “such an empty void without them”, but aside from this, we just have to keep living somehow. Some days I drown in the sadness and other days I feel hopeful that better days are ahead. And, all days I stay strong on Mike’s love as I try to find my way without him physically here. #strongonhislove

  • commented on Mothers. It's Complicated. 2018-05-21 09:23:57 -0700
    Luis, I agree on special days we are often met with these “poignant reminder(s)” of our loss. This is grief, and this is our life now… and like you said, “I don’t know if that will ever be different”. Some aspects of of our lives are forever changed.
    All the best to you, and the best to us all. ~SS

  • commented on Once Upon a TIME 2018-05-21 09:20:56 -0700
    Thank you Erick, I am happy you related to my writing, and also I’m so sorry that you understand. All the best to you, and to us all. ~SS

  • commented on Quiet 2018-05-04 11:07:25 -0700
    Vicki thank you for your heartfelt advice and comments. I appreciate what you shared with me. I figured a lot out since I wrote this blog Quiet. If you read my blog Passion I think you will see that I am now more content to stay firming planted where I am, raising my children. I figured out that Passion isn’t something I need to go looking for. Passion is NOT outside of me. It is inside me. I do not need to travel far away to find it because it is so very close to me. So close that I didn’t even see it. Passion LIVES WITHIN ME. Finally, I understand…. It’s given me so much peace of mind and heart.

  • commented on Having All Your Birthdays in One Day 2018-04-15 14:04:28 -0700
    April, Thank you for taking the time to share your good wishes. I appreciate this. ~S

  • commented on His Girl 2018-04-18 14:47:12 -0700
    Janice, Thank you for taking the time to post your comment. I am glad that you saw your own love story in my writing. Like me, you were very blessed! What a love that we both had. The love I shared with Mike was everything I ever wanted love to be, and I am sure you feel the same about the love you had with your husband. Our gratitude for the love we experienced will carry us as we live without their physical presence. All the best to you, and to us all. ~S

  • commented on Hollow 2018-04-18 14:41:24 -0700
    Denise, I am glad that Soaring Spirits is helping you. I think there is an immediate kinship among us all who are travelling this road. Together we feel understood and less isolated. I’m grateful to be part of a community that helps others. All the best to you and to us all as we navigate the waters of grief. ~S

  • commented on Joy Seeker 2018-04-15 13:49:42 -0700
    Thanks for your comments Sarah. I really loved this blog too – I think it’s one of my favorite that I’ve written. It’s 17 months today as I am responding to you; and, I can tell that my grief is changing. I am more content to sit and just be where I am in life. And, I agree that it is comforting to utterly have faith that you are floating towards the life that you are meant to live. For so long I thought I had to “fix” my broken life. It is the opposite. I don’t need to do anything but get out of my own way. I just have to drift towards the opportunities that are waiting for me. So, let’s both enjoy just floating out in the open water, the possibilities are endless! ~ S

  • commented on Come Undone 2018-04-15 14:06:23 -0700
    Suzanne, Thank you for taking the time to thank me. No thanks is required. I love writing for this community. It is my privilege and writing is helping me find myself again. ~S

  • commented on Malbec Part 2 2018-03-15 12:15:50 -0700
    Thanks for your comment Robert. Yes, I completely agree that they are now “everything and everywhere”…

  • commented on Malbec 2018-04-15 14:10:24 -0700
    Cheryl, what a heartfelt comment. I am so glad that you connected to my words so deeply. I know that the reason my writing resonates with you so profoundly is because you also had a magical, pure love. We are very bless to have had beautiful love stories. My heart is grateful. I am a better woman because he loved me. ~S

  • commented on Strong on Your Love 2018-03-03 18:37:17 -0800
    Kimberly,
    Yes, we grief for the person we used to be. We are forever changed … Stay #strongonhislove

  • commented on Winds of Change 2018-02-15 16:01:47 -0800
    Thanks Margie.

  • commented on Facade 2018-02-05 11:02:15 -0800
    Gayle, Yes I agree Grief changes. Nothing in life is constant -including grief which I am thankful about. I found the first four months like an out of body experience. I was gutted and brought completely to my knees. Now, my Soul still aches for Mike and if I"m breathing I’m thinking of him, but the tears flow more lightly at almost 15 months.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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