Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


The Thief of Joy

Recently, I drove the familiar road to Mike’s house.  I have completed this drive hundreds of times since he died; but, this time it hurt my heart - a lot. Maybe it is because on August 20th we should be celebrating our second wedding anniversary together.  But, we won't be doing this.  Mike died.  There is no wedding anniversary for us.  There is nothing for us to share anymore.  Everything we experienced and everything we were is in the past. 

 

Physically, Mike is gone.  And, when you love someone who is dead you are left with a profound emptiness and aching that underlies everything in your life.

 

I know the road to Mike's house like the back of my hand.  I can drive it without thinking.  On this stretch of highway, my mind often drifts off to a better place in time.  I carefully recall our life and I bring him back to life in my mind.  So many memories of our life together replay in my mind as I drive past the relics of our past.  And, as the missingness sets in, I find myself grabbing my collarbone.  This is a thing I do when my grief is swallowing me alive.  I wonder if this will ever end; and as I type this, I know the answer.  It won’t. 

 

 

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1000

The heart knows...

I had a feeling it was getting close.  So, I looked up how long Mike has been dead. And, there it was, 1,000 days exactly.  I KNEW it.  And, I didn't know it because I am some sort of math whiz.  Nope.  I felt it in my heart.  And, the computer confirmed what my heart already knew.  Monday August 12th, 2019 I will have lived ONE THOUSAND DAYS without Mike. 

I knew that this day would come.  And, I feel dumbstruck.  I feel nothing and the weight of everything  - all at once.  Early on, I didn't know how I would live without him.  For months, I literally took it minute by minute.  I would fight to breathe from moment to moment  And, sometimes breath eluded me.  Then, after a while, I  broke the hours up into quarters and I survived them as they came.  Then, eventually I just got through each half-hour without dying.  And, then after many months I lived from hour to hour without him. 

Sometime after the first year, I found a way to make it through the day without a lot of preparation or thought.  I just made it through because I had no other choice.  I lived without him.  And, as each day drew to a close, I was genuinely shocked that I actually made it.  Every night, as the moon came out, I broke into a loneliness that I was sure would swallow me whole.  But, I survived.  And, now, today as you read this,  I have survived outliving Mike for 1,000 days.  I feel like someone should be dripping praise all over me.  I feel like I should be awarded a medal or something.  But, there isn't a badge of honor for this type of thing.  There is no ceremony.  No one knows.  Not one person, besides me, is aware that today Mike will have been dead for 1,000 days.  Grief is like this.  We achieve many milestones alone.  We celebrate in our own hearts.  And, we feel the emptiness and aching in solitude.

 

 

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  • commented on A Change of Heart 2019-08-12 10:20:41 -0700
    GRinNj . I absolutely hated the word acceptance in the past. It surprised me that I wrote a blog centred around acceptance. Grief evolves and sometimes it pleasantly surprises us.
    ~S.

  • commented on Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks 2019-07-04 15:54:44 -0700
    Bonnie, Those of us in this community hold space for each other in our hearts. Stay the course, thankfully, tough days come to an end and we try again tomorrow. ~S.

  • commented on Grief Math 2019-06-13 09:09:06 -0700
    Don, I have a lousy memory – since he died – so this does help me avoid some of the pitfalls of grief. Initially, I was largely in a fog, and I am certain that this was by design. The first year is a blur to me. Now, I am becoming more present which is necessary for me and my sons. Best to you as always, ~S.

  • commented on Strongish at Best 2019-06-13 09:10:46 -0700
    Karen, Stay the course. Some days are exhausting on all fronts. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Empty Act 2019-06-08 13:20:06 -0700
    Bonnie I am glad the blog is helping you cope. Continue to source things and people who make this awful experience slightly more bearable. I hope your grief group is a good fit for you. I attended a few and found them useful. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Does this ever get easier? 2019-05-24 15:33:59 -0700
    Jeanne, I wish I had the answers to give you. I ask myself what “now what?” constantly. Daily, I question what I am supposed to do. I think we just keep any type of forward momentum that we can… Best to you as we both try to figure this out. ~S.

  • commented on Where Are You Mike? 2019-05-24 15:37:16 -0700
    Joyce, What a beautiful sign from your son to give you messages through your friends and children’s dreams. They are “here” even if we can not see them. ~S.

  • commented on Hollow Inside 2019-04-29 14:37:29 -0700
    Christopher, I am glad what I wrote could validate your feelings. That said, I wish you didn’t understand the aching inside my heart. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on 6 Years of Tired~ 2019-04-29 14:34:47 -0700
    Yes, to all you wrote.

    At 2.4 years, I see that this heaviness and missingness isn’t going anywhere. Life without them will not be as good as it was with them -ever. That is just the truth.
    So, now what? I ask myself this all day long… ~S.

  • commented on Everything but the Kitchen Sink 2019-06-12 12:34:13 -0700
    Kathy, I am glad that you feel validated in what you read. I am sorry you understand this.
    ~S.

  • commented on Facade 2 2019-04-17 17:56:48 -0700
    Karen,
    Like you, I have accepted that this emptiness and aching is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life because our love was deep. It was a soul connection and death does not lessen this type of love. In fact, I think it makes it stronger. ~S.

  • commented on Holding Pattern 2019-03-26 11:55:21 -0700
    Ron
    Thank you for sharing your heart.
    I’m rooting for you, for me, for us all as we find our way again. ~S.

  • commented on Time Change 2019-03-17 21:40:27 -0700
    Bobby, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. This means a lot coming from a fellow blogger. With appreciation, ~S.

  • commented on Weak at the Knees 2019-03-06 16:49:41 -0800
    Christine, I guess our hearts speak the same language. I ’m happy my blog spoke to you so deeply. TIme will reveal the next part of our life story. Best to you and to me as we find the women we are becoming. ~S.

  • commented on Wanderlust 2 2019-03-06 15:26:30 -0800
    Ron, None of this is easy. Answers are hard to come by. Our worlds imploded it is no wonder we “can’t see forward”. But, with time, commitment and hard work I think things will somehow come together… Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Stale Coffee 2019-03-03 11:42:35 -0800
    Indie, Yes, I agree, sometimes it is hard to “really even give a shit”. Yet, here we are. I attempt to try to reenter life because the alternative is too bleak for me and my children. ~S.

  • commented on Reconstruction 2019-03-03 11:32:32 -0800
    Indie, You sure have accomplished many “herculean job(s)”. I wish that your existence felt less “meaningless”, but I do appreciate your honesty in your comments. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on I'm still your Girl 2019-02-18 09:34:06 -0800
    Laren, Thank you for sharing your heart and story with us. Like you, I cling to “the imprints of (his) existence.” And, it is a “modest comfort” as you say, but it often leaves me wanting more. More of what I can not have… It is the quandary of grief.

    The love you have for Barbara comes through in your words. #longlivelove ~S.

  • commented on Lifelines 2019-02-05 17:55:07 -0800
    Susan,
    I understand. Some days, for no particular reason, the missing goes to the depths of us. And, there is nothing that can be done except to endure it. And, as you know, the awful yearning eventually passes and returns to the dull emptiness from which it was born.
    I think “wailing” is called for on the days that our Souls wildly ache. There are no words to describe the desire to have and to hold someone who is gone from here. So, sometimes tears speak when words simply can not suffice. Have your cry. Your tears will cleanse you and tomorrow is a new day. Best to you as always, ~S.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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