Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Another Year Without You

Soon I  will have been your Widow for three years. 

Should I be good at widowing now?  Should this feel "normal" to me now?  

Who knows. 

No one gave me a manual when you died. 

So, I am going by feel.

I fumble forward on instinct.

 

 

 

I hate your death date.  November 15th, 2016 - you took your last breath and I fought to catch mine. 

 

You died on a Tuesday.  For over a year, I hated Tuesdays.  Then, after a while, I stopped raging against Tuesday; but, I continued to cringe on the 15th of every month.  Now, nearly three years later, the 15th of the month doesn't sting the way it used to.  I guess this is progress.  

It has been almost three years since I last spoke to you.  Three years since I have heard your voice.  Three years since I kissed your lips.  Three years since I held your hand.  Three years since I felt your physical body next to mine.  Three long years.  And, as I am typing this, I see three roses from your funeral.  These red roses are frozen in a frame, casually displayed in my living room.  How ironic that these particular roses are on display in my "living" room.  *Sigh... 

What is a girl to do with any of this?

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10 reactions Share

  • commented on Loss Connections 2019-11-03 07:29:22 -0800
    I will be in Toronto. My first Camp Widow ever. I can’t wait to meet you Kelley.

  • commented on Live Forward 2019-11-03 07:45:32 -0800
    Gailsnn, I appreciate your note. I’m sorry you understand. ~S.

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  • commented on Adrift 2019-10-20 15:21:40 -0700
    Sue,
    We are in good hands.
    ~S.

  • commented on My Aliveness 2019-10-20 15:20:53 -0700
    Mary,
    9 Months is early on. I remember being just like you and reading blogs from Alison (who writes here). She was years into this mess and I was in AWE of how she did it. I wondered how she didn’t die from sadness.

    Now, I know. A part of her did die. But, a big part of her is still alive. And, it is the same for me and for you and everyone reading this.

    We are forever changed because they lived and shared their lives with us. And, part of living is dying.

    Likewise, we are profoundly changed because they died. There is no denying this.

    With time, we recreate our identities and our lives and live forward . They lived their lives. We didn’t die and we must eventually reenter life and acknowledge our “aliveness”.

    ~S.

  • commented on In The Past 24 Hours... 2019-09-15 18:23:59 -0700
    My heart aches reading your heartfelt words. I hold space for you in my heart Emma. ~S.

  • commented on The Thief of Joy 2019-09-15 15:30:04 -0700
    Sue,
    “It is what it is” is a phrase Mike used often. I love that you got tee shirts made.
    You are right, Mark will always live in your heart. #longlivelove
    ~S.

  • commented on Your Touch 2019-09-15 18:31:07 -0700
    Kelley, Of course I know you are the Friday writer. Maybe one day we will meet at a SS camp. I wish you didn’t relate to any of what I wrote. I am so sorry you “get it”, but I am grateful that your feelings are validated in what you read. This stuff is not for the faint of heart that’s for certain. ~S.

  • commented on Evanescence 2019-09-15 15:21:52 -0700
    Sue, I am sorry you understand my words.
    ~S.

  • commented on 1000 2019-08-23 15:52:03 -0700
    Thank you Mari. Writing helps. It has made this somewhat easier to bear. I hope it does the same for you. ~S.

  • commented on A Change of Heart 2019-08-12 10:20:41 -0700
    GRinNj . I absolutely hated the word acceptance in the past. It surprised me that I wrote a blog centred around acceptance. Grief evolves and sometimes it pleasantly surprises us.
    ~S.

  • commented on Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks 2019-07-04 15:54:44 -0700
    Bonnie, Those of us in this community hold space for each other in our hearts. Stay the course, thankfully, tough days come to an end and we try again tomorrow. ~S.

  • commented on Grief Math 2019-06-13 09:09:06 -0700
    Don, I have a lousy memory – since he died – so this does help me avoid some of the pitfalls of grief. Initially, I was largely in a fog, and I am certain that this was by design. The first year is a blur to me. Now, I am becoming more present which is necessary for me and my sons. Best to you as always, ~S.

  • commented on Strongish at Best 2019-06-13 09:10:46 -0700
    Karen, Stay the course. Some days are exhausting on all fronts. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Empty Act 2019-06-08 13:20:06 -0700
    Bonnie I am glad the blog is helping you cope. Continue to source things and people who make this awful experience slightly more bearable. I hope your grief group is a good fit for you. I attended a few and found them useful. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Does this ever get easier? 2019-05-24 15:33:59 -0700
    Jeanne, I wish I had the answers to give you. I ask myself what “now what?” constantly. Daily, I question what I am supposed to do. I think we just keep any type of forward momentum that we can… Best to you as we both try to figure this out. ~S.

  • commented on Where Are You Mike? 2019-05-24 15:37:16 -0700
    Joyce, What a beautiful sign from your son to give you messages through your friends and children’s dreams. They are “here” even if we can not see them. ~S.

  • commented on Hollow Inside 2019-04-29 14:37:29 -0700
    Christopher, I am glad what I wrote could validate your feelings. That said, I wish you didn’t understand the aching inside my heart. Best to you, ~S.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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