Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks

I’m sitting in Mike’s spot at the kitchen table.

Wondering how to put my love for this man into words.

As I’m sitting here,

I can’t help but notice that he’s everywhere in this house.

Once upon a time, he sat in this same chair I’m sitting on now.

 

I notice that my elbow is on the table and I am cupping my cheek in my hand

-exactly like Mike used to do as he sat here, occupying this very same spot.

I remember his wine glass used to be where mine is right now.

There are echoes of him everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

Read more
Add your reaction Share

Grief Math

My friend just texted me about dates.  Her text wasn’t about a coffee date or an up coming dinner date.  Nope, her text was not about those type of dates.   Instead, she was referencing dates on the calendar that are significant because her husband died.

What a Joy Kill is what most people outside of the grief community might think; but, I’m widowed too.  I “get it”.  I  know exactly where she is coming from.  I have come to understand how time and grief are intricately and intimately tied together. 

My friend's text message made me stopped and deeply think about the practice of  “counting days” and “keeping track of time” based on something other than a clock.  Time tracking behaviour is common among the bereaved because we are grasping to measure the distance between their aliveness and their deadness.  We are trying to understand how their death seems so long ago; yet, in our mind, it concurrently feels like it was only yesterday that they were alive.  The reality is that Mike will have been gone from here for three years this November 2019; but to me it feels like only moments ago that he was real in this dimension.

~S.

 

                    

Read more
4 reactions Share

  • commented on Grief Math 2019-06-13 09:09:06 -0700
    Don, I have a lousy memory – since he died – so this does help me avoid some of the pitfalls of grief. Initially, I was largely in a fog, and I am certain that this was by design. The first year is a blur to me. Now, I am becoming more present which is necessary for me and my sons. Best to you as always, ~S.

  • commented on Strongish at Best 2019-06-13 09:10:46 -0700
    Karen, Stay the course. Some days are exhausting on all fronts. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Empty Act 2019-06-08 13:20:06 -0700
    Bonnie I am glad the blog is helping you cope. Continue to source things and people who make this awful experience slightly more bearable. I hope your grief group is a good fit for you. I attended a few and found them useful. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Does this ever get easier? 2019-05-24 15:33:59 -0700
    Jeanne, I wish I had the answers to give you. I ask myself what “now what?” constantly. Daily, I question what I am supposed to do. I think we just keep any type of forward momentum that we can… Best to you as we both try to figure this out. ~S.

  • commented on Where Are You Mike? 2019-05-24 15:37:16 -0700
    Joyce, What a beautiful sign from your son to give you messages through your friends and children’s dreams. They are “here” even if we can not see them. ~S.

  • commented on Hollow Inside 2019-04-29 14:37:29 -0700
    Christopher, I am glad what I wrote could validate your feelings. That said, I wish you didn’t understand the aching inside my heart. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on 6 Years of Tired~ 2019-04-29 14:34:47 -0700
    Yes, to all you wrote.

    At 2.4 years, I see that this heaviness and missingness isn’t going anywhere. Life without them will not be as good as it was with them -ever. That is just the truth.
    So, now what? I ask myself this all day long… ~S.

  • commented on Everything but the Kitchen Sink 2019-06-12 12:34:13 -0700
    Kathy, I am glad that you feel validated in what you read. I am sorry you understand this.
    ~S.

  • commented on Facade 2 2019-04-17 17:56:48 -0700
    Karen,
    Like you, I have accepted that this emptiness and aching is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life because our love was deep. It was a soul connection and death does not lessen this type of love. In fact, I think it makes it stronger. ~S.

  • commented on Holding Pattern 2019-03-26 11:55:21 -0700
    Ron
    Thank you for sharing your heart.
    I’m rooting for you, for me, for us all as we find our way again. ~S.

  • commented on Time Change 2019-03-17 21:40:27 -0700
    Bobby, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. This means a lot coming from a fellow blogger. With appreciation, ~S.

  • commented on Weak at the Knees 2019-03-06 16:49:41 -0800
    Christine, I guess our hearts speak the same language. I ’m happy my blog spoke to you so deeply. TIme will reveal the next part of our life story. Best to you and to me as we find the women we are becoming. ~S.

  • commented on Wanderlust 2 2019-03-06 15:26:30 -0800
    Ron, None of this is easy. Answers are hard to come by. Our worlds imploded it is no wonder we “can’t see forward”. But, with time, commitment and hard work I think things will somehow come together… Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Stale Coffee 2019-03-03 11:42:35 -0800
    Indie, Yes, I agree, sometimes it is hard to “really even give a shit”. Yet, here we are. I attempt to try to reenter life because the alternative is too bleak for me and my children. ~S.

  • commented on Reconstruction 2019-03-03 11:32:32 -0800
    Indie, You sure have accomplished many “herculean job(s)”. I wish that your existence felt less “meaningless”, but I do appreciate your honesty in your comments. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on I'm still your Girl 2019-02-18 09:34:06 -0800
    Laren, Thank you for sharing your heart and story with us. Like you, I cling to “the imprints of (his) existence.” And, it is a “modest comfort” as you say, but it often leaves me wanting more. More of what I can not have… It is the quandary of grief.

    The love you have for Barbara comes through in your words. #longlivelove ~S.

  • commented on Lifelines 2019-02-05 17:55:07 -0800
    Susan,
    I understand. Some days, for no particular reason, the missing goes to the depths of us. And, there is nothing that can be done except to endure it. And, as you know, the awful yearning eventually passes and returns to the dull emptiness from which it was born.
    I think “wailing” is called for on the days that our Souls wildly ache. There are no words to describe the desire to have and to hold someone who is gone from here. So, sometimes tears speak when words simply can not suffice. Have your cry. Your tears will cleanse you and tomorrow is a new day. Best to you as always, ~S.

  • commented on Joy Isn't Found in Tap Water 2019-02-03 16:58:07 -0800
    Ron,
    Firstly, great tune.
    Second, I think it is okay to let calls go to voice mail sometimes. We have to trust our instincts and practice self-care which includes taking time for ourself. Grief demands our attention; and although exhausting, we have to take the time to absorb it.
    Best to you my fellow cold water splasher. ~S.

  • commented on Exclamations and Tildes~ 2019-01-25 15:56:17 -0800
    I love this. I often sign off my online posts with a tildes and my initial. I never used to do this when Mike was alive. But, this makes sense now. The tildes is perfectly placed. I am not the Staci I used to be, I have been forced to recreate my identity, I am a work in progress… ~S.

  • commented on Average Widow 2019-01-17 12:12:47 -0800
    Susan, Thank you for your kind words. I write from my heart; and although I am glad that you feel the words so deeply, I wish you didn’t also know the pain of widowhood. Best to you as you continue to find your way. ~S.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
Donate Volunteer Membership