Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your pain.  And, to feel it to it's depth.

I believe that we are lead towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  I have begun to realize that visiting this empty place is necessary.  It is here that we find the answers we seek when our hearts are shattered.  This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  This is where our Soul speaks to us.  

Death creates a hollowness inside us.  And, the emptiness is gutting; but we have to go to this barren place to create ourselves anew.  I have become increasingly drawn towards the ledge of this place because I believe this is where some of the answers are.  So, take a breath, and come with me.  I know we will both be better for it.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge; admittedly, I am too.  The uncertainty that follows death is intimidating.  But, we have to make ourselves even more uncomfortable.  We have to establish some momentum and take a leap of faith.

I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. It is people like you, who can walk along side me as I navigate my way into a changed life.  I am glad you are here with me as I write about moving towards the light.  The light within me, and the light outside of me. Soaring Spirits International connects like minded people.  We support one another and  we no longer have to slay grief alone.

I am focused on change for all of us.  And, I know that if we are going to find our way out of this mess we can not stay comfortable in our grief.  We have to move.  We have to become off kilter

 As I write to you each week,  I am becoming more aware of my feelings.  I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am scared that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go, create a beautiful life for yourself.  We can not let life pass us by.  Together,  we've got this.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Quiet

As the months pass, I am becoming increasingly reserved.  I used to be a very social person; but, now, I am not overly interested in interacting with the people around me.  I am not compelled to engage in superficial conversations because it distracts me from my own thoughts.  My identity was intimately entwined with Mike; therefore, when I buried him, a piece of me was essentially buried alive.  Seventeen months ago, I lost myself.  And, now, I am grasping to redefine my self identity. 

In order to do this, I need to withdraw and delve into myself.  Now, I am quiet because I am constantly participating in an internal dialogue.  As I attempt to re-establish my identity I am endlessly searching my Soul to discover who I am.  Countless thoughts swirl around inside my head as I work to redefine myself and rebuild my life.  I am completely exhausted from all this thinking.  And, most of the time, I feel unsettled in both my mind and in my heart.  

Recently, I have eased up on the continuous planning and over-thinking.  I have reduced the amount of time I spend arranging ideas in my head because I realize that the best thing I can do is step aside and let the plan unfold.  I am more relaxed because I am certain everything will work out exactly as it should - regardless of what I do or don't do.  Endlessly shifting thoughts and ideas around in my head will not serve me well in the wake of Mike's death.  Finally, I understand that I need to do less strategizing and worrying.  I simply need to have faith and enjoy my life as I am re-routed toward a future that is different than I had planned.  Thankfully, I am no longer lacking faith.  But, now, my latest conundrum is that I am lacking passion... 

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Smile

He loved my smile.

And, let me tell you, I smiled a lot because of him.

I loved my life - when he was in it. 

I wore my smile like a permanent accessory

because my life was beautiful.

Our joy permeated the air around us. 

Our laughter echoed off every one near us. 

Our words to one another were always heartfelt.

We looked at each other with a love that others could feel.

Our smiles were effortless.

Life was good,

And, this is an understatement. 

 

 

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Life with Mike was spontaneous and full of adventure.  When he was alive I couldn't wipe the smile from my face because the life we were building together was so breathtakingly beautiful.  We "had the world by the ass" as he would say.  Mike loved a good swear word and I know that's not everyone's cup of tea; but, we were coffee drinkers... it is what it is. 

Many of our joy filled conversations came complete with a few saucy swear words - thrown in for emphasis - because that's how he rolled.  He tended to speak colorfully because he literally couldn't contain his excitement.  Mike was so in love with life and everything around him that he just blurted things out.  The crazy things that would fly out of his mouth made my life.  He taught me how to live with wild abandon.  And, I'm better for it.

When he spoke, sometimes he could be a bit brash, but he got away with it because of his smooth delivery.  Once in a while the refined, cautious people would look at him sideways, or glance in my direction to confirm that their ears heard what he said.  I'd knowingly smile because everything he spoke was accurate, albeit somewhat uncouth.  Mike could always be counted on to state the unrefined truth.  He was bright.  He saw the world and the people in it exactly as they were.  And, Mike definitely wasn't uncomfortable calling out what he saw.  He taught me to speak the truth confidently.  And, again, I am better for it.

Mike was a talker and he knew how to say the most audacious things with a twinkle in his eyes.  He spoke with a simple honesty that was admirable and refreshing.  Essentially, he was impulsive; and, a big kid at heart.  Mike was animated and he had a larger than life personality.  He saw the world in a whimsical way.  It was a privilege for me to see life through his eyes.  With Mike, my life became bolder and more magical.  And, I am a better woman for sharing part of my life with him.

 

It was a wild ride wandering through life with him by my side.

Everyday,

from the moment my eyes opened,

I had a smile smeared across my face . 

Life was big and bold and fun with Mike. 

Together,

we were having the time of our lives. 

Smiling,

was as natural as breath. 

 

I miss living like this.  Our life was rich.  I have never lived with such enchantment in all my life.  I miss the rapture he gave me.  I miss the gush of excitement he brought to the ordinary.  I desperately miss how he made me laugh.  The depth of my laughter was different when I was with him.  I often wonder if I will ever laugh that way again.  I hope I do.  And, in truth, I know that I will because he won't have it any other way; and...

 

 

 

 

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  • commented on Quiet 2018-04-23 16:11:55 -0700
    Gayle, I am definitely unable to fulfill my passion for long term travel and adventure right now; but, I no longer feel completely directionless. I had a huge realization about trying to “fix” my broken life ( see my blog Joy Seeker) and it has changed the way I am living. I now trust that there is a plan at work here. I have faith that everything will be okay in spite of what I do, or don’t do. In short, I have relaxed and I have faith that I being lead in the right direction.
    All the best to you, and to us all as we find our passion for life once again. ~SS

  • commented on Having All Your Birthdays in One Day 2018-04-15 14:04:28 -0700
    April, Thank you for taking the time to share your good wishes. I appreciate this. ~S

  • commented on His Girl 2018-04-18 14:47:12 -0700
    Janice, Thank you for taking the time to post your comment. I am glad that you saw your own love story in my writing. Like me, you were very blessed! What a love that we both had. The love I shared with Mike was everything I ever wanted love to be, and I am sure you feel the same about the love you had with your husband. Our gratitude for the love we experienced will carry us as we live without their physical presence. All the best to you, and to us all. ~S

  • commented on Hollow 2018-04-18 14:41:24 -0700
    Denise, I am glad that Soaring Spirits is helping you. I think there is an immediate kinship among us all who are travelling this road. Together we feel understood and less isolated. I’m grateful to be part of a community that helps others. All the best to you and to us all as we navigate the waters of grief. ~S

  • commented on Joy Seeker 2018-04-15 13:49:42 -0700
    Thanks for your comments Sarah. I really loved this blog too – I think it’s one of my favorite that I’ve written. It’s 17 months today as I am responding to you; and, I can tell that my grief is changing. I am more content to sit and just be where I am in life. And, I agree that it is comforting to utterly have faith that you are floating towards the life that you are meant to live. For so long I thought I had to “fix” my broken life. It is the opposite. I don’t need to do anything but get out of my own way. I just have to drift towards the opportunities that are waiting for me. So, let’s both enjoy just floating out in the open water, the possibilities are endless! ~ S

  • commented on Come Undone 2018-04-15 14:06:23 -0700
    Suzanne, Thank you for taking the time to thank me. No thanks is required. I love writing for this community. It is my privilege and writing is helping me find myself again. ~S

  • commented on Malbec Part 2 2018-03-15 12:15:50 -0700
    Thanks for your comment Robert. Yes, I completely agree that they are now “everything and everywhere”…

  • commented on Malbec 2018-04-15 14:10:24 -0700
    Cheryl, what a heartfelt comment. I am so glad that you connected to my words so deeply. I know that the reason my writing resonates with you so profoundly is because you also had a magical, pure love. We are very bless to have had beautiful love stories. My heart is grateful. I am a better woman because he loved me. ~S

  • commented on Strong on Your Love 2018-03-03 18:37:17 -0800
    Kimberly,
    Yes, we grief for the person we used to be. We are forever changed … Stay #strongonhislove

  • commented on Winds of Change 2018-02-15 16:01:47 -0800
    Thanks Margie.

  • commented on Facade 2018-02-05 11:02:15 -0800
    Gayle, Yes I agree Grief changes. Nothing in life is constant -including grief which I am thankful about. I found the first four months like an out of body experience. I was gutted and brought completely to my knees. Now, my Soul still aches for Mike and if I"m breathing I’m thinking of him, but the tears flow more lightly at almost 15 months.

  • commented on The Dance 2018-02-04 11:03:03 -0800
    Bev, I am glad that I a have surrounded myself with supportive people from online communities and in real life. Connecting with others who understand what your heart feels is necessary in order to survive; and, eventually move towards a changed future.
    I’m thankful to write for this online community, it is literally saving me from my grief.

  • commented on Loving You in Separation 2018-02-04 11:15:39 -0800
    Sharry, That’s it “he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time”. It takes some getting used to doesn’t it. As human beings I think we will always crave the physical. The nothingness that is now Mike leaves me hungry for his touch.

  • commented on Big Love 2018-02-04 11:10:32 -0800
    Suzanne, Some moments it is hard to breathe without them. Last night I was lost and it just didn’t seem like my heart could break any more. I was on my knees crying, but this morning the coffee is poured and I feel less nauseated about Mike being dead. Grief just comes blazing in sometimes and we have to go where it takes us… To answer your question, I think the point of continuing is because Life is too beautiful to just let it pass us by. I find gratitude helps to ease the heartbreak. I started a new mantra in my head and it has helped me feel more peaceful when the grief is heavy. I hope you feel some ease.

  • commented on Off Kilter 2018-01-10 17:02:15 -0800
    Gayle
    Thank you for your kind comment. I am happy that what I wrote resonates with you. And, I agree that it is helpful to re-read things that speak to us because certain words and phrases can become mantras that help us and give us hope. #youvegotthis

  • commented on I'm Building my Wings on the Way Down 2018-01-06 12:46:28 -0800
    Olivia, I’m glad that you heard your own heart in my words.

  • commented on Happy Birthday to Michele, just one L ... 2017-12-30 13:33:11 -0800
    This is so powerful and beautiful Kelley. Thank you. “She who took ashes and made paper airplanes that fly”

    - I believe that there is a little of this hope, magic and determination in every single one of us who has out lived the person we love; we just have to find it. Let’s all learn to fly (again).
    Happy Birthday Michele.
    With gratitude and respect for you both, Staci

  • commented on All is Calm, All is Bright 2017-12-27 15:36:20 -0800
    Marissa,
    I completely relate to your comment, thank you for sharing. Like you, I wish that “that headstones (could) talk back or give big hugs”. I stood at the grave Christmas day and traced Mike’s name with my fingertips; and as I left I kissed his cold headstone goodbye, like I do every time. And, then, “I let the hot tears flow”.
    I know we are all missing that hug you mentioned, I think we will always miss their arms around us and our lives for our entire lifetime. But, their love is present, always.

  • commented on I can feel your arms around my Life... 2017-12-20 09:47:14 -0800
    Candace, thank you for your comment. I appreciate that you wrote because it’s so nice to hear what people think when they read my writing. I am so happy that you related to the post. The language is common in widow that’s for sure.
    Awe, your husband called your Sweetie. I was always, “Beautiful”, “Honey” and often “Sweetie”. He called me those three words more than my name. I loved hearing his voice call out to me, and like you, I miss hearing those words so much. Staci

  • commented on Who Am I ? 2018-01-22 17:02:12 -0800
    Hunter, I appreciate your comments and insight.

    I think more people should ask themselves the question “Who am I?” The world would be a better place if we as human beings paused and considered what is in our hearts.
    Who are we? What do we want to do in our life?
    Reflecting on these big ideas serves everyone well. However, most people are too busy living their lives to stop and contemplate these existential questions.
    But, grief demands that we stop; and, in this stillness we ask and sometimes find the answers to these substantial questions.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who's life didn't turn out like planned. Life has thrown me a few curve balls. But, I'm still a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of fate. And, I always have a pocket full of hope.
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