Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


My Aliveness

It is not just his deadness, it’s my aliveness that weighs heavy on my Soul. 

In a month and one day, it will be exactly three years since Mike died. 

And, this year, it is not only his deadness that is gutting me, it is more...

 

Mike is dead.  That sentence is awful to read.  Beyond awful really.  And, it is terrible to type.  But, I force myself to bluntly and truthfully acknowledge his death in my writing every week because it helps me.  It pronounces my reality.  Mike died.  He can not become undead.  And, no matter how many times I write about missing him - he is gone from here. 

There is no fix to his deadness.  It is what it is.  And, over time, I have slowly begun to process his death.  This doesn't mean I like it.  I don't.  I never will.  But, I know that it is something that can not be undone.  So what can be done?  That is where I choose to focus my thoughts.  For me, I have to focus on what still is.  I can not let his death define me.  I have to concentrate on more.  Daily, I ask myself "now what?"; and, in truth, I still don't know nearly three years later.

 

 

 

 

 

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Adrift

When you become a widow everything familiar is suddenly lost. The rituals and routines of your old life no longer mark the way. As a widowed person you are forced to sail into uncharted waters. It is incredibly daunting. But, with time, you get used to it. And, you can even begin to flourish in the open water.

I am different because he died. I am changed in some significant ways because of the devastation that I am living through; but, the price I paid for this growth is too steep. No gain will ever be worth what I've lost. But, there is no changing it. Mike has died. Wishing it was different does nothing to help me and it does not undo his death. I have to stay the course and be grateful for the good things that I still have in my life.

 

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  • commented on Adrift 2019-10-14 20:26:06 -0700
    Vicki thank you for your heartfelt note.

    I write for me and for you and for all of us who are here.

    Best to you as you are adrift. You will find your way. We all will.
    ~S.

  • commented on My Aliveness 2019-10-14 09:03:35 -0700 · Flag
    It is powerful isn’t it.

    Emma, I have to live for me again. This is my life. Mike has his.

    I know he wants me to live big and bold and it’s about time I did.

  • commented on In The Past 24 Hours... 2019-09-15 18:23:59 -0700
    My heart aches reading your heartfelt words. I hold space for you in my heart Emma. ~S.

  • commented on The Thief of Joy 2019-09-15 15:30:04 -0700
    Sue,
    “It is what it is” is a phrase Mike used often. I love that you got tee shirts made.
    You are right, Mark will always live in your heart. #longlivelove
    ~S.

  • commented on Your Touch 2019-09-15 18:31:07 -0700
    Kelley, Of course I know you are the Friday writer. Maybe one day we will meet at a SS camp. I wish you didn’t relate to any of what I wrote. I am so sorry you “get it”, but I am grateful that your feelings are validated in what you read. This stuff is not for the faint of heart that’s for certain. ~S.

  • commented on Evanescence 2019-09-15 15:21:52 -0700
    Sue, I am sorry you understand my words.
    ~S.

  • commented on 1000 2019-08-23 15:52:03 -0700
    Thank you Mari. Writing helps. It has made this somewhat easier to bear. I hope it does the same for you. ~S.

  • commented on A Change of Heart 2019-08-12 10:20:41 -0700
    GRinNj . I absolutely hated the word acceptance in the past. It surprised me that I wrote a blog centred around acceptance. Grief evolves and sometimes it pleasantly surprises us.
    ~S.

  • commented on Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks 2019-07-04 15:54:44 -0700
    Bonnie, Those of us in this community hold space for each other in our hearts. Stay the course, thankfully, tough days come to an end and we try again tomorrow. ~S.

  • commented on Grief Math 2019-06-13 09:09:06 -0700
    Don, I have a lousy memory – since he died – so this does help me avoid some of the pitfalls of grief. Initially, I was largely in a fog, and I am certain that this was by design. The first year is a blur to me. Now, I am becoming more present which is necessary for me and my sons. Best to you as always, ~S.

  • commented on Strongish at Best 2019-06-13 09:10:46 -0700
    Karen, Stay the course. Some days are exhausting on all fronts. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Empty Act 2019-06-08 13:20:06 -0700
    Bonnie I am glad the blog is helping you cope. Continue to source things and people who make this awful experience slightly more bearable. I hope your grief group is a good fit for you. I attended a few and found them useful. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on Does this ever get easier? 2019-05-24 15:33:59 -0700
    Jeanne, I wish I had the answers to give you. I ask myself what “now what?” constantly. Daily, I question what I am supposed to do. I think we just keep any type of forward momentum that we can… Best to you as we both try to figure this out. ~S.

  • commented on Where Are You Mike? 2019-05-24 15:37:16 -0700
    Joyce, What a beautiful sign from your son to give you messages through your friends and children’s dreams. They are “here” even if we can not see them. ~S.

  • commented on Hollow Inside 2019-04-29 14:37:29 -0700
    Christopher, I am glad what I wrote could validate your feelings. That said, I wish you didn’t understand the aching inside my heart. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on 6 Years of Tired~ 2019-04-29 14:34:47 -0700
    Yes, to all you wrote.

    At 2.4 years, I see that this heaviness and missingness isn’t going anywhere. Life without them will not be as good as it was with them -ever. That is just the truth.
    So, now what? I ask myself this all day long… ~S.

  • commented on Everything but the Kitchen Sink 2019-06-12 12:34:13 -0700
    Kathy, I am glad that you feel validated in what you read. I am sorry you understand this.
    ~S.

  • commented on Facade 2 2019-04-17 17:56:48 -0700
    Karen,
    Like you, I have accepted that this emptiness and aching is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life because our love was deep. It was a soul connection and death does not lessen this type of love. In fact, I think it makes it stronger. ~S.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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