Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your pain.  And, to feel it to it's depth.

I believe that we are lead towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  I have begun to realize that visiting this empty place is necessary.  It is here that we find the answers we seek when our hearts are shattered.  This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  This is where our Soul speaks to us.  

Death creates a hollowness inside us.  And, the emptiness is gutting; but we have to go to this barren place to create ourselves anew.  I have become increasingly drawn towards the ledge of this place because I believe this is where some of the answers are.  So, take a breath, and come with me.  I know we will both be better for it.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge; admittedly, I am too.  The uncertainty that follows death is intimidating.  But, we have to make ourselves even more uncomfortable.  We have to establish some momentum and take a leap of faith.

I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. It is people like you, who can walk along side me as I navigate my way into a changed life.  I am glad you are here with me as I write about moving towards the light.  The light within me, and the light outside of me. Soaring Spirits International connects like minded people.  We support one another and  we no longer have to slay grief alone.

I am focused on change for all of us.  And, I know that if we are going to find our way out of this mess we can not stay comfortable in our grief.  We have to move.  We have to become off kilter

 As I write to you each week,  I am becoming more aware of my feelings.  I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am scared that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go, create a beautiful life for yourself.  We can not let life pass us by.  Together,  we've got this.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


Our First Wedding Anniversary

Tomorrow is our first

 “Wedding” Anniversary.  

And, I call it our Wedding Anniversary even though Mike died before we said

"I do". 

 

I married him in a thousand different ways before he even asked me to be his wife.

In our hearts we were husband and wife;

And, now given the circumstance, people tell me that's what matters.

 

Still, I wish I stood before Mike in a white dress. 

I wish my eyes met his as he lifted my veil.

I wish we were pronounced Husband and Wife.

But, that is not what happened.  

 

And, well, this evening,

the night before our first wedding anniversary,  certainty isn’t how I pictured it. 

Sometimes I can not believe any of this is truly real. 

As I type this, I can feel it, tonight  is not going to be easy... 

These anniversary dates are beyond difficult. 

I miss him to the depths of me.  

But, missing Mike doesn’t change his deadness.

The intensity of my “missingness” doesn’t bring him back to life. 

Nothing can.

So, I will just accept, that tonight is harder than the other nights.

 

I will remember my husband.

I will wish the future was how we imagined it would be,

Then, I will cry because it is so very different than we expected.

And, then, I will cry some more.

And, after, I will dry my tears,

And, I will listen to our favorite songs on repeat,

While I will celebrate our Love for one another.  

 

I am anxious because as the stars come out later tonight,

I know that I will miss my husband

- to the depths of me.

He is supposed to be here celebrating our first wedding anniversary.

But, he's not here.  

At least not physically...

So, I will sit alone in my backyard,

And, I will imagine what our life would be like if he didn’t die.  

Because, now, all I can do now is imagine...

 

If Mike was alive,

I know we’d be going away tonight to celebrate our Anniversary.

With our suitcases packed,

And, our hearts even fuller,

We’d head out into the world.

Hand in hand.

We’d be filled with gratitude for the life we share this past year as newlyweds.  

Wherever we were,

I know that we’d stay up too late talking about all our hopes and dreams. 

 

Mike and I were really best friends.  

It felt like we were having a lifelong sleepover with one another. 

It was almost too good to be true.

(Then it was.)

 

Sometimes we’d look at each other and smile

because we couldn’t believe how much fun we were having.  

It was fun in the simplest sense. 

We'd sit in bed and eat twizzlers and watch tv. 

And, other times we’d have a hot tub under the light of the moon.

Then, we’d turn the music on a little too loud and crowd each other

by the stove at midnight as we drank wine and made grilled cheese sandwiches

on his favorite cheap white bread.

 

It was a sweet, crazy love. 

And, I miss it.

At the time, we both knew there was something beyond magical between us. 

But, we couldn’t quite name it.

I still can’t.

 

Tonight, in honour of all that we were together,

I will drink red wine and I will wish he was here with me

- like I do every single day. 

But, tonight, I will wish he was here  a little harder than usual.

 

Our Love was a beautiful love to witness while Mike was here on Earth. 

And, it remains a strong love - even now.  

Ours is a big love.  A love that reaches across dimensions.

 

 

 

 

                    

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Love Note #1

My Love,

 

I miss you to the depths of me. 

When I say to the depths of me,

I mean I yearn for you,

With all that I am

-in my human form.  

 

And, then further. 

 

The aching for you lives,

Both, inside and outside of me.

 

I feel all the missingness,

Loosely, messily, precariously

Contained inside of me.  

Ricocheting off the corners of my mind.

 

But, the real missingness,

is bigger than the thoughts of you living inside my head.  

 

I miss you from within my heart. 

And, I am not talking about a heart drawn with red, waxy crayon.  

I am speaking of my Heart space.

The place,

Where my love for you lives.

 

I miss you from my being’s 

Heart space. 

Because, I love you with my Soul. 

And, now, I miss you with my Soul.

 

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  • commented on Now What? 2018-08-02 06:36:42 -0700
    Indira
    Thank you for sharing what you are feeling. You are not alone. We have all been there with the same questions and concerns and thoughts.

    Outliving Mike is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
    But, moment by moment, day by day grief changes. It gets softer with time. We have no choice but to build life around the emptiness inside us. Not easy, but possible – eventually.

    And, some days are definitely easier than others. Lean in to those who support and understand you.
    All the best to you and to us all. S.

  • commented on Options 2018-08-02 06:27:25 -0700
    Antonella
    8 months is early days.. you don’t need to BE anything right now.
    Of course you have responsibilities that you are duty bound to fill; and unfortunately the world doesn’t stop when our world is shattered. It’s damn hard.
    But it is possible to get to a place where you feel more content.

    Absorbing the death of your husband doesn’t just happen with time. It’s hard work. And, in the early days be patient with yourself.

    Sitting in our grief and feeling it’s ugliness is part of the process, and it isn’t easy. I don’t think you are stagnant, I think you are grieving and being still is part of it in the early days.

    And, most people can not understand the depth and breadth of ourbloss unless their spouse has also died.

    All the best to you and to us all,

    S.

  • commented on Living Room 2018-08-02 06:18:58 -0700
    Christine
    Thank you for your heartfelt response. Thriving is essential to recreating a life worth living, but it is much harder work than merely surviving. However, I think thriving and living well really does honour our beloved ones more.
    So here’s to “sur-thriving “ as you put it.
    All the best to you.
    S.

  • commented on La Bella Vita 2018-08-02 06:13:04 -0700
    Laren
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    I agree that their presence lives on and their signature is written all over the way we continue to live our lives. What a treasure for us.
    All the best to you, and to us all.
    S.

  • commented on Beginnings 2018-08-02 06:53:02 -0700
    Laren
    Thank you for your kind words of support to Jennifer. My response was delayed and I appreciate that you stepped up to offer support.
    S.

  • commented on Single Seat 2018-06-23 13:57:42 -0700
    Bobby, Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your honest, heartfelt comments. My heart is with you as you solo parent. My situation is very different than yours; but as a parent I understand some of the things you wrote about and I completely acknowledge your struggles. All the best to you and to us all.

  • commented on Marry Me. 2018-08-02 07:02:50 -0700
    Linda
    Our stories are incredibly similar. It is surreal even though we live it!
    I assure you that, with time and hard work we can both recreate a life. And, no it isn’t the life we imagined, but it the one we have.
    It will not be easy, but it’s posdible over time.

    You are in the early days. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
    And, know that grief is fluid. It changes with time…
    S.

  • commented on Let It Ride 2018-06-04 10:19:33 -0700
    Stephanie, Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I agree with you, there is “such an empty void without them”, but aside from this, we just have to keep living somehow. Some days I drown in the sadness and other days I feel hopeful that better days are ahead. And, all days I stay strong on Mike’s love as I try to find my way without him physically here. #strongonhislove

  • commented on Mothers. It's Complicated. 2018-05-21 09:23:57 -0700
    Luis, I agree on special days we are often met with these “poignant reminder(s)” of our loss. This is grief, and this is our life now… and like you said, “I don’t know if that will ever be different”. Some aspects of of our lives are forever changed.
    All the best to you, and the best to us all. ~SS

  • commented on Once Upon a TIME 2018-05-21 09:20:56 -0700
    Thank you Erick, I am happy you related to my writing, and also I’m so sorry that you understand. All the best to you, and to us all. ~SS

  • commented on Quiet 2018-05-04 11:07:25 -0700
    Vicki thank you for your heartfelt advice and comments. I appreciate what you shared with me. I figured a lot out since I wrote this blog Quiet. If you read my blog Passion I think you will see that I am now more content to stay firming planted where I am, raising my children. I figured out that Passion isn’t something I need to go looking for. Passion is NOT outside of me. It is inside me. I do not need to travel far away to find it because it is so very close to me. So close that I didn’t even see it. Passion LIVES WITHIN ME. Finally, I understand…. It’s given me so much peace of mind and heart.

  • commented on Having All Your Birthdays in One Day 2018-04-15 14:04:28 -0700
    April, Thank you for taking the time to share your good wishes. I appreciate this. ~S

  • commented on His Girl 2018-04-18 14:47:12 -0700
    Janice, Thank you for taking the time to post your comment. I am glad that you saw your own love story in my writing. Like me, you were very blessed! What a love that we both had. The love I shared with Mike was everything I ever wanted love to be, and I am sure you feel the same about the love you had with your husband. Our gratitude for the love we experienced will carry us as we live without their physical presence. All the best to you, and to us all. ~S

  • commented on Hollow 2018-04-18 14:41:24 -0700
    Denise, I am glad that Soaring Spirits is helping you. I think there is an immediate kinship among us all who are travelling this road. Together we feel understood and less isolated. I’m grateful to be part of a community that helps others. All the best to you and to us all as we navigate the waters of grief. ~S

  • commented on Joy Seeker 2018-04-15 13:49:42 -0700
    Thanks for your comments Sarah. I really loved this blog too – I think it’s one of my favorite that I’ve written. It’s 17 months today as I am responding to you; and, I can tell that my grief is changing. I am more content to sit and just be where I am in life. And, I agree that it is comforting to utterly have faith that you are floating towards the life that you are meant to live. For so long I thought I had to “fix” my broken life. It is the opposite. I don’t need to do anything but get out of my own way. I just have to drift towards the opportunities that are waiting for me. So, let’s both enjoy just floating out in the open water, the possibilities are endless! ~ S

  • commented on Come Undone 2018-04-15 14:06:23 -0700
    Suzanne, Thank you for taking the time to thank me. No thanks is required. I love writing for this community. It is my privilege and writing is helping me find myself again. ~S

  • commented on Malbec Part 2 2018-03-15 12:15:50 -0700
    Thanks for your comment Robert. Yes, I completely agree that they are now “everything and everywhere”…

  • commented on Malbec 2018-04-15 14:10:24 -0700
    Cheryl, what a heartfelt comment. I am so glad that you connected to my words so deeply. I know that the reason my writing resonates with you so profoundly is because you also had a magical, pure love. We are very bless to have had beautiful love stories. My heart is grateful. I am a better woman because he loved me. ~S

  • commented on Strong on Your Love 2018-03-03 18:37:17 -0800
    Kimberly,
    Yes, we grief for the person we used to be. We are forever changed … Stay #strongonhislove

  • commented on Winds of Change 2018-02-15 16:01:47 -0800
    Thanks Margie.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who's life didn't turn out like planned. Life has thrown me a few curve balls. But, I'm still a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of fate. And, I always have a pocket full of hope.
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