Beautiful Ramblings

It is my privileged to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to question what is stirring in your heart.  I encourage you to lean into your grief.  And, to feel it to it's depth.  This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives.  Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, changed life.  

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I am too.  But, we have to take a leap of faith.  With time, I am gathering momentum, and I am going to leap and build my wings on the way down. 

It has been  over two years since Mike died and I realize that what I fear most about the future is not the risks and uncertainty.  What I am afraid of is letting the opportunities for change pass me by.  I am afraid that I will settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life. 

I am worried that I will play small, when my potential is big.  As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink.  I am keeping us accountable.  I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life.  I want you to manifest the best in yourself.  Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.  

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci


So Far Away

Lately, Mike feels so far away.  It is very hard to properly describe, but I will give it a try.  He has taken on the feel of a memory.  Now, Mike feels like more of a memory than my person.  I feel lousy admitting this.  It sort of feels like he is dying all over again.

In my head, Mike feels like someone who lived once upon a time - in another lifetime.  Writing this and committing these thoughts to paper feels unsettling to me.  It is completely jarring.  I dislike that the man I love has taken on the feel of a familiar character in my favorite book.  Once upon a time, Mike was real.  He was flesh and blood not so long ago.  And, now it seems like he lived in another place and another time.  And, really, I guess he did.

Today, it does not feel like it was in my lifetime that he shared his life with me.  This is the stuff that fills my head and breaks my heart.  This is the stuff that widowhood is made of.  Dammit.  There is no happy ending I can possibly write to any of this. 

 

The man I love now feels like a memory. 

Read that again. 

Again. 

Read it.

And, now read it another time.  

The man I love now feels like a memory...   

 

He feels so far away. 

He feels like a lifetime ago.

He does not feel real anymore.

He doesn't feel real anymore because he is not.

He's not real anymore...

*Sigh.

 

 

 

 

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2 reactions Share

  • commented on So Far Away 2020-01-21 11:26:45 -0800
    Cathy
    Your welcome.
    I’m glad your feelings are validated.

  • commented on Acceptance 2020-01-12 21:42:49 -0800
    Melissa, I remember, not so long ago, being in the early days of grief. Reading the blogs of people who were further along than me gave me hope when I didn’t know how I would live another moment without him. And, comments like yours made me believe that one day, I would eventually not feel like I would die from sadness. Other widowed people’s words helped me believe that I would make it through the long, lonely nights. I want you to know that you gave someone, somewhere hope. This is powerful stuff. Thank you for doing this. Best to you, ~S.

  • commented on A New Year 2020 2019-12-30 10:45:30 -0800
    John
    It’s early days. Your grief will become more bearable with time, but it’s always present in some capacity.

    I try to remember the love and focus less on the loss. It’s not easy, but what else can be done.

    Best to you in 2020.
    Peace be with you,
    ~S.

  • commented on White Christmas 2019-12-16 09:58:05 -0800 · Flag
    Sandie
    I hope this third Christmas without Jeff is as gentle on you as it possibly can be.
    All the best to you and yours this holiday season,
    ~S.

  • commented on Happy Birthday to Me 2019-12-02 14:16:25 -0800
    Don, In the past I have revisited our special places on various anniversary dates. If it FEELS right I encourage you to continue this practice. Sure, we might have “mini meltdowns” while we revisit these special places, but that is okay. Grief is messy, meltdowns happen.

    As time has continued, I feel less frequently drawn to revisit geographic places that are tied to my memories of Mike. However, there are still some days that it feels right to go some place where he was. Sometimes I need that connection. I imagine I might always need these touchstones to our shared past.

    ~S.

  • commented on Wonderful Life 2019-11-25 08:47:24 -0800 · Flag
    Julie, I met Mike when he was 58. We had less than two years together. I have mourned his absence longer than we were together. It is not an easy way to live. I have to find a way to make my life feel less lousy. I have to believe that there is a wonderful life still ahead for me, for you and for us all. Best to you Julie as you navigate this alternate life. ~S.

  • commented on Coffee Talk 2019-11-20 14:06:02 -0800
    Don, I miss coffee talk and time with my best friend too. ~S.

  • commented on Another Year Without You 2019-11-17 22:51:28 -0800
    Ellen, We all feel we “suck” at this at times. No one gave us a manual, we are simply going by instinct here. Do what you can. And, give yourself grace.
    PS Did we meet at Camp Widow? I can’t recall your last name when we met – if you are indeed the Ellen who introduced herself to me. ~S.

  • commented on Loss Connections 2019-11-03 07:29:22 -0800
    I will be in Toronto. My first Camp Widow ever. I can’t wait to meet you Kelley.

  • commented on Live Forward 2019-11-03 07:45:32 -0800
    Gailsnn, I appreciate your note. I’m sorry you understand. ~S.

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  • commented on Adrift 2019-10-20 15:21:40 -0700
    Sue,
    We are in good hands.
    ~S.

  • commented on My Aliveness 2019-10-20 15:20:53 -0700 · Flag
    Mary,
    9 Months is early on. I remember being just like you and reading blogs from Alison (who writes here). She was years into this mess and I was in AWE of how she did it. I wondered how she didn’t die from sadness.

    Now, I know. A part of her did die. But, a big part of her is still alive. And, it is the same for me and for you and everyone reading this.

    We are forever changed because they lived and shared their lives with us. And, part of living is dying.

    Likewise, we are profoundly changed because they died. There is no denying this.

    With time, we recreate our identities and our lives and live forward . They lived their lives. We didn’t die and we must eventually reenter life and acknowledge our “aliveness”.

    ~S.

  • commented on In The Past 24 Hours... 2019-09-15 18:23:59 -0700
    My heart aches reading your heartfelt words. I hold space for you in my heart Emma. ~S.

  • commented on The Thief of Joy 2019-09-15 15:30:04 -0700 · Flag
    Sue,
    “It is what it is” is a phrase Mike used often. I love that you got tee shirts made.
    You are right, Mark will always live in your heart. #longlivelove
    ~S.

  • commented on Your Touch 2019-09-15 18:31:07 -0700
    Kelley, Of course I know you are the Friday writer. Maybe one day we will meet at a SS camp. I wish you didn’t relate to any of what I wrote. I am so sorry you “get it”, but I am grateful that your feelings are validated in what you read. This stuff is not for the faint of heart that’s for certain. ~S.

  • commented on Evanescence 2019-09-15 15:21:52 -0700
    Sue, I am sorry you understand my words.
    ~S.

  • commented on 1000 2019-08-23 15:52:03 -0700
    Thank you Mari. Writing helps. It has made this somewhat easier to bear. I hope it does the same for you. ~S.

  • commented on A Change of Heart 2019-08-12 10:20:41 -0700
    GRinNj . I absolutely hated the word acceptance in the past. It surprised me that I wrote a blog centred around acceptance. Grief evolves and sometimes it pleasantly surprises us.
    ~S.

I'm a Mother, Ex-Wife, Fiancee, and Widow who has been forced to live a life different than the one I imagined. Still, I'm a Lover of Life. Somehow, I'm still a fan of Fate. And, I actively seek Joy -this has made all the difference.
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