She is...

shutterstock_287159366.jpgShe stands alone on her porch gazing up at the night sky remembering all the countless nights in years past she stood there together with her lost love. She remembers how they gaped at the star-filled sky, the Milky Way, the shining moon, here in this remote outback of the world, so far from any big city lights…the excitement they shared over a sudden shooting star. A meteor shooting across the inky landscape always called forth a childlike awe that never got old. Mysterious lightening from behind the mountain startles the blackness as she stands there, and she sighs, thinking how he would have wondered at the wonderment of the heavens. Then she wonders if he can see what she is seeing now…she wonders what else he can see that she cannot, from wherever he is.


She wakes each day now not to the sound of him, not to the rhythm of a life once so familiar, but to a new, strange world. Each morning she must remind herself that he is no longer here. He will not have made the coffee. He will not wish her a good morning. He will not share in the schedule of the day in any way.


She makes her own coffee now. She makes her own schedule now. She must face the day, the tasks, the chores, the problems that arise, a broken toilet, a letter from the bank, a full pail of garbage, a trip to the store…without his help, without his input, without his suggestions…without his companionship. Without his support. There will be no more sushi dinners or superhero movies together anymore.


She finds herself often in the company of people he never knew, in a job he never imagined, a future he never hinted at. She wonders what he would have thought. She wonders what she would be doing now, were he still here.


But it is no use. Because he is not. 


But she is.


She talks of him often both to those who knew them and many who did not. She often sits and ponders the years they had together; the memories, the good times and even sometimes, the bad. 


She often cries out in distress; how could he leave her here like this?? And sometimes she notices a life that would not be, if he had not. She contemplates the future ahead, one she did not ask for, but looms nonetheless, which bleakness has slowly shown signs of light, here and there.

She tries to fathom the reasoning behind it all.


She is sad, angry, and hurt; alone in her memories of the life she had…and she is also grateful, both for what she had with him, and for what she has now. And yes, she is stronger. She has no idea how that happened. But so far, incredibly, she has survived. She remembers how he used to laugh when he said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…and thinks how odd it is in a way that he is the one who didn’t make it, strong as he was…


She is the one here now. Yes, for now…she is.


But he is not.


Showing 6 reactions

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  • Stephanie Vendrell
    commented 2015-07-26 15:59:53 -0700
    Thank you Yvonne…and Tricia – I find it interesting that our work sometimes seems to mirror each others without planning, as if we are somehow on a similar thought stream. I look forward to reading it…and yes, we do it because we must. So thankful to be sharing it all though.
  • Tricia E. Bratton
    commented 2015-07-26 15:33:04 -0700
    My post this week is similar to yours, written in the third person. I wrote it before I read this. Thank you for sharing your life with us, the one you did not ask for, the one without him in it. It is so strange to be moving through our lives without them. How do we do it? Because we are still here. Because we must. xx
  • Yvonne Beyer
    commented 2015-07-24 20:00:07 -0700
    This sounds my life as well. Beautiful post. Stay strong.
  • Stephanie Vendrell
    commented 2015-07-24 16:41:56 -0700
    Thank you, Stephen and Michelle, for commenting…and sharing your feelings.
  • Stephen Hochhaus
    commented 2015-07-23 11:50:52 -0700
    Yet it is where so many of us are.
  • Michelle Fitzakerley
    commented 2015-07-23 01:10:18 -0700
    So heartbreaking and so much my reality as well