This confusing, weird, strange, life as a widow.

I've stored PinkMagic for a couple of months while I'm here in Arizona, while I take a break from the road to write my book and rest a bit.  While I'm here, I'm staying with my son and his wife and family, which is wonderful and I know that they're happy to have me mind....oh, my mind and where it goes as I figure this crap out.

For 24 years my life was my husband.  I adored him, I was in love with him.  Together he and I lit our world on fire and I felt fulfilled and useful and our life was one of adventure and excitement in so many ways.  I loved being his wife.  I felt sensual with him.  There was a vibrancy and electricity as we moved and touched one another that energized me daily.  It was physical, it was emotional, it was spiritual.

Who the fuck am I now?  This image of myself that I see in the mirror lacks...everything that used to be and I don't/can't see what is there now.  I feel genderless, honestly.  My body was accustomed to his touch, his lovemaking, our bodies moving together in passion.  I miss that dreadfully.  My eyes oh my eyes where did the sparkle and flash go?  All I can see in them now is dreadful sorrow and stillness and confusion.  Such confusion.  What is my role now?  Where do I belong when home was a person and that person is dead?  I don't say any of this in self-pity (and I feel I have to add that because sometimes it seems that people make that judgement). It's more about shock, I think.

I still keep my right hand empty when I walk.  Old habit.  Maybe I'll feel him take it in his again one day.

Sometimes I turn on the music Chuck and I would dance to, and put my right hand out, and my left as if resting on his shoulder, and I dance with him again.  Ghost dancing I call it.

At night I reach out for him next to me.  I hate the emptiness that I find.

When will I again feel like a woman?  When will I figure any of this out?  Will I ever feel passion of any kind again?  Will a man ever kiss me again and, if that happens, will it kill me from wanting him to be Chuck?

Fucking widowhood~ 



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