Yesterday, I was driving to my Soaring Spirits Widowed Social Group meetup that I co-lead.
We meet 2x per month, at various coffee shops and restaurants and such.
We provide friendship, support, and a place to safely be our widowed selves,
whether thats crying, laughing, venting, or anything in between.
Yesterday we met at a new location. A restaurant we had not yet met at before.
I had never been there before.
The location of the restaurant is on the right side of a street where a 4-way intersection meets.
Getting to the parking lot is a bit confusing.
I drove past the restaurant, because I couldnt find the entrance to it.
So I drove up a couple thousand feet up the road, made a left onto a secondary street, slowed down, put my directional on, and made a U-Turn to get back onto the street where the restaurant was.
In the midst of my U-turn, the driver who was behind me smashed into my car, on the left drivers rear side.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, my car was being pushed off the road by the impact, I was in a fog of some kind, and I had been slammed pretty hard.
One second, everything was fine and normal.
Then, with no warning at all,
And although a car accident is different than someone having a sudden heart attack and dying, as my husband did,
I know what both feel like. The shock and fog and cloudy feeling is no joke.
As we called 911 and asked each other "are you okay?" and all the other chaos that happens in the moments after an accident,
my mind felt thick and unsure. I felt in a daze of some kind. Like I was watching a movie in slow-motion, and not really understanding the plot.
Im okay. I was not injured.
But it shook me.
That dazed out feeling lasted the rest of the day yesterday, and even somewhat into today.
It reminded me of July 13, 2011. It reminded me of being jarred awake by that phone call from the hospital.
It reminded me of feeling nauseous when they told me "we did all that we could. He didnt make it."
That feeling like your head or your brain isnt on straight. Like you are unsure how to focus or if you are breathing correctly.
Its a strange feeling, that feeling of not knowing quite where you are or whats going on or what the hell just happened.
And in that state of confusion and shock, there are people asking you questions and expecting you to be of sound mind.
Within minutes of finding out my healthy, 46 yr old husband went into sudden cardiac arrest and died,
I was being asked about phone numbers, contacting people, addresses, decisions about organ donation, on and on and on.
Within minutes of being slammed and pushed into the side of the road,
I was being asked about insurance, registration, license, which direction I was traveling, on and on and on.
People ask a lot of questions when you are in a state of total confusion and fog.
But as the fog slowly lifts,
I cant help but think about every trauma survivor,
whether it be a car accident or a sexual assault or the sudden deth of someone they love or something else.
I cant help but think about how awful it is, being in that state of confusion,
and being peppered with endless questions,
when you can barely figure out what has just happened.
It will take some time,
but my brain will be returning soon.
Be careful out there.