Second Time Around

Does our soul get more than one soulmate? 


And no. 

This is what I believe. .... 

Our soul is perhaps the biggest part of our makeup, as human beings. It is what carries all the important stuff. Emotion, heart, love. I think that with life experience, age, and time, our souls change and alter some. I think after the death of a partner or spouse, our souls become different. They transform. Sure, the core of who we are remains - some personality traits, things like that. But our soul, the way we view the world, the way we love - changes drastically after the death of a partner or spouse. So, to me, the soul and the person I was, when I was with my husband and loved by him, is not the same soul and person I am today, because of his death. That soul deserved love. This one does too. The way I love is different now, and the person I am today, has a soulmate. My first soulmate lives on in my heart, and through all my memories and stories about us. As his widow, I feel honored and privileged to be the one to carry out his legacy, and build my own, on the foundation that is love. The bricks are all built from love. 

I’m doing things differently this second time around. I can’t help it. It’s who I am now. It’s a part of my makeup, in this life after death. 

I am saying "I love you" to the person I love, numerous times, as often as possible. Some may think its overkill or can grow stale - but I don’t see it that way. Each time I say it, I mean it 1000%. Each time I say it, every part of me knows inside my bones, that it could be the last time I am allowed to say it. This person could walk out that door and never come back. They could die. I could die. If that should happen, I want them dying knowing 1000%, that I love them, and that my love grows for them every day. If I die, I want to die knowing that one of the last things I heard and knew, was my person telling me they love me. I did not get that chance with Don. Sudden death takes all those chances away. No good mornings. No goodbyes. (I would have never said goodbye anyway) No "I love you." I didn’t say it enough in my marriage, and now he's dead. I will not make that same mistake twice. I have spent months and years beating myself up, for not saying these words enough in the days before he died, and just in general. It is a terrible feeling, to not be totally sure if the person you loved, really truly knew how appreciated and loved and cared for they were. I have to believe he knew, but I will never know for sure, if during the week of his death, he felt loved and appreciated by me. It breaks my heart to this day, to even think about it. 

 So, this second time around, I could tell my guy 200 times a day that I love him, and it will still never feel like enough. For my part, I will try to keep my "I love you’s" to under the 200 mark, so he doesn’t go screaming and running away from me in horror. But that's the best I can do, really. Because "I love you" are the three most gorgeous words on earth, and I will say them with pride, with thought, and like it's my last day with the honor to do so. 

Widowed friends - how has death changed your "I love you?" I would love to know.

Showing 5 reactions

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  • Linda Tevebaugh Keeling
    commented 2018-04-28 19:17:24 -0700
    Kelley…you explained this perfectly…..I have found another love and it is just as you described….I am different…and my new marriage is different from the one I had with John……and my now husband is so opposite of John, that people have questioned it.
    And it is impossible to explain to someone who has not lost a partner or spouse…..
    I cherish my almost 5 years with John…….yet I am looking forward to more years ahead with my new husband.
    I am so happy to hear you have found another love…..and I loved the pictures from your last post…..thanks for sharing….Linda
  • Cathy
    commented 2018-04-28 08:11:04 -0700
    I, too, find myself saying “I love you” more to the important people in my life (primarily adult kids, grand baby, and 3 close friends). I think about never seeing them again, accidents can happen in the blink of an eye and one of us is gone. Having watched husband, both parents, bro in law, two friends, and uncle depart in a short time span, I’m always waiting for who will be next. I’ve yet to have a serious relationship with anyone; got close but then he, too, died, which made me all the more aware of the fragility of life. I think most of us take for granted that those around us love us, and until we can no longer touch and tell them , we don’t realize how powerful those words are. So I’ve become like you, saying “I love” til I know they hear it. Overkill? Maybe but that’s what many deaths do to you.
  • indie
    commented 2018-04-27 20:10:13 -0700
    You want honesty? I don’t say I love you anymore. I realize now that there was only one person I ever loved and who loved me. Yes, just one. I really really care about some of the other people who are in my life now and I may periodically say the three words to a really good friend who needs to hear them for their own personal embrace of words that might help their day but I only “loved” one person. In fact, I don’t think i ever really “loved” my mom and dad…..I respected them, I felt fondness and caring and they would tell me they loved me and I would respond in kind …….they were good fine people who cared about their children but I realize I only have truly loved only one person in this life. And I had plenty of time and experience in trying to love before that until my soulmate and I reunited……….just the way the universe gave it up to me……now I seek a final reunification……
  • Kelley Lynn
    commented 2018-04-27 13:14:52 -0700
    Thank you Misty!
  • Misty Corrales
    commented 2018-04-27 11:22:32 -0700
    This is a beautiful piece.