Stephanie Vendrell

Aloha and Mahalo

One of the things I’ve learned - one of the great many things I’ve learned since becoming a widow is that life is change. All things shift, turn on their heads, ebb and flow, and come to an end. We can’t stop it though we may try.

I might have thought I understood that before Mike died, but now I really get it. Because something has happened inside of me since that moment: I gave up control. I first did it with that feeling of absolute futility the moment you discover your husband is dead. I didn’t care about anything anymore anyway. But as time went on, I never picked it back up again. I never had it in the first place, and all the illusion of control ever did was mess me up.

Life is change. It is love too, which itself changes us, and our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. So to flow with the love that is life that is change, I had to release.

 

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  • commented on Ahhh...Life.... 2016-01-13 02:32:40 -0800
    I totally get the idea that I have to get to know the person who has survived this loss. I am a new woman, sad, lonely, heartbroken…but also finding my strength I didn’t know I had. I appreciate your posts Alison, because they make me feel your loss and also your own strength. We are a community, we widowed people. I am grateful for you, and all of us.

  • commented on Not Alone and Lonely 2016-01-07 14:53:21 -0800
    I think it is, Lisa. I wish you all the best in your career endeavors – and in all that life has to offer, bittersweet as it is. It takes so much effort, but paying attention to the possibilities may give answers and a future and, as you said, growth, we might not have imagined otherwise. Peace to you.

  • commented on Happy New Year 2016-01-04 22:24:17 -0800
    I am so happy to hear about your time together this year, Mike. It just means so much. Permission to have fun together is such a gift. I get it. Love and aloha to you all. (and I have no doubt that Internet or not, Drew and Megan are dancing a happy dance for you on the other side, as I know my Mike is too.)

  • commented on New - A Year in Review 2016-01-03 13:00:07 -0800
    Happy New Year Mike. I am so glad you took that trip.

  • commented on The Last Straggler 2016-01-03 12:55:53 -0800
    Thank you Rebecca.

  • commented on Home, Heart and Facing Fears 2016-01-03 12:55:18 -0800
    These shifts are important and monumental, and become clearer upon looking back a little, I find…I feel happy for you Sarah – I remember well your post from a year ago and seeing where you are now warms my heart. Wishing you love and beauty in 2016.

  • commented on Setting my Goal for 2016 2016-01-02 12:13:54 -0800
    That was very inspiring. Knowing where you’ve come from in your grief, setting such positive goals – and actually going after them – is such a strong and important thing. Thank you for inspiring us all Rebecca. And here’s to growth – and happiness too – in 2016.

  • commented on Sadness and Sugarplums 2015-12-31 00:26:11 -0800
    Cathy…be here now. Always a good one to think about, thank you. Lisa, hope you have some peace too.

  • commented on Far From Ideal 2015-12-17 14:47:29 -0800
    Cathy…I hear you. I had thought I would have so many more years with Mike. I just sucks. And Lisa…we do change, don’t we, it’s just part of it. I’m glad for the community too. Thank you both for commenting.

  • commented on Nobody Else Can Die 2015-12-04 17:41:04 -0800
    I’m with you. No one else can die. I have no stomach for it either. Hugs.

  • commented on Missing Pieces 2015-12-04 14:48:26 -0800
    Thank you Cathy.

  • commented on Holiday Spirits 2015-12-01 22:09:48 -0800
    You are lucky to have each other, to get what you are going through, both of you…I have yet to do any holiday decorating, and will not again this year…I share the same feeling that Mike is missing out and it makes me so sad. Doing something special to remember them both is wonderful. I am happy, too, for Shelby, to have a way to remember her mom’s holiday spirit and enjoy the season with you two.

  • commented on Thanksgiving Blues 2015-11-27 22:47:07 -0800
    I am glad you put up the tree…that is so frigging hard. We had one kind of like that too, a small fake tree…I still haven’t put it up since Mike died and will not again this year. The lonely moments are the hardest…and it’s a sucky time of year…hugs to you too Kelley. xoxo

  • commented on No Pie for Me, Thanks 2015-11-27 22:33:31 -0800
    Thanks for the hug, Kelley. Glad you had a nice day despite the moments…and Lisa, birthdays are hard too, I get you, and I am grateful for your commenting and support. It means so much.

  • commented on Birthday Wishes 2015-11-19 19:27:13 -0800
    Thank you Cathy.

  • commented on The Loneliness of Grief 2015-11-14 15:16:54 -0800
    It is astounding how many people do not get it, and how hurtful and insensitive some of their comments can be. I, too, turn to my widow sisters and a handful of other family and friends who get it…and, I am grateful for Widow’s Voice and my fellow writers. I know I am not alone and it makes a difference. Hugs to you, Rebecca.

  • commented on Stream of Life 2015-11-12 14:08:36 -0800
    Thank you Stephen…Mike would have agreed with you, love being the one true constant…

  • commented on One Powerful Word~ 2015-11-11 15:43:48 -0800
    I so get this, Alison. Nothing intimidates me anymore either. Nothing scares me anymore. Nothing is as big and scary as losing Mike. Nothing matters so much.

  • commented on Fearing Healing 2015-11-09 20:08:45 -0800
    This is beautiful Michele…burning our personal grief fuel describes how it feels, therein a hope for a future, albeit one we didn’t ask for.

  • commented on Not 51 2015-11-06 13:38:43 -0800
    Sigh. Mike’s birthday is this month too, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It’s such a hard day. I’m so sorry Kelley.

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