Stephanie Vendrell

  • commented on Long Time no See 2018-10-02 02:12:18 -0700
    I totally relate. I’m in my sixth year of grief, and find parts of myself resurfacing as well. Waking up again is a good way to put it. Love to you xoxo

  • commented on Get Along, Grief Shamers 2018-07-19 00:29:30 -0700
    Thank you.

  • commented on Truth in a Weedwacker 2018-06-02 18:01:12 -0700
    My Mike did our yard work too, albeit reluctantly…after he died I tried a couple times but I couldn’t handle it at all. I saw a yard service guy doing a neighbors yard and approached him crying, telling him my husband was dead and could he help…well, he did, all those years after Mike died I was still in that house, I never did the lawn again. I am glad you overcame that hurdle, and shared it.. I think it’s a big one for a lot of us widows, those things so many of our husbands did for us, not just completing the task itself without them but remembering them doing it and how bleak it feels.

  • commented on Let It Ride 2018-05-29 17:07:32 -0700
    Boy that sure reminds me of my Mike, and my own feelings of missing him. Such a huge force in our lives, and such an empty void without them. Thank you for this, and for the perspective on creating our own space. You said it beautifully.

  • commented on Ink to Remember 2018-05-01 03:41:17 -0700
    After Mike died, his daughter and I both got tattoos of owls, Mike’s totem animal, and ours as well. Hers was an ornate, beautiful, full shoulder work of art a friend of ours did, incorporating Mike’s eyes on the owl, and other details of him. For me, I took sketches of a line-drawn owl Mike doodled all over the place to that same friend…and we both had a pinch of his ashes incorporated into the ink. I had mine put over my heart, and there it will stay, forever. My only tattoo. For now. Xoxo

  • commented on Vacation 2018-03-19 08:07:31 -0700
    Getting out there is SOOOOO hard but you have had the opportunity to do so and I wish I would have much sooner than I did. The trips I’ve taken since Mike died will be with me forever…and yes, he was with me every step of the way. I carried the grief of wishing he were there…I watched other happy couples wondering, how on earth is that guy still alive when Mike didn’t make it…I feel sorry for myself, I miss the life we had…and yet, I have other, new, and yes, fun memories. And it’s not just that he would have wanted that for me. It’s that I now realize, after five years, that it’s my life, and I have the right to populate it with joy and fun and friends and not feel guilty. But yeah. That takes a long time. And the guilt kind of never really leaves. I guess I just learned how to live with the feeling and not let it take away the chance to continue living. If someone were to ask me what grief was, I might answer in a thousand different ways. But after reading your post, today, it might be…learning to live with the guilt, and making a place for friends, fun and live beside it. xoxo

  • commented on Vulnerability 2018-03-19 07:58:53 -0700
    Olivia, you hit the nail on the head. I went through much the same process…reading, reading, reading, (while grieving, crying, grieving, crying) then writing…slowly opening up to the process on my own site, and eventually being asked to participate here. The years I spent writing here were fulfilling in a way I may never be able to fully describe. They helped me, and they connected me to many others, and through knowing them, understand that it was our shared experience that creating a healing experience. Not that we will ever all be fully healed…ha. Just that we are together in the process. I feel that is what it is all about. Thank you for sharing, and big hug.

  • commented on I Hate .... 2018-03-19 07:53:39 -0700
    Crap. Totally get it. Every morning my boyfriend sleeps longer than I do I always check to make sure he’s breathing. Because the last time I found my husband he wasn’t. It’s an fking horrible thing.

  • commented on The Me Now 2018-02-12 16:28:46 -0800
    Hi Olivia, welcome to Soaring Spirits. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Being younger than what society usually associates with widowhood presents some unique challenges for sure. I look forward to following your journey.

  • commented on Aloha and Mahalo 2018-02-07 19:40:25 -0800
    Thank you everyone, truly, from the bottom and top of my heart. Being here has been everything and I will miss writing for this blog terribly, and yet, I look forward to reading the new writer, and will continue to follow, comment and read. Please feel free to contact me anytime, and check my personal site for updates. Your responses and support have meant everything to me. I appreciate you all so deeply.

  • commented on Ghost House 2018-01-30 15:13:34 -0800
    You said it Lisa, we keep them safe in our hearts. Thank you.

  • commented on Big Love 2018-01-17 23:08:08 -0800
    Beautifully written…I feel the intensity of your grief, and the love you shared. I had my Mike to so…those words ‘when Mike was alive’….also want to follow me around forever. Thank you for sharing this.

  • commented on Stored Memories 2017-12-22 12:10:05 -0800
    You’re so right, Cathy—- Christmas cards from people who still have intact, whole families is hard. I can’t begrudge them their joy and yet it’s always a reminder of what I have lost. Hope you find some nice moments, and we’ll be glad when it’s over again. Hugs.

  • commented on Inward and Outward 2017-11-30 14:57:39 -0800
    Scott, thank you for that encouragement. Like many others, I do have a book in the works, but life is so full of the daily bits, it might be awhile before it’s finished. But I will remember your words. Thank you.

  • commented on Itching and Aching 2017-11-26 13:11:39 -0800
    Oh Candace, I am so sorry. The first year without them is an absolute horror. Though I wish it could say it gets easier, that empty space will always be just that: empty. Big hug.
    Sarah, thank you for sharing this. There are so many fears wrapped up in this move. You’re right- I definitely need to leave room to grief throughout this move, and beyond. Thank you for sharing your journey as I believe we get strength from each other. Xoxo

  • commented on Going With It 2017-11-17 15:35:01 -0800
    Thanks Cathy… I can already tell, driving by will be hard and I will probably avoid it too for a long time. But once again it seems to be a thing some of us share. :((

  • commented on Decisions, Decisions 2017-10-28 17:16:09 -0700
    Thank you Carolyn. It seems to be a shared journey, and the support here is important.
    Yes Lisa- getting used to limbo, somehow- it does seem like it will never end. Thank you for your support, xoxo

  • commented on Breaking Home 2017-10-16 21:44:36 -0700
    Lisa- funny how widowhood relates to boot camp…or not so much, maybe. Unfortunately it’s not an eight week program, but just keeps happening and happening. I love the encouraging quote though and will surely use it myself!!
    Cathy- Cathy, your experience nails it too: never ending boot camp. And leaving a space you have had for so long is heart-wrenching. I try to think of the new and good, but sometimes, it is really just so hard.

  • commented on Always Surprise Yourself 2017-09-11 04:40:35 -0700
    And it brings back the reminder, life is like a rollercoaster. In all its ups and downs, the reluctance to even get on, the thrill of it…and the fears and horrors. Sarah I thank you for your frankness and willingness to share these deep parts of yourself which we share in our own ways. We are all, us widowed people, rediscovering ourselves every day, and take courage in your adventures. Hugs.

Honored to have been a blogger here at Widow's Voice for nearly four years. I am so grateful for Soaring Spirits and my widowed support network. Stay tuned for my book about My Life With Mike.
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