Artist. Writer. Creative Mentor.

Soaring Spirits has had an enormously positive impact on my own life as a widow as well as the lives of so many friends and others. This organization is doing incredible work to help people not only to cope with widowhood, but to learn how to rebuild themselves beautifully... with love, laughter, tears, and authenticity. Most of all, Soaring Spirits gives us hope. Hope that life can still be amazing even after we have lost the most important person in our world. Hope that a beautiful life - one that our partner is always a part of - can be created. 


Meeting in Dreams

This past week, I had a pretty crazy dream. It’s the first time of this sort that I have ever had. As many of you know, our Tuesday writer, Mike, is my boyfriend. He lost his wife, Megan, in 2014 to Cystic Fibrosis and I lost my fiance, Drew, in 2012 in a crash. We’ve been dating now a few years, and still nothing like this dream has showed up before.

And then came Mother’s Day last week… and the post I wrote about Mike and Megan’s daughter, whom I am now caring for as my own. You can read that post here, but essentially it boiled down to my deep appreciation for this little person being in my life now and all that she has changed for the better.

So that night, the end of Mother's Day, I had a dream... about Megan...

It was not just any dream. It was one of *those* dreams… and you all know the ones I mean. The dreams that some of us call “visits” because of how realistic they feel. In this dream, Megan was in a hospital bed and Mike and I were on either side of her. He was not a major part of the dream, except to introduce me to Megan at the beginning. He told her that I was the new person in his life. That I was the one chosen to be here, after her. And then, there was this completely real, completely tangible moment of us looking eye to eye at one another. Silence. Hearts beating, a little tensely. Guardedness. Neither yet saying words… she was taking me in. She was taking in this moment of her life that she knew would always come.

And just as if it had been real, you could feel the presence of protectiveness in her. The seriousness of the situation in her. And she then looked forward a moment, took a breath, and began to tell me in a very matter of fact way what was important to her for me to take care of after she’s gone...

Read more
1 reaction Share

  • commented on Into the Woods 2015-12-20 13:54:18 -0800
    Thank you so much Cathy. We just returned and i have to say it gave me a deeper appreciation for the little comforts and relaxed me so much. I hope you got out for a good hike yourself!

  • commented on Falling 2015-11-21 18:29:27 -0800
    God, why are we always going through the same shit in some way at the same time? I have been feeling this EXACT thing the past week…. how long will it take? When will it start to feel like success and not like scrambling? Will I ever get anywhere on this book (the photo book, which came to a halt several months ago and is still sitting there stuck. ugh) Yup, i get it. I also can so imagine how much panic and stress it is creating to feel like this is your shot and you could mess it up if you dont do X, Y, Z… with my photos, i only have roughly 2 years to get them exhibited in galleries before they are then considered “old work” which is total shit. At this point, i still havent snagged a single solo exhibit, and i really badly want this series to be shown in totality somewhere big on the walls. I so get it. And I so get the feelings of being tired of working overtime. We definitely should skype after Thanksgiving. I miss you tons. Moving is shitty, and lonely. Love you!

  • commented on The Big Move 2015-10-30 06:20:55 -0700
    Thank you all. ITs been a rough past week no doubt, but so FULL… full of love, full of joy, full of heartbreak. Very very full. Thank you for reading and the love!

  • commented on What A Man Is 2015-08-30 06:54:10 -0700
    Yeah, you made me cry today. Damn. Even after these years, I still hate all of this shit. For you. For me. For all of us. And even if i have found someone new… I still HATE all of this simultaneously. I still hate that Mike isn’t Drew in some small corner of my heart… and I always will. If that makes any sense (I’m sure in widow terms it does). God this shit is so so accurate. Well written.

  • commented on The Two Faces of Fall 2015-08-25 16:14:25 -0700
    Thank you Karrlin! And Kelley… yes! One of these days!

  • commented on Seeing in Color 2015-08-23 06:06:51 -0700
    I loved this one!! I think you’ve inspired my post for today even a bit. I feel exactly the same way about fall. This year is the first year I have the real excitement back about it… not like it used to be, but in a NEW way. And I feel stupidly over excited just the way you are feeling!! Most of all… because I will get to come up north for some weeks this fall, and get to experience a place where the colors change in full glory – it literally WILL be like seeing it brighter than i’ve ever seen it before!!! Thanks for this one. Now i’m all impatient. Hurry up fall!

  • commented on Food, My Old Friend 2015-08-16 07:15:05 -0700
    I felt the same way last year when I started Crossfit… it felt so good to CARE again. About living. About myself. Yes. I cannot imagine going through what you did, and I can completely understand the logic of how you coped with it. Sitting here with my healthy breakfast and my boring water down south and cheering you on in solidarity! To living and giving a shit again!

  • commented on Widowed... without children 2015-08-16 07:11:23 -0700
    I can relate in a lot of ways. I was not even desiring children at all until I met Drew and was going to have a family with him… sharing the experience together. After he died, that desire dwindled completely. Periodically i have panicked about the time running out crap in case I DID ever want to give birth. And even though I actually would prefer to adopt… society sure does a good job of making the ticking clock thing hard to ignore!

    And then enter Mike and his daughter. No she isn’t my baby and no I didn’t get to raise her from those wee little days or see her walk or talk for the first time… but somehow it fits. In a way I can only describe as my soul knowing that this is the way for me.

    Life is full of surprises… and I think you’ve got the best attitude you can possibly have about all this scary, sad, frustrating shit. All we can do is keep our hearts open and have faith that if we are meant to be mothers – in some way, somehow – we will be. Whether by birth, adoption, or even mentoring other people’s children. And I definitely happen to think you are meant to be one. <3

  • commented on A Big Little First 2015-08-16 06:56:21 -0700
    Thank you both Rebecca and Kelley!!! It really helps to have this place to write about it all, and to know others are listening and supporting all of this. It really really helps on days when I totally lose my mind lol! Love you both!

  • commented on Silver Linings Playbook 2015-07-21 18:35:40 -0700
    It turned out so beautiful… Well done. You inspire me more each day.

  • commented on The Distance Between Us 2015-07-14 13:03:24 -0700
    Thanks Stephanie! It’s definitely just the beginning of a whole new chapter of grieving for sure! But, one with a lot of joy mixed in. And new ways of healing.

    Tricia, I can so relate to what you said. Some times it feels like more loss… but it also feels worth it when we’re together. It had to be so hard to have such a short time with your husband once you did move closer together. Makes me think that perhaps he and I will have to find a way to be near each other even sooner – life is short after all. We never know how long we have. Thank you so much.

  • commented on Pinata 2015-07-10 16:48:38 -0700
    I am SO incredibly proud of you. More than I could even express in words. I won’t even try. This was so beautiful. You made ME cry today. This was exquisite and such an accurate portrayal. It took me back through ALL of it. All the pain, all the crawling, all the fighting, all the confusion, all the anger, all the disbelief, all the sadness. I am so grateful to call you my friend. You inspire me more than I could ever say.

  • commented on Everywhere 2015-06-19 11:34:44 -0700
    I truly loved this. It has been such an honor to watch you live through this. Even though I’m in it too, I have marveled at how you have so fearlessly leaped right into the deep end of everything. I know you will say you don’t know any other way – and that’s what makes you so extraordinary. It is just you being you, doing this grief thing the only way you know how… And your way has been so inspiring to watch. You keep me going more than you know. Love you so much!

  • commented on The Knowing 2015-05-29 17:09:31 -0700
    Freakin BEAUTIFUL. I loved this one. Powerful ending. So so proud of how far both of us have come. And so honored to be your friend.

Artist. Writer. Creative Mentor - making meaning from life's challenges through creativity.
Donate Volunteer Membership