Running Away ......


...... or moving forward?

I could use the trite saying, "You be the judge",  but I don't really care to hear any judgements.
Go figure.

I'm back in NY.  The place where, at this point in my life, I love to be.
The place where, at this point in my life, I feel happy.
The place where, at this point in my life, I feel at home.

This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that my family (most of us) has spent here.
This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that we haven't been in our previous home (for one or the other, or both, holidays) ...... since Jim died.
Almost 6 years ago.
Six years ago ...... the week before Christmas.
But who's counting?

(As an aside, I've always found it interesting, and pretty damn amazing, that my body seems to keep count ...... even when my brain doesn't.
I would bet that most non-widowed people would scoff at this thought.  Or think I (we?) was crazy.
But I don't think it's just a thought.  I think it's a fact.
How many times have I (you?) felt "unsettled", or very emotional (more than usual, anyway) and not really known why?  Until it suddenly occurred to me (you?) what date it was. 
And then my (your?) brain caught up with my (your?) body.
Or is it just me?
I know.
That was a very long aside.)

I know there are those of you who don't want to hear/read this, but I think there are more of you who need to:
For the first time in almost 6 years ...... I am not dreading Thanksgiving.
Or its aftermath ...... which has been Christmas.
Or New Years.

I don't think for one moment that these holidays won't end up smacking the air out of me ...... again.
All I know is what I feel right now...... at this point in my life.

I know this has to do with being here, somewhere new.
Somewhere where "we" were not.
At least for the holidays.

And I know, as sure as I know that Jim loved me, that I am not, as some have said, "running away".
I'm not running away from our home.
I'm not running away from the memories.
Like that's even possible?!

I am moving forward.
As I know he would want.
I'm choosing to start the next chapter of my life.
And it doesn't happen to start where the last chapter ended.
For some people ...... it does.
But not for me.
And I'm ok with that.

This is not how I saw my life going.
Seven years ago.
Or even four years ago.
But then ...... life often throws curves, doesn't it?
Curves that no one saw coming.

I'm not running away from this curve.
I'm choosing to follow it ...... in my own way ...... and see where it goes.

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