Linda Poehler

  • commented on This is Getting Old 2019-01-22 18:08:29 -0800
    I feel like I could have written this. It took me 42 years to find my soulmate and I had the best life. The life I deserved finally. My life had been so hard with abuse and illness and financial hardship and I met him and I had my aha moment when I finally knew what all of the hardship was leading up to. Then right before we are to be married…he died. I had the greatest 10 years of my life with him. So full of love and experiences that I never could have imagined. Now its gone and I give up. There is nothing for me now and the worst part is, I dont even want anything anymore. I just survive…but don’t really live. My kids have had such heartache I could never do anything else to hurt them, but I feel like I am already gone. Life is hard all over again and after the last 10 years I know it shouldnt always be this hard or sad. I still love Paul and my memories and that will have to be enough for this lifetime.

  • commented on New Years Eve Blues 2018-12-31 17:26:10 -0800
    I am also in Mass and last year on this night we set our wedding date after having been together for 10 years. It never happened. We were absolute soulmates and we made a big deal out of NY eve that we would have another wonderful year together and talked about all the amazing things we would do in the new year. Now Im alone with all those dreams gone. So I have to figure out a new plan, but I am so stuck in my grief, I cannot even imagine the new year bringing anything except the same pain Ive been in for the last 10 months.

  • commented on Back to the Future 2018-12-15 17:11:41 -0800
    Im 10 months in and the holidays are coming. Every single day since he died I have moments when I say “I can’t get through this” “I can’t live a life without you.” And yet here I am…so I must be able to. Im still at the point where I beg to go back and change things, full well knowing I can’t save him. I just hope some time in the future I have the clarity to look back and see things how they really were.

  • commented on Bizarre Birthday 2018-11-13 04:25:47 -0800
    Nov 10 is my birthday too. I had the same thoughts. Ive had all the birthdays with Paul im ever going to have. And never thought at 53 Id be trying to figure out my life. I thought it was where it was supposed to be.
    Beside the obligatory facebook birthday messages my phone never rang and i had no invites to anywhere. Im assuming everyone else thought each other had me covered because i do have good friends. Im guessing no one wanted to be pushy. So i sat alone reflecting. And while it was a feeling of utter lonliness it was also a relief to not have to pretend to feel any other way than just plain sad. 1st birthday done…moving on.

  • commented on It's Me 2018-11-20 11:15:15 -0800
    Yes, it gets more painful everyday. The missing him consumes me. Its more than lonliness, its pointlessness. Working hard for what we were aspiring for in our future seems pointless. Trying to make plans that he wont participate in seems pointless. Things I used to love, I really loved because they were shared with him. Excruciating is the word. People try to tell you to do what makes you happy. I could be doing the most miserable thing and I was happy because I was with him. I lead a very full life. I travel. I’m a business owner. My kid are great and these are all great things, but now they hold no real meaning. Im glad some people can find joy in their lives, but I lived a whole life before him. (we were only together 10 years) and I never felt that kind of joy until I was together with him. He was most definitely without a doubt my soulmate and my person. I used to sit and think that my whole life was a “lead up” to him. (again, I’m college educated, good family, etc) but I thought he was my reward for living a good life. And now there is no plan or hope for the future. Ill achieve everything I’ve strived for, but it will be just that…stuff. I don’t ever see this changing. I’m not even sure I want it to. I’ve had the other half of me. I still like being his. Its the only thing that feels right.

  • commented on Blind Faith 2018-09-25 18:51:04 -0700
    Exactly how I feel. This is me. I dont look forward to the future because I dont really want one. To others looking in, my life is moving on. I travel. My kids are great. Business is good. In a survivor. But I get to the end of the day and just retreat to a place I really want to be. Alone and missing Paul. And being sad with the memories of all that Ive lost. I feel sometimes that I’m being stubborn. I want what I want…and that is my REAL life back. And if I can’t have that, then I dont want anything else. I suppose someday I’ll have to be something other than Paul’s widow. But for now I just dont want to. And that will have to be OK for a while.

  • commented on It's Not Guilt, It's Sadness 2018-08-18 23:20:52 -0700
    I’m from Boston, but I just drove 1400 miles and am sitting on “our bench” on Daytona beach. A place where we sat many times and talked about “some day when we retire” (we are only 52.) But soon, we would make a life that we worked so hard for and we deserved. Now I’m sitting here alone, literally crying into the wind…crying…please baby tell me how to love live laugh again. I still see the beauty of the world…I’m looking right at it. But I don’t understand how I’m ever supposed to feel anything but this crushing pain. And I know I’m supposed to. He would be angry if I couldn’t find joy again. I just have no idea where to begin.

  • commented on Options 2018-08-07 20:50:01 -0700
    It’s been 6 months and I’m just existing. I’m travelling and going out with friends so people believe I’m OK. I’m not. Not even close. Nothing matters. I’m a very independent business owner and so people say “thank God you’ve got your company to keep you going”. Lol. The point of my company always was a decision Paul and I made to invest in a future of travel and comfort. It was our vehicle to our destiny. Now it’s work. Unless I’m there doing what I know…I’m floundering. Aimlessly. I was widowed 25 years ago at 28 and was alone for the next 15 years until I met my love, my true soulmate. I did not take one moment of our life for granted..the sheer joy of it was magic and I revelled in it. I felt like all the heartache I had endured (young widowhood, single parenting, cancer) over all those years had led up to the happiness that I deserved. Then that was taken too. So it’s terrifying to even think about ever being hopeful again. I simply exist. Maybe someday I will choose life..But right now it’s pretty damn hard to think so.

  • commented on The Forgotten 2018-08-04 23:48:15 -0700
    I am here right now in the same place as you. My “it” is gone and forgotten. But not by me. Not for a second. Life has gone on all around me. But I lay here every single minute of my “life” if you want to call it that now. I don’t sleep. I don’t live. I exist. And I reached out tonight to all of those who would “be there” for me and no response…silence. I’m not suicidal, but I now understand how those who are feel so alone. Because We are led to believe there is a safety net…in theory maybe, but not in reality. I’m pledging tonight to be that safety net for someone, somehow.

  • commented on Where Are They? 2018-08-02 23:08:45 -0700
    Omg this just broke me and comforted me all at once while reading it tonight. I am not half a person without my love, but I am trying to live for the both of us. I want to give up and die every minute of every day, but to do that would mean that I would end the memories of him wherever he dwells and I cannot or would not ever do that. He deserves to live in my memory and so I must take him with me on the journey that will be my life when I start living again one day. I don’t know where he exists, but in my mind he does. So I have to protect myself and him at the same time and live life for the both of us. Paul Twiss I miss you and love you and you would be so proud of how hard I am trying to keep us alive.

  • commented on In Love With...A Dead Man 2018-07-27 01:43:16 -0700
    I also am in love with a dead man. I go about my life and live it, but for the first time in my life I love solitude. Prior to his death I always wanted to be surrounded by people, now I actually enjoy being alone. When I’m alone, I can think of him and share the experience with him. Just me and him and no one to interrupt or distract me from thinking about him. I’m travelling and living life with him inside me now instead of beside me. But one thing is certain is I’m not ready to give him up. I love…loving him.

  • commented on Marry Me. 2018-07-01 17:51:04 -0700
    I too lost the love of my life 3 months before our wedding. I go back and forth between feeling like the luckiest girl in the world for having had him and his love in my life and felling like I got ripped off. We finalized the plans for our wedding and I was on top of the world and we went to bed that night not knowing he would never wake up again. Its been 4 months and I have no idea how to go on, but I know because of his love I have to try to be my best self.

  • commented on Today I'am Ok But Not Everyday 2018-06-03 23:57:23 -0700
    This was amazing and so comforting to read. I pray every night that it will be my last day I will have to feel the pain and sorrow I am constantly feeling. And each morning I wake up to find I have to do it all over again. I’m successful at work and I’m able to fend the agony off for some hours, only to have it hit me at various times and especially when I get home. My family and friends have gone on with their lives in their worlds while my world is hell. My world crumbled 4 months ago after my own battle with cancer, I got the all clear and felt joy and love and peace that I had made it through my trial of life and we felt strong together. We got closer and knew that nothing could break us in life. We were warriors and after 10 years together we set a date to get married and we’re on the top of the world. Then the night we booked our honeymoon and I was about to get my fairy tale, he went to sleep and he was gone. Just like that. And every night I scream for him. We won! We beat cancer. We beat death. Except we didnt. And I’m NOT OK. And this post, for the first time, makes me feel like it’s OK that I’m not OK.