I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
Why did this have to happen?
How do I come to a place where things make more sense?
How do I blend my life today with the life I never finished?
Why do I get to keep living and he doesnt?
How will it ever be okay that he won't experience new things?
Will the missing of him ever get less intense?
How do I stop being terrified about things that havent even happened yet?
Will I ever be at peace with death itself?
If theres one thing about grief that is certain, it is this:
It is repetitive. The thoughts are repetitive.
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
This sucks. Its not fair. He didnt deserve this.
These thoughts and words are like a broken record,
skipping, the needle stuck in place, as the record goes round and round and round.
I grow tired of my own thoughts at times,
and feel as if there is never anything new to say
about this death, or grief, or life after loss.
What the hell else could I possibly say or feel,
that hasnt already been said or felt before?
As it turns out,
quite a lot.
Because for me, these thoughts are repetitive.
For me, someone who has lived with the death of someone I love for almost 8 years,
these thoughts come naturally.
Its just part of it.
But for that 21 or 35 or 46 or 28 year old, who just woke up to a brand new reality they didnt watn or ask for,
none of this is going to make any sense.
So what if we took our repetitive thoughts,
and we used them to help those who have just entered this rhealm,
to make them less afraid.
To help them know that their pain is real, and we see it,
but it wont be this awful forever.
The grief experience was meant to be passed down,
so that those in the midst of it,
might be comforted,
by those who might feel somewhst repetitive by now.
We are not repetitive to them.
For someone sitting in the dark,
lost and alone and filled with terror,
we are Light.
And if someone isnt yet ready to
come into the light,
then we will come to them,
and sit in the darkness,
and at the ready,
to turn on the switch,