I stood completely alone in a crowded room. I do a lot of that these days. I suppose I want to feel something, anything, other than what I was feeling.
Life has a tricky way of deciding when it will allow us to feel a certain way or not.  Some things I feel can be a conscious choice perpetuated into reality.  A small lot, however, rears their ugly heads at times you wouldn’t expect.
Here I was. Drink in hand. Music playing softly in the background and all the space I would need to dance the night away should I choose to.
I don’t know what it was. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of places I used to frequent but at one point I determined I didn’t need to anymore.
I had found somebody. 
Somebody didn’t need a drink to keep me entertained. Somebody didn’t require my medication to keep me focused on them. But somebody wasn’t here anymore.
That’s how I feel.
For something I wish would come, either back to me or anew, but perhaps never will.
To my chagrin, I’ve accepted those outcomes.
Those unacceptable terms thrust upon me much against my will. A contract I never wanted to sign.
Nowadays, it seems I’m working harder than ever before to do everything I possibly feel nothing. Nothing at all.
Because nothing would feel more peaceful than the reality I find myself in.

Showing 4 reactions

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  • Nicole Johanse
    commented 2018-07-29 21:50:02 -0700
    It’s so reassuring to read my feelings on here.
  • Alison L Miller
    commented 2017-11-18 18:04:50 -0800
    I wonder the same for myself, Gabe. Four years and seven months out, and I feel so damn empty. And I’m just tired. Empty and tired. I push my boundaries and comfort zones and I talk to people and do all kinds of stuff…and I feel empty, where Chuck once was, and I don’t know if that will ever change. I get it, totally. I understand. And it eases my mind to know I’m not crazy. Or, if I am, I’m in good company. Nothin’ but Love to you, from another WV writer~
  • Sarah Treanor
    commented 2017-11-13 07:07:08 -0800
    I remember that feeling. It took what felt like an agony of time for it to begin to go away… I think a year maybe before it started to be less frequent. Your words are so honest and real, It reminded me of a very short poem I wrote the year he died…


    I just want to rip apart every synapse in my brain

    Because I am so tired

    Of the constant knowingness that you are gone."

    It was called “I don’t want to know this anymore”.

    Sending love, fellow writer.
  • Gabriel Easter
    published this page in Blog 2017-11-10 22:52:23 -0800