Raise Your Hand~

I thought about reposting my WV blog from 2015 for this week.

Because I pretty much feel the same way, regarding the holidays.

Except worse.

As a 6 1/2 year veteran of this wid life, I kind of hate owning up to how difficult this all is for me still.

I don't want to scare those of you who are just stepping out onto the road.

But I also feel the need to be honest.

I've never yet, in all these years, not spoken/written the truth of how this is for me, and I'm not going to start now.

Yes, what it feels like, generally speaking, has changed.

It's no longer the soul ripping, heart shredding, ungodly pain that it was for the first few years.

Now it's just numb and empty, and I don't know that I count that as progress.

Also, overwhelmingly lonely.

Not in a way that if I start dating and find a guy I'd be fine lonely but in a I'm lonely for a dead man way and there's no way out of it because he ain't coming back.

So.

What I think is also true is that I'm feeling a fine rage bubbling inside of me and I haven't felt this level of rage since we were in hospice, because of family issues that arose, and directly after, also because of family issues.

The fact of the matter is, I left the little condo that Chuck and I had rented (we lived on the road for our last 4 years together) just 3 weeks after he died. And I've lived full time on the road ever since. 

Like most of us, I didn't have time to sit and let it all sink in. I had to get to living and for me that meant driving and workamping and figuring out how to survive on the road.

I've been real about all the emotions, and haven't hidden them from myself or others, but we have to make a living, right?

Now that I'm off the road for a bit while I film my Loveumentary, I've got that down time. Moments to breathe. 

What I'm feeling isn't that hard core grief, per se. 

It's more the feeling that I'm missing Chuck so fucking much that I don't know how I'm still breathing or how I can stay in my body.  It's the feeling that shit, what if I live another 20 or 30 years without him? Even another 10? How can I bear that?

The holidays don't help, of course, though he and I were never big on them when together. 

Knowing that I've lived almost 7 years without him, and the new year will bring me to E.I.G.H.T.? 

I don't know that I can contain that in this body and mind of mine without losing it and going over the edge.

Raise your hand if you're feeling like a lunatic along with me....


Showing 6 reactions

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  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-12-02 18:54:49 -0800
    I’m trying so hard to live my life, to find my life, to find MYSELF again. And it is SO HARD. But the thing is, I know that is what Terry would have wanted. He loved life, loved people, got enjoyment out of just about everything. And he loved ME, and he always took care of me and tried to make me happy. I feel like I dishonor him and the love we had by retreating into solitude and sadness. But I miss him so. And I am very lonely. I have some other widow friends, but I do not want to live out the rest of my years as an invisible old widow woman. I hate feeling invisible. The struggle is real! Thank you for sharing yours.
  • Shell
    commented 2019-11-29 09:58:47 -0800
    Thank you all for sharing. Both hands are raised. Just so damn empty without Jon. He was the better half of us and with him not here beside me, life seems to be just days passing by. Coming up on 7 years in January and I miss him so much. I buck up and show up but my heart is not in most things that I do.
  • indie
    commented 2019-11-28 19:11:55 -0800
    It will be a full seven years for me in January 2020. And you have described the feelings I have had all through the past seven years or at least as long as I have been reading your posts which is at least for four or five years.

    “I kind of hate owning up to how difficult this all is for me still.”

    “It’s no longer the soul ripping, heart shredding, ungodly pain that it was for the first few years. Now it’s just numb and empty, and I don’t…count that as progress. Also, overwhelmingly lonely.”

    “I’m feeling a fine rage”

    “I didn’t have time to sit and let it all sink in. I had to get to living”

    “…it isn’t that hard core grief….It’s more..that I’m missing
    (my husband) so fucking much that I don’t know how I’m still breathing or how I can stay in my body.”

    I cant be sure but I don’t think my emotional state will allow my body to live much longer and I quietly am doubling down on how I can hasten my end through lack of caring. I have times when I can function “normally” but the missing rears its head more than often and I know that will never change nor end.

    Thank you for writing what I am feeling. You really capture the essence of what a soul wrenching love becomes when half of it disappears.
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-28 10:12:32 -0800
    Hi Alison, yep count me in, I truely thought and still think I am slowly losing my mind. Its been 4years 3months for me since I lost Gary, he was my very soul. He had to be because since losing him all i feel is a succession of empty or full of rage or painfully lonely ending with mentally damaged then back to empty again, and so it goes on. We loved Christmas and would fill it with family and friends, now i hate it. I don’t listen to the songs, watch any christmas movies, even adverts annoy me. I sympathise with Vartan I know the uncoupled odd one out feeling, been living it everywhere I go with all my friends since I lost my soul.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-11-27 18:27:05 -0800
    I’ve raised my hand’ you can count me in among the lunatic club , A widow of a year ’ experiencing those emotional ups and downs and confusing thoughts’ consented to his absence and realistic one moment’ and then crying uncontrollably in the disposable diaper isle of the pharmacy’ just because I saw the name brand I used to buy for my husband ‘- due to advanced Parkinson’s bladder dysfunction ‘- or having managed quite well through the birthday gathering of a sister in law’ and after returning home’ realising that I was the only one there without my love partner’ I was the uncoupled one’ the odd widow among them all’ and thus screaming my heart out and crying into the pillow’ ……. Laura’
  • Don Yacona
    commented 2019-11-27 07:04:09 -0800
    I hate this “life”