Planning Hawaii

I’m all finished with school for the summer and heading to Hawaii with David! By the time this posts on Thursday I will already be there actually.  I’m really excited to go. We have a lot of exciting things planned to do. Planning the trip was easy with David because we were interested in the same activities. If he found an idea of something he liked I was always super excited about it and vice versa. As we were planning, we started a shared document to use as an itinerary and for the first time since Mike died I was actually excited to use it.

I think I mentioned in a previous post when I was on vacation with my friend Heather about how I had lost my enthusiasm for trip planning. I had still wanted to go on trips but I didn’t have the motivation, concentration or memory to be able to plan the details of flights, cars, stay, and researching and coordinating things to do. It was frustrating to me because I had always been good at it and enjoyed it. It used to be my thing. Then after Mike died I couldn’t seem to care less even though I tried. And even when I tried I missed important things that could have caused a disaster travelling. I eventually just started to go with the flow of someone else organizing everything but I felt a bit numb doing that.

Planning for Hawaii has been so completely different. I feel like me. I have been on top of researching what I want to do, where, and when and following up with companies about booking.  I have every little detail documented in order with confirmation numbers, times, location etc. I printed all the excursions, car, stay, flight confirmation emails and put them in order. Maybe it’s a little intense but organizing and planning makes me feel good. I had just been in a shift for a while. I don’t want to say my trip planning “is back”or I’m the “old me”  because I don’t believe you ever really go back. Plus, this trip is so different than anything I had previously planned. It is a very active, adventurous trip. It’s full of a lot of things that I probably wouldn’t have done before. I’m not just making lists of possible sites to see; I’m planning, booking and gathering the needed gear for some pretty intense activities.  I think I’ve used my previous organization skills to be my basis for planning for a more rigorous, absolutely-need-it-all-figured-out and be prepared trip. It’s my 2.0 version of planning.

I’ve enjoyed doing it. I’m hoping it will be a good trip. It’s my first trip with David. It’s my first trip with a guy other than Mike. I’d like to think Mike would be proud of me for all the things I plan on trying on this trip. I’d like to think that Mike would  be happy for me: that things are going so well with David and that we’re going on vacation together. I’d even like to think that Mike can “see” and “experience” a little bit of Hawaii through watching over me too. I’m of course not really sure about any of that and maybe it is completely ridiculous. I do hope that though. Believing that Mike approves, is happy for me, and can “see” the world through me makes it easier for me to live my life and do the things I do.

I’m very fortunate to be able to travel and experience the world. I don’t take that for granted for one second. I’m very fortunate that I had the concentration and ability to plan this trip as well. I’ve been fortunate to go on vacations with Mike and now I’m also fortunate to be able to go on a trip with David. Cherishing old memories but looking forward to making new ones too. My Hawaii music playlist is ready and I’m all ready to go!

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  • Olivia Arnold
    commented 2018-08-01 05:59:49 -0700
    I don’t think that’s a fair question. It’s not a comparison. They’re not in competition. They’ve existed to me in 2 different times in my life. I loved what was with Mike but I also love what is with David now. I don’t have to choose. There’s so much that’s different (me and my thinking mainly) and I think I love them differently because of that. Not more or less, just different (apples to oranges). I have more of an awareness that this is not a fairytale and it both scares me (and sometimes makes me panic) and makes me love deeply. I consciously choose this relationship knowing that loving deeply can also mean hurting a lot and I appreciate the love as it is now. My values, interests and way of being have shifted after loss which makes David a good fit for me now whereas Mike was a good fit to me before. I try, as much as possible, to stay in the moment. I have to be where I am. Trying to compare the love of then and now strips the joy of today does not do me any good.
  • Lily Jones
    commented 2018-07-29 21:52:22 -0700
    Do you love David as much as you loved Mike – do you think you ever will?
  • courtney Carolan
    commented 2018-07-05 20:31:00 -0700
    Hawaii is amazing n this article is. Just all urs are though.. so happy for you!