Grief. Love. Magic. A new road. A new life~

Your Death, My Amnesia

You exist in my world in all the ways you existed when you breathed the air that I breathed.

And none of them.

Your image is finally strong again in my mind and heart.

I didn’t remember it for almost 5 years.

I didn’t feel you.

I didn’t see you.

You disappeared from me that night you took your last breath.

The night I took my last breath, in so many ways.

It was as if I had sudden amnesia.

Memories….gone.

You…gone.

What had it felt like to be held by you?

Kissed by you?

To have you hold my hand?

Had you been real those 24 years?

Or were you a figment of my imagination?

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These Shades of Pink

Chuck wants me to tell you he wouldn’t leave you without a road map. He wants you to be aware of the markers he’s left for you, both physical and metaphysical.

Whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. You’re on the right track.

Did you know that you’re surrounded by so many angels that I can’t even count them? You’re protected.

These are just some of the words I’ve heard from people along my Odyssey of Love, who have sought me out, on the roadside, in stores, in meetings. People who don’t know me, who have no idea of my story. 

They have sought me out to bring me messages from Chuck and about my Odyssey.

I’ve also heard from people, earlier on, who said completely different things to me.  I’m 5 years into this widowhood now, and these things were primarily said to me in my 3rd year. Seemingly, there is a limited amount of empathy to be given and after a certain point, one must be…I’m not sure what.

Are you depressed? You might be depressed. Maybe you need medication.

Don’t you want to be happy? It’s a choice, you know. You have to choose to be happy. Don’t you want to feel joy again?

Why do you call yourself a widow? You’re more than that, you know.

So, here’s what I know, 5 years in.

Chuck did leave me a road map. And there have been markers all along the way of my Odyssey of Love.  They have shown up to me as Love. From people I meet along the road, the workamping jobs I’ve found, and the words that he spoke in his years on this earth that I live by; suit up and show up and let the day unfold.

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Just me, trying to figure this shit out, after the firestorm of my beloved husband's death~
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