Normalish

One of my goals is to become more present. I want to learn to live in the moment. I want to exist more consciously again. When Mike died I lost my ability to focus on the here and now. Looking back, maybe I never had this capability; but, when he was alive, at least I did not spend as much time lost in my thoughts. What has become my "new normal", is not normal at all.

I yearn to be ordinary again. I crave the simplicity of the old version of my life. But, again my heart is wishing for something that it can't have. I’m going to have to take what I’ve got and make the very best of it. And, really what I have is not too bad, all things considered.

 

The reality is that Mike died. And, I didn't. I am aware that I can not let my life be controlled by his death. Logically, I know that I must continue to live. I still need to wholly convince my heart of this. Intellectually, I know that he is physically gone from here and there is no point in fantasizing about a life that will never be. I know this. I just need a bit more time to process everything and set things straight in my mind before I move forward.

Before he died, I never realized how present a dead person is to the person who remains alive and is missing them. There are echoes of Mike everywhere. Just yesterday, I was at the store picking up a bottle of his wine and I noticed the label is now stamped 2018. Well, Mike never saw 2018 or 2017 for that matter. He was dead before this wine was even bottled. And, here I am, in 2019, drinking his favorite wine - bottled in a year he didn't exist in. This does not feel normal. This is new, but it is so far from normal that it is weird.

With every sip I take, I can taste change. This is the truth talking, not the wine. I know that it is time for me to leave the comfort of this transitory place. It's time for me to live again. It is time for me to spread my wings.

And, now, I finally understand that it has been necessary for me to come uncomfortable, in order to come forth. All this time, I didn’t realize that it is necessary for me to unravel, so that I can spread my wings and leap towards the life that is waiting for me.  I am going to Europe in a week.  This trip is not about the Instagram photos and the places I will see.  It is more than that.  It is about me LIVING.  Breathing in life again.  Living for me.    Yes, I am taking a trip abroad without Mike. I am living without him.  I am doing it. It is not easy, but I don't have any other option.  I am reengaging in life, even though I wish he was here.  I think that moving towards year three I am starting to accept that his death is permanent.  I am here.  Mike is not.  I have to live my life.  I have to create a life for me.  What else can I do?


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  • Beth Ensign
    commented 2019-07-15 19:48:43 -0700
    Lord, yes. So hard. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a half-life of memories, yet, that would be so easy to do. As a retired, widowed, person, I feel pretty completely redundant. But—I still have energy and I am still here. I am going to Europe soon, too. I’m going WWOOFing on farms in Italy for 2 months. I’m returning to a place that was formative for me in a time before I met my husband. I’m hoping it will help me set my feet on a path forward into a new phase of life, and help me accept the reality that my old life is gone, but my whole life is not. Buon viaggio a noi due, Staci! I hope we both find our feet stepping surely into our own futures.
  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2019-07-15 18:10:15 -0700
    What tough and difficult and uncomfortable experience it is to be on this widow path’ and it’s so true’ that realisation that our dead beloved person is more and more missed each day’ yet also more and more present each day in their invisible form’
    So many – many tiny hidden long term memories of years back ‘suddenly jump into the present out of nowhere ’ making you relive that moment ’ yet reminding that you are now without your beloved ’
    All the best dearest Staci on your adventure of recreating a life without your Mike ’ and reengaging in life and Bon Voyage on your Europe trip’

    Laura’
  • Karen Lawrence
    commented 2019-07-15 18:02:47 -0700
    Oh how I wish I didn’t understand and identify with what you’re saying here. It’s been almost 7 years now and I feel stuck. As an elementary music teacher I have the summer off, but July is the month of our wedding anniversary and he died in August. Summer is when I have the time to do all the projects I can’t get to during the school year, but I find myself kind of paralyzed and unable to find motivation to do anything. It’s so frustrating.
  • Jane Santa Hess
    followed this page 2019-07-15 17:51:00 -0700