One of my goals is to become more present. I want to learn to live in the moment. I want to exist more consciously again. When Mike died I lost my ability to focus on the here and now. Looking back, maybe I never had this capability; but, when he was alive, at least I did not spend as much time lost in my thoughts. What has become my "new normal", is not normal at all.
I yearn to be ordinary again. I crave the simplicity of the old version of my life. But, again my heart is wishing for something that it can't have. I’m going to have to take what I’ve got and make the very best of it. And, really what I have is not too bad, all things considered.
The reality is that Mike died. And, I didn't. I am aware that I can not let my life be controlled by his death. Logically, I know that I must continue to live. I still need to wholly convince my heart of this. Intellectually, I know that he is physically gone from here and there is no point in fantasizing about a life that will never be. I know this. I just need a bit more time to process everything and set things straight in my mind before I move forward.
Before he died, I never realized how present a dead person is to the person who remains alive and is missing them. There are echoes of Mike everywhere. Just yesterday, I was at the store picking up a bottle of his wine and I noticed the label is now stamped 2018. Well, Mike never saw 2018 or 2017 for that matter. He was dead before this wine was even bottled. And, here I am, in 2019, drinking his favorite wine - bottled in a year he didn't exist in. This does not feel normal. This is new, but it is so far from normal that it is weird.
With every sip I take, I can taste change. This is the truth talking, not the wine. I know that it is time for me to leave the comfort of this transitory place. It's time for me to live again. It is time for me to spread my wings.
And, now, I finally understand that it has been necessary for me to come uncomfortable, in order to come forth. All this time, I didn’t realize that it is necessary for me to unravel, so that I can spread my wings and leap towards the life that is waiting for me. I am going to Europe in a week. This trip is not about the Instagram photos and the places I will see. It is more than that. It is about me LIVING. Breathing in life again. Living for me. Yes, I am taking a trip abroad without Mike. I am living without him. I am doing it. It is not easy, but I don't have any other option. I am reengaging in life, even though I wish he was here. I think that moving towards year three I am starting to accept that his death is permanent. I am here. Mike is not. I have to live my life. I have to create a life for me. What else can I do?