Somehow, my computer erased the post I’d been working on this week. I am NOT grateful for that. Grrrrr.
But what I’d planned to say will probably not come as a surprise. It’s Thanksgiving again and it’s just not an easy time for us widowed folk. No matter what else lovely we find in our lives in the strange after-world, it is painful to remember all the happy T-days we spent with our missing loved one; to notice the void at the table.
The buzz surrounding this holiday and the entire season altogether is so hard to avoid. I can’t help but feel the energy of thousands - no, millions - of families gathering together to share the meal, laugh with family, and reconnect. I will be doing my best, but I am just not looking forward to the day. I had a couple of invitations and I am so sorry but it is just not a good time for me to enjoy “traditional” Thanksgiving celebrations. This is the third such day since I lost Mike. It has not gotten easier. Different, yes; I’m not the same frozen, deer-in-the-headlights I was the first year. But holidays still bring up a lot of grief stuff. Maybe they always will.
I will say something about gratitude, because it is important to find that not just on Thanksgiving, but every day. I am grateful for every day of my own life. It’s all just too damn short.
I am grateful I got to be with Mike for 14 Thanksgivings. I am grateful for the dear souls who have stood by me since he left us; who have extended invitations and understood when I’ve gently declined. Who have shared hugs anyway. Who understand there is no replacing him, and yet also support me in this ongoing work to recreate my life around the gaping hole he left behind.
I am indeed grateful for the musician for understanding, as best he can, that I will always miss Mike and feel his loss. For supporting me and being a good companion.
This year the musician and I will spend a quiet day together and maybe just go out for dinner somewhere. I don’t have any other desires for the day other than to get through it. I don’t want to cook; I used to love to cook Thanksgiving dinner and got really good at it while I was married to Mike. Now, the idea of it just makes me tired, and sad.
My specialty has always been pie. Facebook reminded me that three years ago, my last one with Mike, I made an incredible pecan pie. I hadn’t remembered that. Thanks, Facebook, for shaking up the day even more.
I am grateful for all of you out there in our terrible club who have helped me so much on this difficult journey. You have made all the difference. I send hugs to you all on this difficult day.
Maybe, like me, you will just be grateful when the day is over.