Newborn Fears

I caught myself today. I caught myself leaving for work, locking the door and checking the handle – 7 times. I pulled and pushed on the handle to make sure it was definitely locked. Then I pushed on the door itself.  “It’s locked”’ I said to myself. I walked down the hall to the stairs and paused. I felt sick to my stomach. I turned around and went back to check the door again…

I didn’t sleep well last night. My dreams were all over the place, in and out of new scenes mixed into others that seemed hauntingly familiar. People I knew in my life were all gone and all the new people I met were untrustworthy, up to something, lurking in the shadows. I ran around this new world struggling to find an anchor. Then I saw my dog Roan. He was running toward me and was knocked into the street and run over. I woke up screaming and in tears. I felt that everything was out of control and the fear grew stronger.

I lost my security when I lost Tin. I check door locks all day. I’m scared to leave home because something might happen. I’m scared to come home because something might have happened. It may seem irrational to many but the fear is very real for me. Very very real…

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  • Karen Prager
    commented 2018-12-17 04:52:36 -0800
    Dear Bryan, I just lost my beloved Greg and I am especially resonating to your posts. I am grateful to you for how vividly you express yourself, allowing me to find a fellow traveler in you. I am terrified often too. The most scared that my friends will abandon me…
  • April
    commented 2018-11-17 18:50:34 -0800
    Bryan, the exact same thing happened to me. I have experienced all these things too, and every sentence in your last paragraph. It’s amazing how very real the fear is. It is so painful. It is complete terror. It feels irrational, yet it doesn’t feel like it is OF me, so it feels as if I can’t control it. So there it stays. I am so sorry you are going through the same. I just passed the two year mark and I think it’s getting better. If it helps, you’re not alone in this. Thank you for sharing this.