New York State of Mind

"I don't have any reason, dont wanna waste more time

Im in a New York state of mind......." 

 

Ah yes, Billy Joel had it right with that song. 

Its been about 17 months since I left NYC, my second home, to move back to my home state of Massachusetts, finish my book, and see what comes next. I didnt expect to find love here in smalltown Mass, and I didnt expect for that love to provide not only the perfect ending to my book, but a new lease and purpose on life in addition. When I left NYC, in my heart, it was temporary. I kept saying: "I can always come back." But somewhere deep inside, I knew that my soul was being eaten alive by NYC, and my wallet too. So, I have made a lot of visits, and almost every one of them was because I had something professional or career-related going on in the city; a book signing event, a comedy show, this time its a TV taping on the local cable show OPEN TO HOPE. I will be one of a 3-person panel of widowed authors - me , Michelle Miller, and John Polo. We will talk about our books and about grief and loss. It will air at a later time. The evening before the taping, on Friday night, (this will post Friday for you all, but Im writing it Wednesday evening) the three of us will host a fun Karaoke Book-signing party in the city, sort of a "Meet and Greet" with anyone who wants to come out. In between all of that, I will see some friends and have some fun. Back to my NYC people. My NYC vibe. 

I miss it like crazy. The venue where Don and I got married on Long Island. All the places we visited and took daytrips to. The restaurants we frequented over the years. BB Kings jazz club and Birdland and The Bluenote. Checking out live local musicians. Central Park, our favorite place together. Rowing the boats in the Great Lake. My bridal shower at Carmine's. The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree where he proposed marriage to me, in 23 degree weather, one week before Christmas, in front of hundreds of cheering tourists. It's all there, in NYC. Its all part of that life that no longer exists except for when I can sit by that tree this weekend with some hot chocolate and bring it back to life for just a little while. It no longer breathes air unless I give it life. And its my honor to remember. To sit and think and to try and recall and FEEL what it was like, to be loved so completely, by this wonderful man. To feel his friendship again, his soul. All the people I will see this weekend, especially the ones in the widowed community, will help me bring him back to life just by being there and existing. I would not know them if we werent all brought together by loss. Its a profound thing, to know a person specifically because you are both living with the death of someone you love. It's a bond that is born of loss, and grows on love. 

 

Im so excited and also so melancholy and emotional to be visiting these pieces of my life again in NYC. 

And I will miss the great man who is waiting here for me when I return, and I will be just as excited to run directly into his arms. 

There's no place like home. 

Some of us are lucky enough to have two of them. 


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