April

  • commented on Newborn Fears 2018-11-17 18:50:34 -0800
    Bryan, the exact same thing happened to me. I have experienced all these things too, and every sentence in your last paragraph. It’s amazing how very real the fear is. It is so painful. It is complete terror. It feels irrational, yet it doesn’t feel like it is OF me, so it feels as if I can’t control it. So there it stays. I am so sorry you are going through the same. I just passed the two year mark and I think it’s getting better. If it helps, you’re not alone in this. Thank you for sharing this.

  • commented on A New Grief Project 2018-10-02 14:06:08 -0700
    Sarah, it sounds like an amazing idea!

  • commented on Blurred Lines 2018-09-27 18:12:02 -0700
    Olivia, thank you, this post articulates perfectly, where I am at 23 months, and things I haven’t known how to define or describe lately. Just yesterday I wasn’t totally sure if it was grief I have been feeling, I just know I feel sad and wonder if I have depression, never having had that before. But I just know that the source must be grief rooted in this strange life now and in missing my husband. It is just harder to identify as grief, strangely. I feel frustrated that I can’t be more cheerful, especially for people who try so hard to cheer me up. I love them so much for trying but I don’t know how to `make` myself feel better inside. I don’t want to get in the `habit` of feeling down, either. This is all so tricky, isn’t it? Blurred lines, indeed. Thanks again.

  • commented on Long Time no See 2018-09-25 09:50:25 -0700
    Sarah, thank you for this, for letting us know that it takes a long time for this waking up again to happen. Just this morning I was feeling down on myself because I felt like those happier parts of me and my happiness should be back in place by now. Because I have such a big reason in my life to be grateful. But I just want to share it with him. It still feels so weird to not be able to. I feel grateful but still so alone. Thanks for letting us know it takes a long time and it’s not as easy as one would think.

  • commented on A Nightmare and an Awakening 2018-07-22 18:40:05 -0700
    Sarah, This is so beautiful! You have inspired me to also try to living bigger, more fully in the moment. It makes so much sense, that it would quiet the sound of fear! The fear being something I can totally relate to, I think we all can. Sometimes when I am with precious family, all I can hear is the sound of fear, in my head… that these moment won’t last either, just as with our loved ones who died. And I am so focused on losing them, too, it’s all I can think about, instead of living in the present, and being fully present with them. Something I am terrified to do, because it seems like it will just make it hurt more when they go, too. But that is not living, and enjoying my time with them, but it’s been a vicious cycle. This inspiration is great, and I trust that the sounds of being more fully present can and will drown out that fear. Thank you!!!

  • commented on Let it Be 2018-07-04 10:29:12 -0700
    Hi Mike, Wow. That’s all I can say. Just wow. The simplicity of this is so amazing and poignantly delivered. Such a beautiful reminder in a nutshell.

  • commented on Just Like That 2018-06-30 12:12:19 -0700
    Kelley, Congratulations on your book and all your hard work and love poured into it! Thank you for all your writing, and sharing and lighting the path with us. Much love to you.

  • commented on Truth in a Weedwacker 2018-05-31 16:25:35 -0700
    Oh my gosh, Olivia, I love this post, on so many levels! I love that line, “I don’t live in a fairy tale, and I don’t want to pretend that I do”. Like so many of us, I can so relate to living in the fairy tale in the past, and quite honestly, loving it, and being willing to “play all our roles” so happily, in our happy bubbles. But it is like our rose-colored glasses were literally ripped off our eyes. And we were literally forced to realize that the fairy tale is over, and there is no fairy tale. So why would I pretend?
    I also love the way you wanted to preserve the past, by not touching it. And were so aware of what you were so carefully doing, and honoring it. So hauntingly familiar, yet in my shock and numbness, I don’t know that I would have had so much awareness of what I was actually feeling or trying to do. Thank you for articulating that all we want to do sometimes is preserve the past, and remember that they were just here.

  • commented on You Have Been my Best Surprise 2018-05-13 10:10:57 -0700
    Sarah,
    This is beautiful! Your insights into your vulnerabilities have so much depth, and so many beautiful layers. They help all of us on this new widowhood journey to understand our own vulnerabilities and give us strength knowing that pushing through them has many amazing rewards. Thank you!

  • commented on Your Not Here 2018-05-10 10:22:00 -0700
    Kaiti,
    This is beautiful. And captures the feelings so poignantly for us. Thank you.

  • commented on Live Life 2018-04-25 10:18:44 -0700
    Wendy, I am “catching up” reading on these older posts. I don’t know if you will receive this. But thank you so much for YOUR willingness to live an authentically bold life by facing the fear and sharing with us all the feelings behind it! Right now my family is sort of laughing AT me, at my obsessive controllingness with a basement key I won’t let go of, as my late husband’s (wow, never used that term before, can’t say I like it at all) beloved wine collection is in my grandmother’s basement. I can’t stop myself. I just tell myself they don’t get it and never will. Then I start to feel so badly about myself which causes more anxiety. But this post makes me realize that we’re really not crazy, just grief doing its thing.

    Thank you for all your posts! I miss them! Hope you’re doing okay! (P.S. Your post about the photos for a dating site were hilarious. My feelings were the same as yours, but I gave up before the photos. I still think about getting a cat)!

  • commented on Fierce Love 2018-04-23 09:35:06 -0700
    Gabe, Love this. Pretty much sums it all up in a nutshell. Thanks for this.

  • commented on Make Your Past 2018-04-18 10:31:03 -0700
    Mike, thank you so much for this. I really really needed this today. It sums up what I have been needing and wanting to hear for so long, from someone who is ahead of the curve, of me (I am 18 months post-loss of my soulmate-husband). I feel I have been stuck at a crossroads for some time, for a long time. But I love that line where you pretty much say, ‘moving forward (love that, not moving on) is a way of saying we’ve made new memories, without destroying our past, it’s honoring those we’ve lost by not letting their loss ruin the rest of our lives without them’. I think I’ve been sort of frozen, afraid to move at all, period, for what it might do to me, or to the past, or some other scary unknown that I can’t identify. I want to try to be ready to move forward, with new memories, it’s scary though, the emotion of it. But there are lots of people ahead of me, to tell me what it’s like. That it’s OK, it will be OK. That it won’t make our time with our loved ones disappear, or become insignificant, or forgotten, or make it ‘OK’ they’re gone (though I do ultimately want acceptance of it), or any one of many unknowns in my head. Hopefully, I will someday feel it will even honor them in a way, in a certain light, though I have a ways to go with that. Thank you again.

  • rsvped for SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA, CALIFORNIA 2018-04-04 11:50:48 -0700

    SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA, CALIFORNIA

    Join our San Francisco Bay Area Soaring Spirits group if you live in the area or even if you're just visiting!  RSVP here if you'd like more information.

    Note:  Please disregard date noted on this group event placeholder. Individual events will be posted for the specific meeting dates.

    WHEN
    December 31, 2018 at 6pm
    WHERE
    TBD
    San Francisco, CA
    United States
    Google map and directions
    19 rsvps rsvp

  • commented on The Echo 2018-04-04 11:42:10 -0700
    Kelley, this is excellent, so perfectly describing our loss(es). Thank you.

  • commented on My Bubble 2018-03-24 18:36:22 -0700
    Stephanie, I know just how you feel. Thank you for putting words to my feelings, our feelings, so eloquently and perfectly.

  • commented on Having All Your Birthdays in One Day 2018-03-22 10:56:48 -0700
    Staci, Wishing you strength and love today.

  • commented on This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being~ 2018-03-10 12:09:09 -0800
    Oh my gosh, thank you for this post! Sixteen months in now, I feel like the awkwardness and socially ineptness is only getting worse, not better! It’s scary. At least, in the beginning, after my husband passed, I think I had more memory of how to be, and act, and had better memories of who I was, and a stronger sense of self, just because it (I) was all fresher in my mind. As time goes on, I feel like my sense of self has gotten weaker, and it all gets more awkward, and painful. I feel like my self-esteem, not predicated upon being married to the greatest guy that ever lived, and loved like I didn’t know was possible to feel, has plummeted to the depths of not knowing what to be predicated on, anymore. I alternate from being very overly confident in social situations, to painfully insecure, and beating myself up endlessly for decisions and words created without a guidebook on how to be in the world afresh now, and now I question who I am (maybe, just maybe, that’s the point of it all, which is my only light in the tunnel of this darkness). Though I do grow concerned if I am being judged or disliked, as they can’t possibly know the knife of loneliness, and aloneness, we feel, that it’s all based on. I guess our loved ones will just have to keep on loving us through this, and we, ourselves. It’s not easy stuff we tackle.

  • commented on Vacation 2018-03-08 09:12:34 -0800
    Oh my gosh, Olivia, you have written so beautifully about what it is SO like for us, for me since my husband died, the mix of complicated emotions at every moment. Also, my biggest fear is that it will ALWAYS be like this, for the rest of my life. Will happiness always be laced with sadness, missing them, anger they’re not here, hurt at seeing reminders everywhere of what we’ve lost, all mixed in with a beautiful day, or happy or laughing moments? It just makes me want to break down thinking about it. How to make sense out of all of it. But maybe we can all sort it out together. Keep us posted on how you translate it all into a beautiful trip. April

  • commented on Malbec Part 2 2018-03-06 16:00:42 -0800
    Hi Staci, I read this yesterday, and it was so helpful. I’ve had Rumi’s quote up on my fridge for weeks. I just wanted to inhale his words into my soul, so the words would become true for me all the time, but I didn’t know how to feel his words for longer than a few moments. But your post gave me an idea, as I loved those lines, “Mike is so far beyond nothing. He is now everything”. Yesterday, I focused on knowing that he was everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, he was there in that moment. That he is IN the wind, the sun, the trees, the air, the clouds, and in every speck of beauty. He IS the beauty, the wind, the sun, the trees, the sky, the clouds. He, his love, was EVERYWHERE I looked, everything I saw. And it lasted all day. It was such a high, I couldn’t even fall asleep. Sometimes, something like that where I try to change my perspective, is short-lived. But not yesterday. I think it helped to use physical senses to make that bridge to a more spiritual connection… Today, some of the emptiness is back, but not as profoundly. I still have some of the high. I will always keep at it, till it’s “normal”! Anyway, I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps, and say thank you! We are similar, or parallel, in our journeys in some ways, as I saw in your previous post, that my husband passed away only 20 days before yours.