My Grief as a Widow

I struggle to sleep at night. 

I have flashbacks of the horrific images of how my husband’s body was left. 

I miss the love of my life every day. 

It’s hard for me to trust. 

It’s painful to see his things all over the house, but I cannot bear to take them down. 

I miss feeling loved, protected and cared for. 

I miss feeling like I was someone’s everything.

I miss laughing so hard because he was the only one that brought constant intense humor into my life. 

I am tired every single day. 

It saddens me not to hear his voice, feel his touch, or see his kindness. 

I hate not having my husband here to get his opinion on things, especially on hard decisions or when I am scared. 

I miss feeling whole and happy.

I miss holding his hand. 

It pains me to see my daughter play and talk to his picture instead of having him. 

I hurt every day and that will never go away. 


Showing 7 reactions

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  • Loretta Rinderle
    commented 2019-11-21 13:21:10 -0800
    So glad I found this. I have a difficult time finding my way on this site. I am sure easy just need to get hm use to it.
    I had a beautiful marriage and a gifted life. In other words my husband was so good to me.
    I can not say much more because I sob. My children also were are the best. I lived a pretty beautiful life.
    My kids find fault with me now at every opportunity that they can find. We have completely lost what was once.
    My husband passed 6/27/2019. He was ill for three years. We had 49 years together so I should not complain. So many have far less than me and so much tragedy I am thankful and will remember people in pain
  • Mari Posa
    commented 2019-11-19 19:43:43 -0800
    Annie- Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. I am so sorry you lost your husband, especially in your arms. I know we miss them dearly, and forever they will be in our hearts, until we are with them again. I agree with you, this site has also helped me know that I am not alone. Virtual hugs your way!

    Kayla- I am so sorry that your 14 year old son had to see that. I know it feels incredibly raw at 11 weeks, but crying does help to release those emotions. You are not alone in this. I am sending you lots of hugs!

    Julie- I am glad that work can be a healthy distraction for you. Nights are normally pretty hard for me still. In all honesty, I didn’t sleep well for months. But it does get tolerable. Even though it may not seem like it now. Sending you love!

    Mary- Thank you for sharing. Yes, we are part of a sisterhood that we didn’t want to be part of, but beautiful and inspiring to know we can survive this and we are not alone. Send you much love!
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-19 09:30:11 -0800
    Hi Mary its been 4 years for me but i remember that first year, when all the anniversaires of events come around for the first time without your loved. They are so hard to get through so I feel for you. This site has helped me a lot. I have been feeling very alone and in dark but now i think constantly about the rest of this community and hoping you all realise, as i do now, that we are not alone in this.
  • Mary Turek
    commented 2019-11-19 07:01:35 -0800
    Oh women in this sisterhood we never thought we would be in. It is almost a year when my beloved Frank died of a heart attack and I was not with him. This year of firsts is so hard to get through. I miss him every day more and more. My heart breaks for you experiencing this what so many of us have gone through. I think of all of you every day.
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2019-11-16 21:40:09 -0800
    hi mari my husband the love of my life as i was his, died suddenly of a cardiac arrest 5 weeks ago and everything that you write about is how i am feeling at the moment i went back to work ( i am a medical social worker) last week while i am at work i cope but its when i return home to the silence that is the hardest to bear. I still cannot believe that i will never see,feel or talk with him again.
    thank you for putting into words and for making me feel that what i am feeling is ‘normal’
    this is a journey i do not want to be on.

    take care and sending love
  • Kayla Molina
    commented 2019-11-16 14:52:01 -0800
    I can’t even tell you how much I can relate to every single thing you wrote about. My husband was in a horrible accident and his body was also just openly displayed for the public to see..Including our 14 year old son. I crave his touch, his guidance, his overall company and security. It’s been 11 weeks and I’m certain life will never ever get better. I cry everyday. I’m so sad. I can’t even put into words how much this hurts me as well as our three sons.
    Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
  • Annie McDonnell
    commented 2019-11-16 13:03:36 -0800
    Hi Mari I truely feel for you and I understand about the flash backs, I had them too. I do not know how recent this was for you but mine was 4 years ago. The flash backs went on for about 8 months, because my Gary died in my arms, and for a long time I thought it was partly because i wasn’t good enough at CPR to bring him back. There was a lot of other stuff to all to do with losing him, like you said, not being able to hold his hand again, or see his eyes or his smile. When i did go to bed i would be just dozing off and this voice in my head would almost shout at me that I would never hold him again. I thought i was losing my mind. All i can say to you is “hold on” it does quieten down and the flashbacks decrease. Now i only get them very occasionally, usually around the anniversay of his death. Try to stay strong, and take care of yourself.