My Grief as a Widow

I struggle to sleep at night.

I have flashbacks of the horrific images of how my husband’s body was left.

I miss the love of my life every day.

It’s hard for me to trust.

It’s painful to see his things all over the house, but I cannot bear to take them down.

I miss feeling loved, protected and cared for.

I miss feeling like I was someone’s everything.

I miss laughing so hard because he was the only one that brought constant intense humor into my life.

I am tired every single day.

It saddens me not to hear his voice, feel his touch, or see his kindness.

I hate not having my husband here to get his opinion on things, especially on hard decisions or when I am scared.

I miss feeling whole and happy.

I miss holding his hand.

It pains me to see my daughter play and talk to his picture instead of having him.

I hurt every day and that will never go away.

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Loretta Rinderle commented 2019-11-21 13:21:10 -0800
So glad I found this. I have a difficult time finding my way on this site. I am sure easy just need to get hm use to it.
I had a beautiful marriage and a gifted life. In other words my husband was so good to me.
I can not say much more because I sob. My children also were are the best. I lived a pretty beautiful life.
My kids find fault with me now at every opportunity that they can find. We have completely lost what was once.
My husband passed 6/27/2019. He was ill for three years. We had 49 years together so I should not complain. So many have far less than me and so much tragedy I am thankful and will remember people in pain
Mari Posa commented 2019-11-19 19:43:43 -0800
Annie- Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. I am so sorry you lost your husband, especially in your arms. I know we miss them dearly, and forever they will be in our hearts, until we are with them again. I agree with you, this site has also helped me know that I am not alone. Virtual hugs your way!

Kayla- I am so sorry that your 14 year old son had to see that. I know it feels incredibly raw at 11 weeks, but crying does help to release those emotions. You are not alone in this. I am sending you lots of hugs!

Julie- I am glad that work can be a healthy distraction for you. Nights are normally pretty hard for me still. In all honesty, I didn’t sleep well for months. But it does get tolerable. Even though it may not seem like it now. Sending you love!

Mary- Thank you for sharing. Yes, we are part of a sisterhood that we didn’t want to be part of, but beautiful and inspiring to know we can survive this and we are not alone. Send you much love!
Annie McDonnell commented 2019-11-19 09:30:11 -0800
Hi Mary its been 4 years for me but i remember that first year, when all the anniversaires of events come around for the first time without your loved. They are so hard to get through so I feel for you. This site has helped me a lot. I have been feeling very alone and in dark but now i think constantly about the rest of this community and hoping you all realise, as i do now, that we are not alone in this.
Mary Turek commented 2019-11-19 07:01:35 -0800
Oh women in this sisterhood we never thought we would be in. It is almost a year when my beloved Frank died of a heart attack and I was not with him. This year of firsts is so hard to get through. I miss him every day more and more. My heart breaks for you experiencing this what so many of us have gone through. I think of all of you every day.
julie roadknight commented 2019-11-16 21:40:09 -0800
hi mari my husband the love of my life as i was his, died suddenly of a cardiac arrest 5 weeks ago and everything that you write about is how i am feeling at the moment i went back to work ( i am a medical social worker) last week while i am at work i cope but its when i return home to the silence that is the hardest to bear. I still cannot believe that i will never see,feel or talk with him again.
thank you for putting into words and for making me feel that what i am feeling is ‘normal’
this is a journey i do not want to be on.

take care and sending love
julie
Kayla Molina commented 2019-11-16 14:52:01 -0800
I can’t even tell you how much I can relate to every single thing you wrote about. My husband was in a horrible accident and his body was also just openly displayed for the public to see..Including our 14 year old son. I crave his touch, his guidance, his overall company and security. It’s been 11 weeks and I’m certain life will never ever get better. I cry everyday. I’m so sad. I can’t even put into words how much this hurts me as well as our three sons.
Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
Annie McDonnell commented 2019-11-16 13:03:36 -0800
Hi Mari I truely feel for you and I understand about the flash backs, I had them too. I do not know how recent this was for you but mine was 4 years ago. The flash backs went on for about 8 months, because my Gary died in my arms, and for a long time I thought it was partly because i wasn’t good enough at CPR to bring him back. There was a lot of other stuff to all to do with losing him, like you said, not being able to hold his hand again, or see his eyes or his smile. When i did go to bed i would be just dozing off and this voice in my head would almost shout at me that I would never hold him again. I thought i was losing my mind. All i can say to you is “hold on” it does quieten down and the flashbacks decrease. Now i only get them very occasionally, usually around the anniversay of his death. Try to stay strong, and take care of yourself.