My Time in a Bottle~

This is the eve of what the world celebrates as New Year's.

But, since Time has ceased to hold any meaning for me since Chuck's death, I've taken it upon myself to designate my New Year as beginning on April 21; the anniversary of Chuck's death.

That's the time when I reflect on whatever needs reflecting upon. It's when I do a self-check, and it's a time that is meaningful to me.

I realize, more and more, that Time is merely a social construct. It's necessary, in our culture, to keep our worlds moving, I suppose, but for those of us left behind, it's a mish mash of how can it be so long? and oh my god it's been forever! There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of in between.

Recently I also made the decision to stop counting the years since Chuck's death. Not because it doesn't matter; it very much does. But my heart can't manage it. I started sorting it all out and it will soon be 7 years and...nope. Not doing 7 years. In my mind, and what I will forever tell people henceforth, it has been 6.5 years. Period.

Additionally, since I'm stopping counting the years since his death, I will no longer age. I'm 61 now, and that's the age I'll stay. I'm already one year older than Chuck was when he died. Enough already.

Yes, yes, of course there are those who might say, behind their hands, that I've gone nuts. Crackers. Over the edge. Look at the crazy widow! they'll whisper.

Behold the field of fucks I don't give.

I stopped caring about other's opinions of me a looooong time ago. In fact, the first thing I'd tell anyone new to this community is to install a hinge on their elbow so that it automatically shoots up when someone offers an opinion/comment/suggestion about the right way to widow, and your fingers automatically flip them a bird. 

You can, of course, in order to appease such people, stare at your elbow/hand in shocked surprise that this happened. Act horrified if you wish. You've made your point with them.

In some ways I relish the prospect of being known as the crazy widow lady. Kind of a cool rep, in my mind.

I will, of course, be the crazy widow lady dressed all in pink and what's that all about? they'll ask, not really wanting to know the answer.

That's okay, too.

I'm going to just be over here, driving my pink car, towing my pink trailer with the names of all these loved ones on it, shooting sparkle and glitter at everyone. Giving hugs. Getting hugs. 

The crazy widow lady in pink.

Cool beans~


Showing 1 reaction

Please check your e-mail for a link to activate your account.
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2020-01-04 22:22:17 -0800
    to the ‘crazy widow lady in pink’ good on you loved your post . my husband died suddenly 11 weeks ago sometimes i wish i could do what you are doing however i think its a bit too soon maybe down the track a bit . roger and i ‘were 3rd time lucky’ and i know that i will never meet anyone like him again and i am 73 also ! life is so hard without him i miss him dreadfully. i do have my work as a hospital social worker which is a ‘distraction’ hate my days off . good luck ,best wishes and keep safe sending you hugs .
    Julie (Australia)