Do I have to say how much I miss you? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, you must know this, because I say it all the time. Speaking into the ether, perhaps into a void, not knowing if it is received on your end, but always imagining it is, hoping it is.
I see signs from you. At least that is how I choose to interpret the birds that swoop over my path in certain moments, the grasshopper on my door or in my house that appears just when my heart is clenched from a painful memory of what I have lost. That particular song that comes on the radio at that exact right time, and the shooting star that streaks across the heavens at the exact moment I look up into the night sky, thinking of you.
Other people keep following you into that unknown place after life in this world. It will keep happening, I know, but it is never easy. The only thing that helps is knowing - imagining, anyway - that you are there to welcome them. One day, you will welcome me, and that gives me great comfort. That is what I choose to believe.
Your beloved dog grows older by the day. I wonder how much time she has left. I wonder that she remembers you and all the other beloved furry family members that have passed before her whom she also loved. I think she knows you still love her. Please take her easily and painlessly to where you are when her time comes.
Your daughters are so beautiful and successful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for them, and their families. I had no idea, when I married you, how important they would become in my life. They are your legacy, and we all carry you with us wherever we go. I know you would be so proud of them and what they have accomplished, even without their daddy there to guide them anymore. You taught us all so well while you were here, and thank you for that.
Can you believe it’s been over 18 years since we met and married? What a heady time that was. I am so grateful for the time we had together. Thank you for Hawaii and the beautiful life I’ve had here. Thank you for the wonderful friends and support system you left behind, even if it took me awhile to discover it all.
Please continue to watch over us and keep us healthy and safe. Please put a word in with the Big Guy too. Did you know I’m working on a new career helping people? It’s all because of you, so I’m sure you know. It feels big and scary, but also exciting. I pray that the dots will continue to connect in that synchronistic way to lead me to fulfillment and success. I do it all in memory of you, and in memory of the joyful way you led your own life, and how many people you helped while you were here.
I wish you were here to support me in the big move that looms over me. Where to go, what to do, how to do it. I wish you were here just to sit with me on our lanai one last time, laughing and dancing as we used to do, talking about anything, and everything. I wish I could tell you I love you one last time and see your face light up the way it would.
The missing you will never end. I know that now. I understand grief now, though I wish I didn’t. I will carry it with me until we meet again. But I am stronger now, and more determined to live the life I have left. I don’t know if that comes from within me, or because I knew you. But there it is, and sometimes it surprises me. What I’m not surprised about anymore though are those moments of deep sadness that come upon me still, and always will, in this way of being that prevents us from seeing beyond.
I hope you are flying high where you are and shaking up the heavens the way you shook up this world while you were here. God speed, my love. You will always and forever be my love.
Your beloved wife,