Missing Him on 40

I’m on the road again.

I left Arizona, headed to Arkansas, a few days ago. Or maybe it was a week ago, now. I’m kind of tired after driving some long ass days.

Tune up on my car. New tires, brakes on my rig, PinkMagic, fixed.

Our daughter was road tripping to Arkansas with me, to see the opera camp where I work for the summer. It’s my second year back there, as the groundskeeper.

We were planning a fairly easy trip, stopping to visit family in Denver, taking our time.

Well, as they say…

The best laid plans of mice and men…

We were only 200 miles out when we heard a loud pop from the rear of my trailer, followed by smoke billowing out, and brake fluid trailing behind us.

Fortunately, I’d just pulled off the highway, so that we could drive the main drag of Winslow. You know….

Standin’ on the corner and all that.

Again, fortunately, I have roadside assistance and called them and they sent a tow out to us.  He quickly diagnosed major problems and I followed his tow truck, very slowly and carefully, to his garage.

Where he removed the drums and discovered that all rubber parts had melted and all metal parts had turned to dust. They dissolved to the ground as soon as the drums came off.

Not good.

But better than what could have been, which was a fire from the massively overheated brakes, which could have easily burned my rig into nothingness, and taken the car too, I suppose, since it’s all so small.

Scary shit.

We ended up camping out at the garage for 3 days and 2 nights while they sent for parts and worked on the brakes.

High Chaparral Garage in Winslow, AZ; the best people EVER.  They went above and far beyond what was necessary to keep us safe while there and take us back on the road.

Hooked us up to electricity so we could sleep comfortably. Put a large mat outside so we didn’t track grease inside PinkMagic.

Worked diligently on the brakes. We were right on the famed Rt 66, so people stopped in to say hi and take a tour or the inside of my rig.

Gave us great tips for exploring the area while we were stranded.

We’d go downtown to the corner and drink chai while watching the world go by.

Before leaving, even though it was late at night and we were all tired, the wonderful guys at High Chaparral tightened up the spare, power washed my car and trailer, signed the back of it with loving words, gave us hugs, told us to keep in touch…and away we went.

During our stay at the garage, I met 2 other widows who were 5 years out, as I am now. We spoke of the ravages of cancer and how it changes lives.

Because I was stationary, albeit unexpectedly, I had the opportunity to speak on the phone to a radio host with a program called Bringing Love to Life, about my Odyssey, and my marriage to Chuck.

Because we were stuck, so to speak, for the time we were, timing was set into place that brought us to a rest stop further on where we met a young couple, themselves stranded, trying to get to Montana to see the young man’s dad before his dad died of liver cancer.  Remembering that desperate feeling, we were able to buy them a tank of gas, some groceries, and give some cash to help them on their way.

It’s the kind of thing that Chuck would have done, and all I asked in return was for them to remember the name Chuck D.

Our continued travels took us from Arizona to New Mexico to Texas to Oklahoma and then into Arkansas, and every mile along the way was filled with memories of my and Chuck’s travels, what seems so many years ago now.

How is it possible that it is 5 years since his death?

Next month I’ll have been on the road alone, as a widow, longer than he and I were, together.

That thought messes with my mind.

He is everywhere along Rt 40, through the middle of our country. He is at every roadside rest stop, at the picnic tables where we’d stop to eat lunch. He’s at the national monuments and parks, where we’d visit to learn local history. He’s in the wildflowers growing in the median strip and in the flat lands of west Texas with the huge sky overhead.

He is everywhere, in memory and in my heart.

I missed him for the entirety of 40.

I miss him on that road and every other road that I drive.

And I also know, more than ever, after the experience in Winslow, that his legacy is strong and vibrant and that our Love story is as strong as it ever was, and that I am doing just exactly perfectly heart wide open what it is that I am destined to do…

Live this Odyssey of Love. For him. For me. For all my widow brothers and sisters and their ones. Live it for all those I meet along the way, for all those whose path I cross or who cross my path.

Just, quite simply, live the Love that he left behind for me.

Fiercely. Strongly. Powerfully. Confidently.


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  • Carol
    commented 2018-05-10 11:28:34 -0700
    Live the love that he left behind for me! I am pondering that. All at once counting what Russ left behind for me. He was so concerned that I would not have enough to live on. Having him is what I had always lived on!!
  • indie
    commented 2018-05-09 19:52:43 -0700
    You are so much stronger than I am at five years out……..