Tired.  Exhausted.  Done in.  Over it.  Finito.

That pretty much describes me where I am right now. 

Not because of the grief, necessarily, though I guess it springs from the place inside of me where grief lives.

Mostly it has to do with all the ugliness of the world at large, both domestically and globally, and all of that makes me miss my husband more than ever.

All of that when I already am tired from all the grief, you know?

I don’t even watch the news; I knew long ago that the intensity of bad shit every day was no good for me when I’m already not feeling it. 

But even if I don’t watch it, I know about it through headlines or hearing people talk, or seeing a newsfeed on face book (that harbinger of joy and yuck, both). 

Politics, ISIS, shootings, the RNC, the DNC, people screaming at each other, screaming at me, it seems sometimes.

That person who was next to me, that person who listened to me sound things out for myself, that person who would let me vent by doing what I called my “R and R” (ranting and raving)…that person who would help me reason my way through shit, who gave me feedback, who could talk me into another world, that person…Chuck…he’s gone and I don’t know where to turn now.  And that void looms large on most days, and the loneliness that comes with it, looms even larger.

I do realize, of course, that I have no power over any of the world stuff in a big way that counts world-wide.  All I can do is love the person next to me and be as kind as possible to those I meet each day.

But the world at large seems to be falling apart on a daily basis in a way that I’ve never seen before and I feel more threatened as I go about my daily living than I ever have before.

Someone asked me the other day if I was afraid to live as I do, solo on the road, driving all over the country.  Especially now.

I could be afraid, I guess.  And it isn’t that I think the world is filled with lollipops and tulips and fun shit.  I’m fully aware that bad people are everywhere and evil is a fact of life.  But what does it get me to be afraid?  What can I do about most anything that might happen to me out there?  Being afraid takes energy and doesn’t keep things from happening.

So, I strive to be as situationally aware as I can be.  I look around me, I watch people (but not suspiciously).  If I’m ever in a situation where I feel the heebie-jeebies, I remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible (though that feeling has never yet come over me). 

But fear will get me nowhere except more exhausted and overwhelmed than I already am.

But don’t you just miss miss miss and miss more, your special someone, more than ever, when the world around you is collapsing with ugliness and it’s hard to find your feet anymore to even know where you’re standing?

I know I do~

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  • Judy Kaan
    commented 2016-07-31 08:42:14 -0700
    Allison – th�ank you for writing this what I feel deep inside of me. The deep missing of Justin – waking up in the morning and turning over (yes sometimes I’m thinking he is beside me but know in reality he is not). Maybe I was dreaming and didn’t remember the dream – but then you wake up to that reality. I know that Justin is spiritually by my side and watching over me. But missing his physical presence so much lately. Maybe because in 7 weeks it will be 5 years that he left this earth. You are an incredible writer – and really touch my heart.
  • M Scott
    commented 2016-07-28 05:03:56 -0700
    You said exactly what I’m feeling. I lost my husband on May 24th suddenly and unexpectedly. I have lost my life line, my one security in my life that was always there and had been for 30 years. The one person, I shared everything with, the good and the bad and the ugly. The world is a frightening place now without him here. We were together always, never apart, so I always felt insulated from the rest of the world, we had our own world. Now I feel like I’ve been kicked out of the house and I’m not sure what to do. I am thankful for our 4 dogs and 1 cat, they at least make sure I never feel truly alone. God, I never knew you could physically miss a person so much.
  • Susan Sanford
    commented 2016-07-27 09:55:39 -0700
    Oh Alison, yes I do.
    My husband (John) was the guy sent in to make sure all was safe. He worked construction for years and was the “CAL-OSHA” guy unofficially. Walked through with a clipboard and looked for safety hazards and what needed to be secured. He went to the hardware store to buy “fisheye” little round mirrors to attach to our cars side mirrors so you could see the blind spots. He put these on our kid’s cars, my sister’s and Mom’s. He hooked up L brackets to bookshelves so they would be stable in an earthquake and would bump them with his shoulder to verify (and show you for emphasis) that you were safe. He walked on the outside of me on the sidewalk for protection.
    He had lost all his family at a young age, saved EVERYTHING they had touched (thanks, Babe!) that I still need to clear out, and knew life was fragile, but lived it daringly, still.
    So, in scary times, I don’t have his 6’3" Dutch-Viking beside me for protection, or his eyes locking with mine and his arms around me, but I DO constantly feel his words in my head as I go about my day and take precautions of safety and then, damn, just step out there anyway.