Mari Posa

I am a blessed woman with many shadows of darkness. I have met the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I have experienced motherhood and have triumphed in my career. I have built everlasting bonds, with people I love and respect. I consider myself blessed. With all those blessings, there are also shadows of darkness. I watched my father die as he held my hand and took his last breath. I lost many hopes and dreams as I buried the love of my life at the age of 31, just four months after burying my father. I left a stable and secure career for something much more significant, but then lost it all. I have seen immense beauty and extreme darkness in this life. I am a woman whose world was shattered into a million pieces, in what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Through love, learning, and therapy, I continue to move forward in this life with grief right beside me. I continue to honor those who have left this earth with pieces of my heart. I take one day at a time.


Unbalanced or Balanced

Lately, I’ve been getting this urge to try to find balance in my life. What is the balance? Some people would say, it is to have a job, a family, stability, and security. All those things sound great, but life throws at us unexpected unimaginable things, and somehow someway we can still manage them. So by managing the unimaginable, does that mean we are balanced?

I feel my perspective on life has changed. I don’t see time the same way, relationships the same way, or even tangible items. I know I haven’t fully punched in my bad card, meaning I know more bad things can happen to me. And they have. I am not being pessimistic, but realistic. Just because a few bad things happen to you, doesn’t mean you are done with the bad in life.

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The Roller Coaster of Grief

Grief is like a roller-coaster, sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down. There is no actual manual on how to navigate all this. There are resources to help you with it, but everyone deals with things differently.

I feel like this roller-coaster of grief is tricky. I feel like I have made great progress in moving forward with my grief, but I still feel stuck. Before my husband passed away, I always knew what I wanted. I had a good career, I married the man of my dreams, I was blessed with a child, and things seem to be in order in my life. Everything I strived for, I got through hard work and dedication. Then my life blew up, and I just don’t know what direction to take. 

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  • commented on Be Thankful. Or Don't. Be Wherever You Are. 2019-11-22 20:14:37 -0800
    I really enjoyed your post Kelley. I hear the comment a lot of “you need to be grateful for what you have and had.” Which is true to an extent, but that doesn’t take away the pain of not having my husband here. So I am grateful and sad at the same time.

  • commented on Surviving This 2019-11-21 12:54:29 -0800
    Thank you for your post Marty. I went to the link you sent me, and I can relate. Sometimes living minute by minute, hour by hour seems more tolerable than living day by day. Thank you again for sharing.

  • commented on I Love You Like I Love Mike 2019-11-20 22:22:20 -0800
    Emma, I admire your bravery to love again. And I am deeply sorry for your loses. I am glad that #2 can put a smile on your face.

  • commented on My Grief as a Widow 2019-11-19 19:43:43 -0800
    Annie- Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. I am so sorry you lost your husband, especially in your arms. I know we miss them dearly, and forever they will be in our hearts, until we are with them again. I agree with you, this site has also helped me know that I am not alone. Virtual hugs your way!

    Kayla- I am so sorry that your 14 year old son had to see that. I know it feels incredibly raw at 11 weeks, but crying does help to release those emotions. You are not alone in this. I am sending you lots of hugs!

    Julie- I am glad that work can be a healthy distraction for you. Nights are normally pretty hard for me still. In all honesty, I didn’t sleep well for months. But it does get tolerable. Even though it may not seem like it now. Sending you love!

    Mary- Thank you for sharing. Yes, we are part of a sisterhood that we didn’t want to be part of, but beautiful and inspiring to know we can survive this and we are not alone. Send you much love!

  • commented on First Year as a Widow 2019-11-04 18:44:17 -0800
    Thank you all for your comments. It’s hard being a widow or widower, but somehow we get the strength to go through another day. Blessings to all.

  • commented on Shattered Hearts Still Beat 2019-11-02 00:05:53 -0700
    100% True!

  • commented on I'll Suffer for You 2019-10-25 23:42:00 -0700
    Amen Don!

  • commented on Approaching a Year 2019-10-17 14:10:35 -0700
    Thank you Kathy and Don for your comments. The pain that we go through as widows and widowers is very unique. Only those who have walked the path can truly relate. Each relationship is different from each other, but we all feel that same emptiness in our hearts. But through it all we are still here. And for that, I praise all of the widows and widowers out there for surviving this unimaginable loss. We are strong beyond measure.

  • commented on A Letter To You 2019-10-15 00:19:20 -0700
    Thank you Robin. He was a wonderful man.

  • commented on Phases of Widow 2019-10-13 23:06:24 -0700
    Great post Kelley! Your story inspires me as I am barely one year in! Thank you for being so candid.

  • commented on Family Vacation 2019-10-10 20:40:05 -0700
    Thank you GrinNj. Even looks can hurt sometimes. The good thing is that my daughter had a wonderful time. Sending you much love!

  • commented on Birthdays 2019-09-30 00:00:41 -0700
    Happy B-lated Birthday Kelley! Your post was beautifully written.

  • commented on A Scary Reality 2019-11-05 19:30:50 -0800
    Thank you Daniel.

  • commented on A Piece of You 2019-09-25 22:58:53 -0700
    Thank you Kathy.

  • commented on Fan Girl of Love 2019-09-25 22:51:43 -0700
    I admire your courage to love again Staci. Do what feels right for you. If we decide to love or not love again, it’s our own personal choice.

  • commented on Doing It All 2019-09-09 23:41:28 -0700
    Caroline, thank you for your post. Your husband would tell you “you’ll figure it out”. Mine used to tell me, “just follow your heart”. They are missed in every way, but we are stronger each day that we make it without them. As hard as it is. We are doing it!

    Lynne, most people don’t have the slightest clue how hard this path really is. They won’t know until they wear the shoes that we are traveling in.

    Justme- I miss my partner in crime, my teammate and my best friend every day. It’s hard not to have their companionship any longer. But we are lucky enough to have known great love, that some never get to experience.

  • commented on Something New 2019-09-01 22:51:15 -0700
    Congratulations to you and Mike for your engagement. I admire the bravery that you both exhibit in opening your hearts to love again. Best wishes to you both! Looking forward to reading your posts.

  • commented on 10 Months Ago 2019-09-01 22:46:05 -0700
    Thank you for your comments Cathy and Youn. These memories will be with us for the rest of our lives. Thank you for sharing with me parts of your vivid memories. Your comments help me feel less alone with what I’m going through.

  • commented on The Weight of a Living Legacy 2019-08-26 20:12:32 -0700
    Bryan, that is such a wonderful opportunity. I love how you expressed that when you speak of Tin, you are bringing him back into this world. I feel the exact way when I speak about my husband. I truly believe that Tin is looking out for you, and is the force behind opening those wonderful opportunities for you.

  • commented on The Sacred Now~ 2019-08-24 08:14:51 -0700
    Alison, I really enjoyed your post. It is so raw. I am so glad you are creating a documentary for your husband. I can’t wait to see it! If you need anything please reach out. I am in AZ.