Mari Posa

I am a blessed woman with many shadows of darkness. I have met the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I have experienced motherhood and have triumphed in my career. I have built everlasting bonds, with people I love and respect. I consider myself blessed. With all those blessings, there are also shadows of darkness. I watched my father die as he held my hand and took his last breath. I lost many hopes and dreams as I buried the love of my life at the age of 31, just four months after burying my father. I left a stable and secure career for something much more significant, but then lost it all. I have seen immense beauty and extreme darkness in this life. I am a woman whose world was shattered into a million pieces, in what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Through love, learning, and therapy, I continue to move forward in this life with grief right beside me. I continue to honor those who have left this earth with pieces of my heart. I take one day at a time.

You Need to Move On

I was recently told that I need to move on from my husband’s death. As I heard that statement, I thought to myself, what a bold thing to say, especially coming from someone who has never experienced losing the love of their life. Grief is unique to everyone, and NO ONE can tell you how to grieve and what to do. Losing a brother, a son, or even a friend is different than losing your soulmate and the love of your life. Death is different for everyone, and the relationships are different. I am not saying that one loss is greater than the other; they are just different.

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Hard Day

Today was a hard day. It was filled with anger, sadness, desperation, and tears. I am angry at the fact that my husband is no longer here. I am mad that my daughter doesn’t get to grow up with her father, and that my husband doesn’t get to experience his daughter grow up. I am mad and disappointed at everything and everyone that was involved with this accident. I have the right to be angry. I wake up next to an empty space, instead of my husband’s embrace. I see my daughter give nosy kisses and try to feed chips to a picture of her father because he is not in the flesh. As a woman, my heart is broken. And as a mother, my broken heart aches with agony as I feel for my daughter. I feel a sense of desperation that I can’t bring my husband back and give her his arms, his love, his kisses, his all. It’s such a debilitating feeling. A debilitating feeling that those who lose the love of their life genuinely know. 

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  • commented on The Sacred Now~ 2019-08-24 08:14:51 -0700
    Alison, I really enjoyed your post. It is so raw. I am so glad you are creating a documentary for your husband. I can’t wait to see it! If you need anything please reach out. I am in AZ.

  • commented on You Need to Move On 2019-08-24 08:05:45 -0700
    Thank you for your comments.

    Don you made me laugh with your comment. Unfortunately, that is the reality of things. Some people aren’t aware of how much a comment like that hurt us. But the reality of it is, that everyone dies and one day they will be in these tough shoes. Death is inevitable.

  • commented on A Reset of the Mindset 2019-08-20 22:45:00 -0700

    I am really happy to hear that good things are happening for you. I hope to feel a similar way one day.

  • commented on The Thief of Joy 2019-08-20 22:39:59 -0700
    I’m sorry your husband is not here to celebrate your two year wedding anniversary. When my husband passed away, we were just shy a month of celebrating our three year wedding anniversary. So as hard as that was, I bought dinner for one, took a candle to his grave site, and I had dinner with him and my daughter. Even though it was painful, having dinner there with him helped me get through that day. I believe special days are harder on us. So I still try to incorporate my husband somehow on those special/harder days. Sending you lots of love!

  • commented on Hard Day 2019-08-16 21:00:43 -0700
    Thank you all for your comments. It’s been a couple of rough days. Seeing all of your comments makes me feel less alone. And you are right Vartan, no one truly knows what we go through unless they go through it themselves. We are living each day the unimaginable, and for that, we are stronger even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

    Youn, thank you for sharing your thoughts as a mother who has to watch her kids grow up without their father. It breaks my heart to see my little girl having to interact with just pictures of her father. But that motivates me even more, to be the best mother I can be.

  • commented on 1000 2019-08-14 22:24:11 -0700
    Well said Staci. I felt your emotions throughout this post, and I can definitely relate. Well here is some praise for you. You are an inspiring, and strong woman. I know the feeling of living minute by minute, hour by hour. And you surviving 1000 days without your husband is a great accomplishment. I am sure at one point you couldn’t even fathom that thought. Thank you for sharing. I know Mike is proud of you.

  • commented on Whispers~ 2019-08-14 20:26:16 -0700
    Alison, your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel the same way as you do. This is incredibly hard to go through.

  • commented on Grateful to Laugh 2019-08-10 23:49:57 -0700
    Kelley & Kathie, I am happy to read you both are finding happiness with another person. Laughter is great for the soul.

  • commented on Some Thing Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and I’m Blue 2019-08-10 23:44:57 -0700
    I am proud that you stood strong and danced for joy at the reception. That’s not an easy thing to do, but you did it! #strongmoment

  • commented on Beauty and Darkness 2019-08-10 23:28:43 -0700
    Thank you Zen & Cynthia.

    Cynthia, I am so sorry for your losses. I am sending you lots of hugs! Please feel free to reach out! Sounds like we have a lot in common. I hope your mom and your fur baby are doing okay.

  • commented on A Change of Heart 2019-08-07 20:56:27 -0700
    Thank you for your post. You wrote in your post “As widowed people, we make something incredibly hard look easy”. So many people have told me I don’t know how you do it. I tell them, you don’t know how strong you are until you have to be.

  • commented on Semiversary 2019-08-06 21:14:56 -0700
    To August 6th! As you and your wife chose to celebrate each other on this day.

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    December 31, 2019 at 6pm
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