Mari Posa

I am a blessed woman with many shadows of darkness. I have met the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I have experienced motherhood and have triumphed in my career. I have built everlasting bonds, with people I love and respect. I consider myself blessed. With all those blessings, there are also shadows of darkness. I watched my father die as he held my hand and took his last breath. I lost many hopes and dreams as I buried the love of my life at the age of 31, just four months after burying my father. I left a stable and secure career for something much more significant, but then lost it all. I have seen immense beauty and extreme darkness in this life. I am a woman whose world was shattered into a million pieces, in what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Through love, learning, and therapy, I continue to move forward in this life with grief right beside me. I continue to honor those who have left this earth with pieces of my heart. I take one day at a time.

Approaching a Year

These past few weeks have been incredibly hard for me. I’ve been reliving what happened last year. It’s not that I welcome these thoughts, it’s that my brain keeps bringing them up. I remember the last lunch that we had as a family, just the day before my husband’s accident. I remember my daughter and I went to go have lunch with at his work. It bothered me that day that he didn’t like the color of my lipstick and made a joke out of it. Which seems so ridiculous now. It was a beautiful day though. We sat together in the courtyard and we had Asian cuisine. He held our baby girl and fed her, as we shared our last lunch. We joked and talked about our plans for that weekend. Life seemed so beautiful. 

That evening, when we all got home, he made me our last dinner together. He made me shrimp with a quinoa salad. It was delicious! He read a book to our baby girl and put her down for the very last time. After our daughter was down for the night, we went outside to our backyard and enjoyed a nice glass of wine. That night he told me that he wished I could step into his shoes to know how much he loved me. He had said that in a serious manner, which was normally not my husband. Those words had so much depth and sincerity, and little did I know I would never hear those words again. 

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Family Vacation

I recently came back from taking my daughter to Disneyland. It was a bitter and sweet vacation. It was the first time we vacationed without my husband. It was very hard to not have his physical presence with us. I decided to take my daughter to Disneyland because that is something my husband and I had talked about. I am aware now, that you can’t wait years to complete something in life. Some people may have the time, but others don’t. Therefore I try to live in the now.

I shed many tears while I packed, struggled at the airport with a toddler, stroller, and luggage, and dealt with the rental car company. Oh, and yes, I had to carry all the luggage up a flight of stairs just to put the cherry on top. It didn’t feel like a vacation for me. I have the bruises and the soreness to prove it.

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  • commented on Approaching a Year 2019-10-17 14:10:35 -0700
    Thank you Kathy and Don for your comments. The pain that we go through as widows and widowers is very unique. Only those who have walked the path can truly relate. Each relationship is different from each other, but we all feel that same emptiness in our hearts. But through it all we are still here. And for that, I praise all of the widows and widowers out there for surviving this unimaginable loss. We are strong beyond measure.

  • commented on A Letter To You 2019-10-15 00:19:20 -0700
    Thank you Robin. He was a wonderful man.

  • commented on Phases of Widow 2019-10-13 23:06:24 -0700
    Great post Kelley! Your story inspires me as I am barely one year in! Thank you for being so candid.

  • commented on Family Vacation 2019-10-10 20:40:05 -0700
    Thank you GrinNj. Even looks can hurt sometimes. The good thing is that my daughter had a wonderful time. Sending you much love!

  • commented on Birthdays 2019-09-30 00:00:41 -0700
    Happy B-lated Birthday Kelley! Your post was beautifully written.

  • commented on A Scary Reality 2019-10-13 23:25:14 -0700
    Thank you Youn Lee!

  • commented on A Piece of You 2019-09-25 22:58:53 -0700
    Thank you Kathy.

  • commented on Fan Girl of Love 2019-09-25 22:51:43 -0700
    I admire your courage to love again Staci. Do what feels right for you. If we decide to love or not love again, it’s our own personal choice.

  • commented on Doing It All 2019-09-09 23:41:28 -0700
    Caroline, thank you for your post. Your husband would tell you “you’ll figure it out”. Mine used to tell me, “just follow your heart”. They are missed in every way, but we are stronger each day that we make it without them. As hard as it is. We are doing it!

    Lynne, most people don’t have the slightest clue how hard this path really is. They won’t know until they wear the shoes that we are traveling in.

    Justme- I miss my partner in crime, my teammate and my best friend every day. It’s hard not to have their companionship any longer. But we are lucky enough to have known great love, that some never get to experience.

  • commented on Something New 2019-09-01 22:51:15 -0700
    Congratulations to you and Mike for your engagement. I admire the bravery that you both exhibit in opening your hearts to love again. Best wishes to you both! Looking forward to reading your posts.

  • commented on 10 Months Ago 2019-09-01 22:46:05 -0700
    Thank you for your comments Cathy and Youn. These memories will be with us for the rest of our lives. Thank you for sharing with me parts of your vivid memories. Your comments help me feel less alone with what I’m going through.

  • commented on The Weight of a Living Legacy 2019-08-26 20:12:32 -0700
    Bryan, that is such a wonderful opportunity. I love how you expressed that when you speak of Tin, you are bringing him back into this world. I feel the exact way when I speak about my husband. I truly believe that Tin is looking out for you, and is the force behind opening those wonderful opportunities for you.

  • commented on The Sacred Now~ 2019-08-24 08:14:51 -0700
    Alison, I really enjoyed your post. It is so raw. I am so glad you are creating a documentary for your husband. I can’t wait to see it! If you need anything please reach out. I am in AZ.

  • commented on You Need to Move On 2019-09-01 22:38:37 -0700
    Thank you Vartan and Kim for your comments.

    Vartan you are absolutely right. The way you described what the gentleman in the movie said about a soulmate, is true. That’s exactly how I feel. I personally can’t and don’t want to see myself with anyone else but my husband. Until I see him again. And I’m sorry that a family member said that dementia comment to you. You do you and take the time you need. No one is traveling in your shoes, but you.

  • commented on A Reset of the Mindset 2019-08-20 22:45:00 -0700

    I am really happy to hear that good things are happening for you. I hope to feel a similar way one day.

  • commented on The Thief of Joy 2019-08-20 22:39:59 -0700
    I’m sorry your husband is not here to celebrate your two year wedding anniversary. When my husband passed away, we were just shy a month of celebrating our three year wedding anniversary. So as hard as that was, I bought dinner for one, took a candle to his grave site, and I had dinner with him and my daughter. Even though it was painful, having dinner there with him helped me get through that day. I believe special days are harder on us. So I still try to incorporate my husband somehow on those special/harder days. Sending you lots of love!

  • commented on Hard Day 2019-08-28 10:13:33 -0700
    Robynn, I am so sorry for your loss. I feel for you and your children. The loss of my husband was also sudden and very tragic. I have had the same fears as you do. It’s good to cry and let it out. I’m 10 months into this new life, and I can tell you that it’s still very hard, but manageable. I’ve had days were I didn’t even want to wake up, but I knew my little girl needed me. So that was my force and reason to get up. And she still is and forever will be. I can tell you, I’ve done so many things to try to help myself move forward with this new life. From reading countless books, to therapy, to meditation, and more. I’m sure sometimes you feel like your living minute by minute, hour by hour, and it’s normal to feel that way. But know that somehow someway you and your children will make it through this, as impossible as it may feel sometimes. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk.

  • commented on 1000 2019-08-14 22:24:11 -0700
    Well said Staci. I felt your emotions throughout this post, and I can definitely relate. Well here is some praise for you. You are an inspiring, and strong woman. I know the feeling of living minute by minute, hour by hour. And you surviving 1000 days without your husband is a great accomplishment. I am sure at one point you couldn’t even fathom that thought. Thank you for sharing. I know Mike is proud of you.

  • commented on Whispers~ 2019-08-14 20:26:16 -0700
    Alison, your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel the same way as you do. This is incredibly hard to go through.

  • commented on Grateful to Laugh 2019-08-10 23:49:57 -0700
    Kelley & Kathie, I am happy to read you both are finding happiness with another person. Laughter is great for the soul.