Marinating

There is a space in my heart where that life that I knew now sits. 

It started somewhere around six or seven years after the loss. 

That is when the grief began to move from "always active", 

to more of a "quiet state", where it just sort of sits and hangs out, 

and then every now and then, 

something happens to awaken it, 

and Im brought back to that place of early grief. 

The terror, the shaking, the loud crying. 

That place where you can barely catch your breath. 

It returns now and again,

as I imagine it always will. 

But most of the time these days, 

after eight and a half years, 

the grief and the pain are sort of sitting. 

Thats the best way to describe how I feel most of the time

these days - 

like the knowing of losing everything I knew, and the person I was supposed to spend my life with, 

its always there, 

sitting and slowly bubbling. 

It needs to be stirred now and then, 

needs some attention,

as it marinates inside my heart. 

Everything I do,

from today and forward,

whether sad or joyful - 

that life and that knowing,

is a piece of it. 

It is a part of me,

like something that I carry around, 

and feel deeply,

and in a private way. 

It adds both pain, 

and excitement. 

Pain because that person 

is no longer here,

and I will miss them,

forever. 

Excitement 

because I now know the secret

to living a beautiful life,

is to collect all of the Love,

and marinate in it, 

forever. 

Dont ever let go. 

And if anyone tells you different, 

or tries to take away any of that love  - 

you just tell them, 

that you have earned it, 

and you will hold onto it,

Always. 


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  • Vartan Agnerian
    commented 2020-01-05 18:28:45 -0800
    Widowed a year’ Quite tough weeks for me Kelley’ in this sentimental Christmas and New Year days’ so many reminders of my husband jumping from everywhere’ songs’ movies’ gourmet food dormant memories awakening of romantic days gone by’ and the title you chose says it all’ MARINATING ’ so appropriate indeed’ That’s what I’m doing’ in my little corner "marinating " in my widowhood’ in my alonenees’ sunk in my long ago couple memories ’ seeing video clips on Facebook of others festively sharing their couple and family celebrations of dancing and singing’ which is their right absolutely ’ let them enjoy the moment while they can’ making me feel sentimental and nostalgic’ that once upon a time i was them’ but no more’ . . . . Laura’
  • julie roadknight
    commented 2020-01-04 22:55:58 -0800
    kelly your beautiful and eloquent words give this newly widowed person (11 weeks) hope that what is happening to me now what i can only describe as terrible raw grief will change as time passes .I will love roger forever and ever. thank you again
    julie (australia)