Malbec Part 2

Like a good vintage wine, last weeks blog, Malbec, requires a second harvest.  Over the last seven days, I have changed my mind about a few things and, now, I am offering up another tasting - this tasting is paired with hindsight. 

 

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A week ago, I shared my ritual of holding out my hands, searching and reaching for him.  In my own words I said, "it is awkward because I do not know where to place my fingers.  I clumsily grasp at the air around me.  Then, I just drop my hands to my side because there is nothing for me to hold.  Where he should be, now there is nothing.  So, I stand and ask myself again and again, how could someone so big and bold be gone?  How can Mike be gone - into nothing?  How can he no longer exist?  I don't have the answers to these big questions. (But, I'm working on it...)"

When I wrote this, I had no way of knowing if I would ever know the answers to these big questions.  I thought maybe it would take me a lifetime to figure out.  I thought Grief would hold me captive for a long, long time before I came to any conclusions.  But, by writing my questions down, I think I sub-consciously set the intention to discover the answers.   At this point, I still have more questions than answers, but I did come to a pretty big realization. One thing I know is that I was wrong...

 

 

 

 

When I implied that Mike has disappeared into "nothing" I was misguided.  I was searching for him with my eyes instead of my heart and Soul.   And, now, looking back, I stand corrected.  

 

What I mistakenly thought was nothing, is in fact the exact opposite.

Maybe it's not nothing at all.  Maybe it is everything.

Mike is so far beyond nothing, he is now everything.

 

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Mike was love; and he continues to be LOVE. 

Love is eternal.  Love is not 'nothing'.  Love is everything.  

 

Mike has not disappeared just because I can not see him.  "The pot of boiling water"  analogy I used last week is flawed.  Yes, "the bubbles pop; and, then, disappear.  The bubbles turn into nothing",  but Mike has not vanished like the bubbles.  He is not gone just because my eyes can not see him.  It is true, that when I reach for him, my fingers grasp at only the air around me.  But, Mike is still here.  In a crazy way, he is more present than he was in life.  Now, he is more 'here' than ever.  And, I mean this completely. 

Changing how I think about his death has changed my outlook on life without him.  Now, I try to consider his death as a beginning of sorts, not simply an ending.  Yes, parts of this new beginning are terrible because it is without choice that I am beginning my life anew.  I find it ironic that death itself has created my re-birth.  Mike died, and I am here - born again.  Because of his death, I know life differently now.  I am changed. Forever altered.  And, recently, I have realized how much he showed me about living -  by dying.

Now, I see only air around me.  I feel only a breeze against me.  And, yes, in honesty, I still want his hands on me instead of the wind vaguely brushing up against me.  And, yes, I continue to feel the emptiness in the room.  I am only human and I crave him physically.  But, in  my heart I know that he is still present in my life.  In my Soul, I know that he is here loving me in every way.  Last week I said that " he is everywhere, and nowhere all at once", and in a lot of ways this is correct.  Mike has become so much 'nothing', that he has actually become bigger than he was in life.  Now, the man that I love is the air that I breathe.  He is everything and anything I want him to be.  He is love.  And, Love is all we need.

 

With Love (literally),

 

Staci

 

 

 

 


Showing 6 reactions

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  • commented 2018-03-15 12:15:50 -0700
    Thanks for your comment Robert. Yes, I completely agree that they are now “everything and everywhere”…
  • commented 2018-03-09 09:12:50 -0800
    Very similar sentiment……now Janet is everything, and everywhere….all the time…….❤️
  • commented 2018-03-06 17:11:13 -0800
    April,
    Thank you for taking the time to let me know that what I wrote made a difference for you. I am so glad that my words helped comfort you. Each week I set the intention of helping someone through my blog. As a writer it a privilege to share my thoughts and ideas with you and I am so deeply grateful that something I wrote had a profound impact on you.

    Like you, I also particularly loved the line, “Mike is so far beyond nothing. He is now everything”. I admit that what I wrote here had a huge impact on me too. Like you it changed the way I carry my grief. Just tweaking how I think has affected my ability to live with my grief with a tiny bit more grace. And, I mean it completely, he is so far beyond nothing… now, he is everything. And, he is love.
    And, LOVE is absolutely all we need.

    “With” Love ,
    Staci
  • commented 2018-03-06 17:01:07 -0800
    Bev,
    Thank you for your insightful comments. I love writing for the community of people here at Soaring Spirits International because I learn so much from you the readers. Also, I appreciate your words because they validate what I have been feeling and thinking. I am so glad that you shared that you feel I am “so right in saying that our loved ones are more here than gone. So many reminders, memories and moments. In a way it comforts you and helps you with the loss.” I absolutely love what you wrote about it feeling " like a love game and it leaves you wondering when the the next clue will show or come. " What a beautiful way of thinking. A love game! Wow, that is inspiring and comforting. Thank you!
  • commented 2018-03-06 16:00:42 -0800
    Hi Staci, I read this yesterday, and it was so helpful. I’ve had Rumi’s quote up on my fridge for weeks. I just wanted to inhale his words into my soul, so the words would become true for me all the time, but I didn’t know how to feel his words for longer than a few moments. But your post gave me an idea, as I loved those lines, “Mike is so far beyond nothing. He is now everything”. Yesterday, I focused on knowing that he was everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, he was there in that moment. That he is IN the wind, the sun, the trees, the air, the clouds, and in every speck of beauty. He IS the beauty, the wind, the sun, the trees, the sky, the clouds. He, his love, was EVERYWHERE I looked, everything I saw. And it lasted all day. It was such a high, I couldn’t even fall asleep. Sometimes, something like that where I try to change my perspective, is short-lived. But not yesterday. I think it helped to use physical senses to make that bridge to a more spiritual connection… Today, some of the emptiness is back, but not as profoundly. I still have some of the high. I will always keep at it, till it’s “normal”! Anyway, I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps, and say thank you! We are similar, or parallel, in our journeys in some ways, as I saw in your previous post, that my husband passed away only 20 days before yours.
  • commented 2018-03-05 08:46:15 -0800
    Could not have expressed it better than that Staci. When a small gentle gust of wind came up and brushed me I would think it was “him” touching me letting me know I was loved and missed. You are so right in saying that our loved ones are more here than gone. So many reminders, memories and moments. In a way it comforts you and helps you with the loss. It feels like a love game and it leaves you wondering when the the next clue will show or come. My husband used to smoke Cigarillos and I would find one of those rum dipped plastic tips in the oddest places as if we were playing hide and seek. That always made me chuckle, feel warm inside, missed and loved all at the same time and I felt special and comforted with the time we had together. In a way it was a game of coping as if he knew it helped and knew me so well.