Magical Music

I am a new guest writer here on Soaring Spirits. I do realise that it’s a site for Widowed people. I am widowed. My husband Mike died of pancreatic cancer on 8th April 2017. He was 53.

It feels like a life time ago.

It feels like yesterday.

It feels unreal.

In addition, I have lost an amazing and one and only best platonic male friend, Don (11 September 2015) to colon cancer; a beautiful younger brother, Edward (10 January 2016) to glioblastoma; and a gorgeously beautiful, clever, funny, artistic, creative, talented youngest child, Julia (30 June 2019. Yes, 2019) to suicide.

All in the past four years. Devastation on top of wreckage after bomb blast after tsunami.

Julia took her life after deciding, 2 years and 2 ½ months after her dad’s death, that life without him was not worth living. 

That was the night of 30 June/1 July this year. It’s recent. Very recent.

Yesterday. Today. And every tomorrow.

Forgive me if the deaths and losses of my daughter, brother and friend, in addition to that of Mike, my husband, somehow mish mash and merge into my widowing story.

Because this widow’s story is amplified with pre- and after-shocks.

Late this afternoon, Sunday 29th September, a dear friend of my “middle child” (now “youngest child”), sent me three songs that she and my daughter Megan had written, sung and performed together in their last weeks of their last year at school. 

One of the songs, “Pa”, I had heard a version of previously, recorded on mobile phones. But the young women were allowed access at their school to pretty damned good recording equipment and this is the outcome.

Disappear.

Pa.

Palpitations.

 

Pa is about Megan’s love for her dad. Mike. She was 9 days away from her 16th birthday when he died. She is now 18 and has started university. It’s about how much she misses him. It’s about how much she misses him more with each passing day. It’s about how she wishes he could see who she is becoming. It’s about missing witnessing the beautiful proud smile on his cheek as he watched her bloom.

It’s heart-rending.

Listen to it.

She also inserted an audio recording of some goofing around we did at Kidderminster train station in the UK during the summer of 2012. We were heading to London to see the play Matilda. The girls, Megan & Julia were trying to crash through the wall at Platform 9 ¾. Without success.  Mike wandered over and played Dobby. Our son Ben, now 20, looked on with patient amusement. And I – behind the camera – sound harried and hurried.  A caption, a recording, footage of a life, LIVES cut way too short. 

 

Here’s the song

https://soundcloud.com/user-412728496-289040358 

And the video clip

https://www.dropbox.com/s/h4d3bfr7a425rh5/Platform%209%203%3A4.MOV?dl=0

 

And the lyrics, below, complete with chords 

You have way too much of my life in this blog post. 

 

Pa

 

G Em C D

Time has passed since you have gone

And now we’re living on our own

Our melody still standing strong

With one voice you’re coming home to me

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see the person I’ve become to be

And now I wish I could see

The smile you’d have upon your cheeks

 

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

G Em C D

I’m older now I understand we live we die it comes hand in hand

Your spirit carries on along while guiding us we follow on

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see the person I’ve become to be

And now I wish I could see the smile you’d have upon your cheeks

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

G Em C D

Years go on I’m still the same

I miss you more every single day

There isn’t anyone to blame

And life goes on and that’s okay to me

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see the person I’ve become to be

And now I wish I could see the smile you’d have upon your cheeks

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 

 

G F#/D Am G

G F#/D Em

C Bm C D Em

G F#/D G

 

G Em C D

I wish you could see I’m growing up beyond your dreams

And now I wish I could see how we could have turned out to be

G Am B Em/B

But dad you know I feel so alone

C D

And I’m falling and tumbling and don’t know where to go

Em D C

And pa I just want you to come home

 


Showing 3 reactions

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  • Cathy
    commented 2019-10-03 09:07:41 -0700
    Emma, your daughter is so talented, and for her to have this outlet must be healing for her as well as you. I am so sorry for your losses, I so understand the tsunami of loss, having had 7 loved ones depart in as many years, my husband being the first. Each loss takes you back to all the others, and yes, they do merge with one another….how could they not.
    Thank you for sharing, know that you are not alone.
  • Gr inNJ
    commented 2019-10-03 06:34:55 -0700
    That song is both beautiful and haunting. Good for Megan that she is able to express herself so well, and share it with others.
    As a wise widow told me when I was new on this widowed journey, Be gentle with yourself.
  • Bonnie Rozean
    commented 2019-10-01 21:02:40 -0700
    Thank you so much for this lovely post. My deepest condolences for your losses. May you find some solace here. Sincerely, Bonnie (widowed 6 months)