Life speed bumps

little_things.jpgIsn't weird how it's always the little things that set you off. Turn you into a crying blob. I remember being very set on leaving every single thing exactly as it was when Joey was here. Nothing was going to change. We were going to preserve life just as we know it.

But overtime we realize that this just isn't a reality. Living completely in the past will only drive you insane. In order to heal and grow you must allow change in your life, you must allow yourself to evolve just as you would if he were here. 

So over time I have changed some photos. I finally took the majority of his clothes out of the closet. Mostly to make more room for mine and also to make the kids quilts. But every time I have changed something like this I always have this terrible feeling of guilt. Like I'm leaving him behind. It's a battle of living in the past and living in the now.

I cleaned out a kitchen junk cabinet and came across his diabetes kits and lost it. I sat on my corner and cried and sobbed clinging to these little things.

On Friday I had to get my tags renewed. His name was still on the title. So in order to renew them they made me take his name off. It just some how tears that wound back open. And so I sat at the DMV crying as she did it. Her look was not of compassion but of confusion. It's just one more thing he is no longer apart of. 

I'm trying my hardest to finding a balance of keeping his memory alive but allowing myself to move forward. To keeping his name a daily word and not being stuck in a world that does not exist anymore. It's just another uphill climb of this mountain of a journey.

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  • Stephanie Vendrell
    commented 2017-01-25 06:30:06 -0800
    I remember crying at the DMV too…I also cried at the bank dealing with his name on accounts there. I remember the people looking at me with confusion as well, but, apparently there are quite a few of us who react like this. Hugs to you Michelle.
  • Karla Koths
    commented 2017-01-23 13:51:32 -0800
    Thank you Michelle. I’m having the same problem of feeling guilty when I give away something that belonged to my husband. It’s so hard to know what to keep and I feel guilty when I decide to get rid of something of his. This is so very hard. He just died in Sept. so it’s all pretty new for me. I appreciate the Soaring Spirit blog posts. They definitely help.