A year ago, if someone told me that my life would fall into place again I would have hoped what they were telling me was right. The problem is that hope does not provide a sense of contentment because hope can only take you so far. It is just a starting point. There is a big difference between hoping and knowing. Now, finally, inside my heart, I know, without a doubt, that I will be okay. In truth, I know that I will be better than okay. And, let me be completely realistic, this peace of mind has been well earned. I have spent the better part of the last twenty months working hard to come to this place. The sense of peace I am feeling hasn't come easy, but it is well deserved.
I have come to believe that everything in my life is going according to plan. A plan that is much bigger than me or Mike. I do not know exactly what the plan is; but, I know that I am being lead in the right direction. Recently, my mindset has become different and I am better for the change. I am more content since I've acknowledged that the plan itself is none of my business. Sure, it's my life and I am obviously interested in the outcome; but, I mean it, what happens to me is really not for me to worry about. I am much more at peace now that I have loosened the reigns; and, I am confident that my future is in better hands than mine.
Since I have removed myself from the responsibility of leading me in the right direction, I no longer feel that it is necessary to plan every little detail about my life. I am so grateful that I am no longer endlessly strategizing and envisioning elaborate scenarios in my mind. Existing with this mindset was completely exhausting and unnecessary. It's ironic, now, I do less; and, this has made all the difference.
I now concede that whatever will be, will be - in spite of what I do, or do not do. It seems so simple, but for the longest time this concept was beyond me. After Mike died I thought I had to "fix" my life and my broken self. Now, I understand that my life is going to be exactly as it is intended to be and the best thing I can do is move aside and let things unfold. I know this might sounds lofty, or naive, or over simplistic. I assure you, I am just sharing what I've come to know. I really believe that by relinquishing the control I was desperately clinging to I am now heading in the right direction, in spite of myself.
In the past, when I was trying to steer my life, I was holding the wheel so tight that I wasn't enjoying the drive. I was missing the point. Now, I have stopped trying to control my destiny. I am no longer interfering in the direction of my life because I have faith that I am being lead towards the future I am intended to live.
Currently, I am focused on creating la bella vita. I want to live the good life again. And, now, after twenty months of absorbing my grief, I am prepared to love this new life of mine, even though it is not the life I imagined. It is not easy to accept that the future you envisioned will never come to be, but it is what I need to do in order to be happy again.
Fortunately, I have a good idea how to recreate la bella vita because I lived it once before. I intimately understand how to live life well because I was in love with a man who taught me about living. Mike loved life fiercely and I am a better woman because I shared part of my life with him. He showed me that passion for life can be found in the small things that happen in an ordinary day to ordinary people. My intense love of life has always been engrained in my Soul. It was there when Mike was alive; and, it remains with me now that he is gone. Mike modeled his spirited love of life, adventure and spontaneity to me daily. And, the way I am choosing to live my new life has Mike's signature written all over it - this is how he lives on through me.
Even though he is absent physically, Mike still works to give me everything I need. In some ways, he is more present in my life now than when he was alive. His love is around me. I feel it. And, I am certain that he is leading me to exactly where I need to be. He is leading me back to la bella vita.
With gratitude for the life I had and excitement about the life I am creating,