Knowing the Unknown and Beyond~

I stare into the distance of everything and nothing many times during a day’s measure,

And, as I stare, I see everything and I see nothing

I feel everything so much that I feel nothing.

Pain and grief have morphed into emptiness

Which is funny and humorous except not

Because my life is incredibly full

With family, with new friends and old

Driving new roads and old roads, literally.

Continual adventures

In all directions.

How can a life so full feel so empty?

How can it feel so heavy?

Why is it so exhausting?

How do I change it from that to something different and not as heavy or empty?

Is this just part of the package of the death of a beloved?

Just as we can’t know something until we know it…

So, too, we can’t unknow something that we know into the marrow of our bones.

I guess. I suppose. I don’t know.

I would give all that I am to unknow what I most regretfully now know and will never not know…


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  • Sharon Wall
    commented 2017-12-21 10:47:30 -0800
    Wow! Does this post ever resonate!!
    “How can a life so full feel so empty?” When I think of what I’ve done in the 3 1/2 years since Brian died, I can hardly believe it. I’ve accomplished some great and exciting stuff! I’ve read great books. I’ve met cool people – and some not so cool people. I’m more settled and content now than at any time since before he got sick. And yet, life feels empty. I wonder too if that’s just part of the package.
  • Susan Glover
    commented 2017-12-20 21:11:54 -0800
    My seven month anniversary of being a widow will be on the 23rd. Don’t really want anything to do with Christmas, but my son and his friends decided to “surprise” me by decorating the yard and putting up the tree while I went to stay with an out of town friend for a few days. I am having a hard time trying to focus on anything. My house is a mess and I really don’t care. I take care of my elderly mother, who seems to have forgotten her grief when my dad died. She just doesn’t understand me being like this and thinks I should be okay. I will never be okay again.