Kelley Lynn

When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.

Different Camp, Different Me

*Normally I write on Fridays, and although this post will appear here on Friday, I am writing it Wednesday evening, and setting it to publish Friday. This way I dont have to worry about finding a computer to post the blog while at the Marriott and busy with other things. 



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I Hate ....

I hate my anxiety.

I hate that my husband died,

while I was asleep,

at home,

and he had just left for work.

I hate that a ringing phone,

in the early morning hours,

will forever make me panicky,

and give me that feeling,

of knives sitting in my throat.


I hate that he just disappeared,

from my life.

He wasn't sick.

He wasn't ever sick.

And then,


just like that,

he was gone.


I hate that I was sleeping,

while my husband was collapsing,

on a floor,

inside a store,


Totally alone.


I have gone through the necessary therapy,

processing through these emotions,

feeling them,

letting them shift to somewhere different,

and it has helped,



I will always, always

feel a sense of helplessness,

and panic,

and unbelievable terror,

when its morning-time,

and I haven't heard from my love.

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  • commented on The Champ 2016-05-12 17:22:59 -0700
    Gosh DIANE Im soooo sorry, you can vent here anytime you want to, you are never alone, we are here , even though we are far away. Im sorry the outside world doesnt get it, they probably never truly will. But we do. Youre going to be okay – eventually. It takes a long time and its very hard, but just keep breathing ….

  • commented on A Letter from Before, and Beyond 2016-05-05 13:06:09 -0700
    Wow wow wow!!!! I think you will know when its time to show her the letter. I think it will be a time when she is going through something, a milestone of growing up , or having her heart broken or being disappointed somehow with something – and in that moment, she will be missing her mom and missing knowing what her mom might have said to her right then. And then you will have that letter. What a beautiful thing.

  • commented on Prince Died Today. And I Can't Tell You. 2016-04-29 17:44:08 -0700
    Thank you Jill!!!

  • commented on Growing Me Up 2016-04-18 07:03:00 -0700
    ………. and now the comment below mine has me crying even more. DIANE , Im the Friday writer here at Widows voice, and wow!!!! Your story about your dad , AND your son, is absolutely beautiful. You probably wont even see my comment but just in case – you rock!!!!

  • commented on Dreams Coming True 2016-04-16 07:54:36 -0700
    Im soooo proud of you. This is HUGE and so much work, but the kind of work that makes you filled with happiness and purpose. You rock!!!!

  • commented on Passion from Pain 2016-04-10 07:48:04 -0700
    I love you. That is all I can get out right now, but just know that.

  • commented on Back to Start 2016-04-09 18:32:12 -0700
    You are all so amazing. Thank you. No energy to write much else right now, except thank you. Long day of being “strong” and out in public pretending all is okay, so now its time to go cry some more …. thank you for being here. I love you all.

  • commented on Journey of Self-discovery 2016-04-05 17:36:15 -0700
    Yeah. She really would be. Beautiful story.

  • commented on The Landscape of Love after Love 2016-04-03 06:25:54 -0700
    Yeah. I soooo get this. But give yourself some credit, dear friend. You are doing so much better with adjusting and with love after love, than you think you are. Look at how MUCH adjusting you have had to do. More than most people. And not for nothing, but you just moved your ENTIRE LIFE from Texas to Ohio, not to mention “instant 9 year old” in your life. That is enough to throw anyone into a tailspin of constant emotions, and look at you. You are doing such a beautiful job of stepping into THIS life, the one you have today. Yes, you have many mixed emotions about it, but like you said, thats no reflection on you or Mike , its just love after love. And, man, is it ever complicated. But so worth it to find someone to share life with again. By the way, this picture of you and the landscape itself iis gorgeous. Love you to pieces, and always love my Sunday morning “coffee and read Sarahs blog” routine. xo.

  • commented on The Home That Doesn't Quite Fit Anymore 2016-04-02 07:43:00 -0700
    These types of decisions are soooo hard for so many reasons. Different circumstances, but I moved out of OUR apartment abotu 14 months after he died. I just couldnt be there anymore, surrounded by stuff and things that were part of a life that no longer existed. Like you, I felt like I didnt fit there anymore. I get it. Leaving there will be VERY hard once it actually happens, it will be extremely emotional, but I think once you do it, it will improve and open up your life greatly , and in ways you cant possibly see right now. So good for you, brave one. So excited to see you in June!

  • commented on A Toast to Drew 2016-03-29 19:00:47 -0700
    My God, Mike, this is absolutely beautiful. Again, you make me cry with your blog posts. DAMN YOU!!! lol. I looove that Shelby says hello to Drew when helicopters fly by, and I love that you realize the BEST way to honor Drew’s life and Megan’s , is for you and Sarah to live yours everyday to the fullest, always carrying them with you, together. And yes, being a good man and a good father and taking good care of Sarah and her you – that is absolutely what they would want, and what you would want too if the situations were reversed. Love is a beautiful thing.

  • commented on Free To Be Me 2016-03-21 07:13:24 -0700
    Penny, I am SO happy to hear that you will be coming to Toronto this fall. Please make sure to find me and say hello – you can never have too many amazing new widowed friends to help you through. I will tell you that the age range AND the number of years since loss, is VERY wide and varied at camp. There are definitely people there in your age range, and a year and a half is NOTHING as far as time. People come to camp after a decade or longer from their loss. Its a healing place, and a place where you can be YOU and feel like a human being again – I will be happy to see you there and Im so glad this blog helped you in making that choice.

  • commented on Perspectives from Camp Widow 2016-03-18 09:12:14 -0700
    I love this, Mike. I just wrote something along the same tone for my blog today / about why going to camp over and over again is always relevant and always different. And about what its like to be around other widowed people. Im so happy to know you and Sarah in this weird post-death life. Its such a hard road, made so much better when you find your people. Sunday was an awesome day.

  • commented on "It Isn't Just Me" 2016-03-06 14:02:29 -0800
    This HAS to be a sudden death thing. I feel this too. For sure. I find myself getting exhausted so much more easily than in my old life, because I have to DO so much more, alone, and have to work more and stay afloat , and write a stupid book about him dying – and then I get resentful of having to write a book, or of having to find the energy to help other people, even though I LOVE helping other people, but I am so tired and I need help too and nobody gets that. Then I get pissy and resentful at the new friendship/whatever this is thats going on with me and this person – because its all so complicated and HE is complicated emotionally and so I get pissy at the fact that he has his own demons and if Don wasnt DEAD I wouldnt have to deal with really liking someone new and not knowing how to move forward through their personal demons. So yeah, Im pretty grumpy about all that, and holy shit that felt good to get out LOL.

  • commented on On Being Cherished...and Kissed... 2016-03-02 10:19:47 -0800
    Well if the words themselves didnt make me sob, the pictures that followed did. This is soooo beautiful.

  • commented on Sharing Grief and Taking Steps 2016-03-02 10:12:33 -0800
    Beautiful Sarah. And you should be proud of yourself.

  • commented on Camp Widow Lite 2016-03-02 10:11:30 -0800
    I love this!!! And also, you love camp widow because you and Sarah MET there!!! Cant believe you didnt even MENTION that lol. … I love that Beth came to Sarahs art show and I love the bond between widowed friends …. great post.

  • commented on Wish You Were Here 2016-02-21 09:22:08 -0800
    I so wish you could have your mom. I totally sobbed reading this. I know every single day how lucky I am to have my parents, and that NEVER goes unnoticed by me, especially since knowing you, and others who dont have their parents around anymore. Those triggers are going to be there and they are so hard, but I do truly believe that in the end, you and Shelby are helping each other to heal. Like our friend Tom says “when you heal, I heal. When I heal, you heal.” That phrase comes to mind when I think of you and Shelby and how beautiful it is that you have her and she has you. Love you sarah. Love, your REAL “mommy” Bahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • commented on I Will Never Move On 2016-02-23 13:23:01 -0800
    Thank you Loretta . I AM writing a book. You will hear all about it once its finished lol.

  • commented on All I Can Be, For Now 2016-01-25 11:58:19 -0800
    I think that is very healthy and makes total sense, and really, if she is a good friend, she will understand that. You HAVE to take care of you right now. There will be a time when you CAN be there more for her and her child, but right now, you are emotionally exhausted and spent because of the huge thing you already did , so now, its about you. Take all the time you need. sometimes we just need to back away for awhile so that we can one day be fully immersed again. One day at a time, friend xo.

Kelley is a comedian, writer, actor, and speaker living in NYC. She married her soul-mate and best friend Don, in October of 2006. She was 35, and he was 42. Just over four years later, he would die shockingly from a massive heart-attack. Kelley has turne
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