Kelley Lynn

When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.

I Hate ....

I hate my anxiety.

I hate that my husband died,

while I was asleep,

at home,

and he had just left for work.

I hate that a ringing phone,

in the early morning hours,

will forever make me panicky,

and give me that feeling,

of knives sitting in my throat.


I hate that he just disappeared,

from my life.

He wasn't sick.

He wasn't ever sick.

And then,


just like that,

he was gone.


I hate that I was sleeping,

while my husband was collapsing,

on a floor,

inside a store,


Totally alone.


I have gone through the necessary therapy,

processing through these emotions,

feeling them,

letting them shift to somewhere different,

and it has helped,



I will always, always

feel a sense of helplessness,

and panic,

and unbelievable terror,

when its morning-time,

and I haven't heard from my love.

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3 reactions Share

  • commented on The First Big Departure 2015-09-20 13:17:41 -0700
    I love that you recognize and acknowledge that there will always be that other path of what COULD have happened had he not died … man, its so painful and hard to always know that, isnt it? To have it floating around, that big unanswered question. Like you said, it deserves tears. Im so happy, and sad, but mostly happy, for you, for the life you continue to create and live.

  • commented on Regretting an Absent Memory 2015-09-19 08:00:04 -0700
    BY the way, thank you for letting me tell the story about the Rainbow Bidge, which Ill be doing in my personal blog over the weekend. I havent had the time to properly write it all out, but I do today and tomorrow.

  • commented on What Not to Talk About on a First Date... 2015-09-19 07:48:05 -0700
    Ugh, yeah, this made me cringe. And you are WAY braver than me. I also want to fall in love again, but Im just NOT willing to “put myself out there” through the dating sites , or go on multiple dates with different people. I literally want my person to just fall into my lap, and if they dont, oh well. Im soooo not willing to go searching for them lol. Im too damn tired and lazy and Ive been through too much. I give you a lot of credit. That conversation had to be painful and sad. I would be afraid Id burst into tears from being forced to talk about , like you said, the "most painful thing " in my life. Major hugs, woman. xoxo

  • commented on Parallels & Pushing On 2015-09-06 09:02:11 -0700
    Cant. Stop. Crying. The stars . Your mom. Shelby’s mom. Her bedroom. Your bedroom. All of it. How unbelievably poetic and beautiful. I want to know everything. How it goes with the parents, how it goes with the rental place, Im going to be stalking your life cuz this shit is awesome and fascinating and beautiful and epic. See you in a few days!!!!

  • commented on The Tangible Taste of Missing Him 2015-09-05 07:38:55 -0700
    Yeah. I soooo get it. Its always there. The missing . Always. Ive been missing mine like mad lately too. That ache …

  • commented on What A Man Is 2015-09-03 20:43:52 -0700
    Wow thanks guys for all the comments. Some of them came later in the week so I didnt see them until now. Im so glad this resonated with so many of you. Rebecca – thats how I feel too, like I already paid my dues for YEARS with the horrid dating and the single life. Ugh. It sucks…..

  • commented on Ian's Birthday Gift 2015-08-27 07:52:48 -0700
    Oh wow, I had no idea this was your final post. What a beautiful way to end - and begin. You look so happy in this picture and this is such a beautiful and love-filled story. I will miss your blog posts, and I wish you so much joy in life ahead !

  • commented on The Two Faces of Fall 2015-08-23 07:27:30 -0700
    I actually remember you doing that haunted house, and how much fun you said you had. You are going to love the autumn leaves. One day, you NEED to come to where I grew up in Massachusetts. They are truly the most beautiful in New England. Mass, Vermont, New Hampshire. The leaves are stunning in October.

  • commented on I Choose Love - Over and Over Again 2015-08-22 08:50:12 -0700
    AMen to that.

  • commented on The Warrior and the Wildflowers 2015-08-16 13:09:43 -0700
    So weird, because I SORT OF talked about something a bit similar, but yet very different, in my Friday post. It was about food, but the pattern of how I use it to cope with tragedy, trauma, grief, etc. But, unlike you, when Don died, I DID go right back to my old ways of using food as my escape / numb place / sheild against the world. It was only just recently that I am finally breaking free of that, like a mmonth ago, and trying a new way. Im super proud of you for all the ways you have opened yourself up to love , and I have seen it happen first-hand in you. Since I first knew you until now, the changes are immense and quite beautiful. Love you xo.

  • commented on Widowed... without children 2015-08-15 10:25:17 -0700
    Oh I totally get this, except after 4 years , Im STILL not ready to date, AND Im 43 instead of 35. So, I pretty much have accepted that my chances at being a mom are gone. Theyre just gone. Its something else Ive had to grieve, and it sucks. I cry about it a lot, and its a horrible thing to realize. But there it is. I hope your next happiness in love is just around the corner…….

  • commented on Food, My Old Friend 2015-08-15 10:27:11 -0700
    Thanks Marissa, but I really really hate ANYTHING in my water except ice. No lemon, no fruit, no nothing. And I dont like seltzer/club soda, yuck. So thats out. Ill just deal with the water lol. Its boring as hell, but oh well.

  • commented on We Have a Widow's Voice Baby! 2015-08-11 16:45:05 -0700
    A beautiful story. Congrats!

  • commented on A Big Little First 2015-08-09 09:07:43 -0700
    Sniff sniff ….. you have no idea how much I look forward to reading about you and Mike and Shelby and Drew and Megan and your beautifully amazing extended family …. and yes, your mom is all over this too. Im SO happy for you that being with Shelby is so healing , and it makes total sense why. Its just so damn beautiful …….

  • commented on Happy for You, In Pain for Me 2015-08-09 09:44:31 -0700
    Arnie, you are SOOOO worthy of love, and dont ever think otherwise. We all love you and you have found a second chance in Beth, and she is a beautiful soul. We were honored to be there to witness it. I think the pain just comes with the territory of being widowed, but its very much worth it. I was SO HAPPY just seeing you happy. And its really normal that you had your own trigger moments too. Im so happy for you, I really cant say it enough times xoxo

  • commented on The Anger isn't as Important as the Love 2015-08-08 10:52:52 -0700
    This made me teary too. We both need a big ole hug right about now lol. So strange that we both went to our 3rd wedding since the death, on the same day, and we both wrote about it and found it really really hard. And I totally get the anger thing. Youre right. The love is more important, but I do think in order to get past the anger, you need to feel it and let yourself BE angry as long as and whenever you need to. Talk about it in grief counseling and move through it, and then it will eventually let itself go. Just my opinion, but I went through a VERY angry stage and thats what I did. I also let it out in physical ways. Punching bag. Beating up my steering wheel while parked in my car. Screaming my head off. I did these thingsfor months before I finally didnt need to anymore. Love you xoxo

  • commented on Decade 2015-08-04 20:48:12 -0700
    I love the way you write. Im so happy for you and Sarah and Shelby for this next adventure you are all about to go on … I am pretty sure that Megan approves 100%.

  • commented on Widow Bingo 2015-08-02 18:36:22 -0700
    It is the absolute WORST when you are being held hostage by someone who is making dumb comments. Happened to me at the hair salon, and theres literally nowhere to run, because your hair is being washed under a public sink. Ughhhhh. Brave, sweet girl you are going to that wedding. Id love to hear how it was for you. I was at Arnie’s wedding that same day – and there were LOTS of very unexpected grief triggers for those of us widowed peeps who went. It was interesting. And it was hard. And I was soooo happy for him. and I felt all of those emotions at the exact same time, in the exact same breath.

  • commented on Grieving the Grief Years 2015-08-02 18:30:01 -0700
    Wow. So many changes coming. And so many changes within you. Its a lot to take in and process and live. But youre doing a beautiful job ..

  • commented on Second Year Milestones... and Counting 2015-07-18 15:45:10 -0700
    Love you. Cant wait to see you again. For me, year two was absolute hell on earth, but so was year one. Just in a different way. This past year, year 4, was the first one I felt like I was actually living fully and where I have grown the most and healed the most so far. I was a mess the first 2 and a half years at least lol.

Kelley is a comedian, writer, actor, and speaker living in NYC. She married her soul-mate and best friend Don, in October of 2006. She was 35, and he was 42. Just over four years later, he would die shockingly from a massive heart-attack. Kelley has turne
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