Just This~

The stars, the moon, the Universe. Something greater and more powerful than I.  This is what I need to grasp and know and hold close because I'm foundering within that very Universe.  For 24 years I was so certain of where my feet stood, what my life was, and I lived it with passion, appreciating every day of it with my beloved husband. Now that he's gone, I am untethered and unmoored.

When not on the road these days, I'm in Arizona, with the desert where I can gaze up into the star-speckled night sky, untouched by light pollution. It is my intent when I return there (I'm currently in Connecticut for our youngest son's wedding) to take my PinkMagic trailer and boon-dock for a night or two so that I can be alone and turn my gaze into the stillness and mightiness of the galaxies overhead and maybe, hopefully, find a measure of comfort in contemplating the hugeness of that night ceiling. Chuck is so very gone from me that I'm teetering on the edge of desperation to find something that is bigger than I, so massive that it overwhelms this grief and alone-ness that grips my very bones. 

He and I used to sit in our backyard and gaze up at the full moon. I have memories of him with his arms around me, catching the beauty of that moon while in New Hampshire, our first trip together after our initial meeting, or sitting on the stoop of his parents' home in Indiana our first time there as a married couple. The one time since his death that I had a vision of him was when I was receiving acupuncture and in my mind's eye I was standing atop a mountain top in the desert, at night, and suddenly Chuck was there, taking my hand and putting his arm around me, and spinning me into the Universe, dancing me among the stars.

Celestial. The magic of the Heavens and the glory of that great Unknown. It easily reflects this painful search for an antidote to the emptiness inside of me. 

I don't even feel as if my words make sense any longer, whether written or spoken, except by showing the confusion that is my soul and my very being in these times. So I'll end this post by sharing with you some beautiful words that I listen to each morning and each evening, and many times during the day. This video is the only thing that brings me a sense of something that is just out of my grasp but still meaningful. Within the beauty of this video is the thing that will connect me with him again.

Possibly you will recognize something in it for yourself too.  This is the link to A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me~

Showing 2 reactions

Please check your e-mail for a link to activate your account.
  • M C
    commented 2015-06-07 22:44:19 -0700
    Power through words. That’s what you always reveal Alison,through your words and this time with others. I am having a terrifically hard time finding sense in any of this and find I don’t care. After 28 months of trying to find a way out,through it or around it I am trying to repress the angst but it is getting worse not better. It’s just getting so hard to do this.
  • Diane Taylor
    commented 2015-06-03 08:00:30 -0700
    Hi Allison – I found myself reading WV over 3 years ago, when I lost my only child Jonathan Paul Daily in a fire (he was in his apartment at the time and was found feet from the door). Only 24 with his whole life ahead of him. I was devastated beyond words. I started to fear losing my husband too – he is the only thing I have left in this world. Somehow I found this blog and it resonated with me. I realize my grief is different from a widow’s grief – but I kept on reading every post. I want to thank you fo rposting this amazing video – I cried thru most of it, as I often look to the sky and talk to my son. I never believed in the afterlife but now….I do. I have pictures taken from our security camera of a bright light at our back door – and I know it’s Jonathan. I’ve even had a paranormal research group at my home investigating the many bright-light pictures we have seen over the last 3 years. I have enjoyed all your posts, they often reflect how I feel. Different yet the same. And so it goes…..

    Thanks again….

    Diane Taylor