Antonella Totino

  • commented on Today I'am Ok But Not Everyday 2018-12-04 01:01:44 -0800
    Hi, Eileen
    I’m coping. A year has now passed on Nov. 4th. Tough.
    Thanksgiving. tough. worse actually bC that was the day he went into hospital and never returned. The lead up to his anniversary was terrible.
    I miss him every minute and think of him every second. My fog is easing BUT IN ITS WAKE ARE MEMORIES and pain of what actually happened. My for was protecting me from the true reality.
    I just pray and each day becomes another. I don’t know who I am either, still working on that. Sadness is who Ive become. My name is sadness. weird. it’s all weird this world without him.
    I saw a medium. She simply confirmed that my husband is in peace and that he is close by. Incredible actually. But seeing her didn’t change anything for me. It kind of upset me bc she connected me to him in that moment and then it was over.
    I wish I had answers for you but I don’t. I just cry and grieve and try to face my new reality.
    People say to go out and socialize. No thanks b.s. when I come home, I’m sadder than before.
    I’m not ready to let go. I feel guilty.
    A bible scripture says that God doesn’t want us to grieve like others who do not have HOPE.
    I’m not hopeless just heartbroken. Made me think in a different way and count the blessings that I do have.
    I also have to think about the living. Do u believe that in the midst of this grief that I ALMOST forgot my son’s birthday. That woke me up. How can I forget my kids who ate still alive and ALSO grieving. A widows grief is soo different than any other grief.
    Let’s talk more often. I’ve missed sharing. Perhaps we can exchange emails?
    I have another great support site, if ur interested. Very inspirational.
    Let me know.
    Prayers for you.
    One foot in front of the other.
    Pretend, Pretend, Pretend.

    Antonella

  • commented on The Only and the Already 2018-09-05 16:33:37 -0700
    Kathy,
    I am so sorry for you.
    How terrible and frightening.
    People simply do not know how to deal with grief and so they react ignorantly.
    Do not be embarrassed.
    I have screamed and cried many times. Still do everyday. Maybe not so much screaming anymore but tears of sorrow.
    Take time and cry whenever it comes because those tears come and come and come….
    Tears of sorrow and Love.

  • commented on Don't Take The Boy 2018-09-05 16:18:53 -0700
    I am 10 months in and the guilt sometimes overides me.
    How didn’t I know he was so sick?
    How couldn’t I have helped more and why didn’t I…….
    The emptiness in my heart is overwhelming. I too, don’t get it. He’s gone. Totally from this earth.
    The exhaustion both physically and emotionally when my husband was in hospital was unbearable. Having to handle work and kids and hospital and traveling and trying to not lose your mind was inexplicable.
    I understand why you didn’t go to the hospital. Only we bereaved and widowed can understand.
    Oh, the loneliness and sorrow.
    Indie, how did you make it over the years? I can’t even look beyond tomorrow.

  • commented on Claiming Your Name 2018-08-11 13:58:15 -0700
    Wow.
    A beautiful way to honor his name, creative too.

  • commented on Aloha and Mahalo 2018-08-05 09:48:44 -0700
    Thank you for your honesty.
    Your comment:
    It has all changed so very, very much since he died. Not good or bad, only both."
    So true. The lack of control that I dont have never really had. I have come to truly understand. Time passing, people weaving in and out, death, life continuing, regardless.
    Tough, tough lessons to learn.
    Best of luck.

  • commented on The White Rabbit 2018-08-02 12:29:22 -0700
    That is, this is my life too.
    Alone. every chore, every decision now gets done alone.
    Hard, but everything will get done. To hell with the laundry. I have clean clothes in my closet.
    I’ll deal with them another day.
    Deal with what you can handle.
    No-one comes over anymore anyway!!!

  • commented on Envious 2018-07-30 14:01:08 -0700
    I’m envious too.
    Grieving is such hard work every day and every second. I may smile at something and the grief monster is back, reminding me. Always reminding me.
    Why me? Why not me I guess. Others have it worse but I can’t see beyond my grief. I feel sorry for their losses bc I know of the ensuing sorrow but I can’t get it of my head.
    Unfortunately, everyone will experience death and loss but Im envious off those who haven’t had to experience it yet.

  • commented on Happy Birthday 3292014 2018-07-29 10:26:44 -0700
    Beautiful.
    I’ve received signs from husband, still do. All kinds, but many of which only I would understand.
    You are blessed to have so many loving you and supporting you.

  • commented on Dark and Hidden 2018-07-28 07:12:53 -0700
    Wow.
    First I’ve ever heard anyone to admitting such deep experiences and then tabled with grief. Sorry for your loss.
    My marriage wasn’t perfect either, far from it actually. We were married for 29 years together for 8. That’s a long freaking time. But I too feel uncomfortable mentioning anything negative. In some ways I feel like I’m disrespecting my husband. So, I generally keep such feelings to myself.
    My mother always says " never speak Ill of the dead" So, I don’t.
    No-one is perfect. In life.
    Also, my husband died primarily of liver disease and other complications. A sudden diagnosis and passing within a month. Horrible. Unexpected.
    It’s only been 8 months.
    But a lot of people question " well, isn’t liver disease caused by…..?" it is made to sound taboo. That addicts and other problems cause liver issues. What the hell!
    So, when people ask I just say he was very ill. Which in itself is true. But to lessen the judgements and questions, I keep it quiet. WTF do other people care what the causes of death were? They should care more about how wonderful a person he was and how his passing has left his children fatherless and his wife heartbroken. Its mostly from people we havent seen in years.
    Sometimes people want dirty. gossip. To accomplish what? To make the widow feel even worse?
    Thank you for sharing. I don’t feel as isolated.

  • commented on One Month Till One Year 2018-07-28 06:48:00 -0700
    I dread each Saturday of every month and every 4th of every month. Next week will be 9 months. November will be one year.
    I’m already thinking about having to take that day or days off from work. The dread and onslaught of sadness and memories. Terrible memories, makes me relive every second. Memories which I put aside bc they’re too painful but when the anniversaries arrive or the days before. WHAM!
    sorry for the loss of your love.

  • commented on How Are You 2018-07-28 06:39:08 -0700
    Totally relatable.
    Many don’t ask much anymore bc the sadness is too sad- for THEM. Once a very kind colleague asked how I was doing. She asked about about my kids and life without my husband. So, I told her. For a very long time. I couldn’t stop myself. She looked overwhelmed but compassionate and with tears in her eyes. I thanked her for listening. It was lovely BUT I felt like a nimrod.
    Poor woman. I just bombarded her. She seemed genuinely concerned but I’m certain she wasn’t expecting a counselling session.
    When I saw her again, I apologized! Me, apologizing for expressing my deep grief bc someone cared! She explained that if she didn’t care she wouldn’t have asked.
    Wish everyone was so compassionate and honest.
    Difficult to navigate through everyone else’s feelings.
    You showed such kindness to the gentleman in the cemetary.
    Love the status quo response.

  • commented on In Love With...A Dead Man 2018-07-27 13:17:27 -0700
    I too think about my husband every second. Before going to sleep, in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep( which is often)
    and upon waking and then it starts all over again.
    I had to get my vehicle serviced. What the hell do I know about that stuff? That was my husband’s role. So, at the mechanic my thoughts go to him.
    Am I doing the right thing? what would you do? everything. everywhere.
    You’re at 5 years? I’m at 8 months, soon to be nine months next week. How did you get there?
    Thanks for sharing.

  • commented on The Me in the We 2018-07-21 10:05:01 -0700
    I, too, " grew up" with my husband. We were high school sweethearts and dated for 8 years and then we married. we were married for 29 years!

    I was 25 when we married and now Im 55 and my husband is gone. He was such a huge part of my life. I literally learned to be an adult, alongside him. He was only 54 when he died. 8 months ago.
    I am trying to figure out who I am, by myself, without him.
    Tough lesson to learn.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • commented on The Me Now 2018-07-21 09:53:41 -0700
    Wow.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings about people telling you that you are strong. I too get confused. I too, feel like a fake bc what they see is not what I feel or what I feel behind closed doors. You are right, what choice do we have?
    I’m not at the point yet where I can make plans and follow them through. Maybe one day.
    Thanks and good luck.

  • commented on The Story 2018-07-20 15:18:59 -0700
    Love it.
    It is also my story. My waking story and bedtime story my any time of the day story. My story, to whomever wants to hear it but I too am choosing to whom to retell the story.
    I find that people dont want to hear it, they ask out of courtesy. “how are you doing, what happened?” But once you tell them, they appear overwhelmed and you can sense that they’re “done” with the conversation.
    “So sorry to hear that” and step away. My story alone. Death stories scare people, they want to hear happy stories.
    How I am even able to write this comment is beyond my comprehension. What the hell happened 8 months ago? Is it real? Yes, yes, yes.
    La mia storia. Mia vita.
    My story. My life.
    Thank you for sharing your story to a community who wants to hear more stories.

  • commented on Catching a Glimpse, I Think~ 2018-07-20 07:02:44 -0700
    Love your honesty.
    I too don’t know what the hell I am doing or supposed to be doing. ALL I want to do is run away but where and How? But the sorrow will always be with me. Every freaking second.
    You are right about being alone. Even with your children, family and friends.
    My children have lost their beloved daddy. I lost my daddy too but I was able to continue on. My children miss their dad every minute and yet they are able to go out with their friends and girlfriends. Friends and family continue on.
    ME? I’m home alone when my kids go out. I’m alone when I wake up. I’m alone when I walk the dog in the early hours.
    I have had to take on a new role. alone. After being married for 29 years, How do I do this alone? 8 months of loneliness and yes, confusion.

  • commented on Being Mom And Dad 2018-07-19 19:43:01 -0700
    I too don’t know how to be a dad and each time my kids want something or need something that they did with their dad, it breaks my heart over and over again. Life changes for everyone and I have to remember that. Sometimes, I am so entrenched in my own grief that I miss some of their signs of loss.
    Loss of a spouse impacts the entire family on so many levels.
    The remaining spouse/parent has to take on all responsibilities which were shared.
    So hard and only 8 months in.

  • commented on Sympathy Pains 2018-07-19 13:44:10 -0700
    I understand.
    My husband too lost his life to liver failure and man, did it happen fast. He was gone in 1 MONTH!!! 30 YEARS together. Gone in one month. For ME, a sudden or fast death is harder bc there is no preparation, no final words to each other, the children. Bang. Gone.
    I have read that there are different places in the body that hold onto grief. For ME, it is my stomach too. I have tightness and I feel stress there. My son, his chest. My other son his throat. Lots of sore throats. So, I think you are correct that your symptoms are grief symptoms. They hurt like hell.

  • commented on Tiresome Grief 2018-07-19 13:29:48 -0700
    I thought I had tried out the exhaustion road bc I was so fatigued in the early days. It’s now 8 months but this last month, it has returned. My heart is so heavy and my brain is exhausted with all the overthinking and sadness, regrets, what ifs, what now, what today, tomorrow. I am well into my 50’s and having to think about the future alone. How can this have happened?
    I just want to disappear.

  • commented on Parenting and Grieving, How the Hell? 2018-07-19 03:38:56 -0700
    Parenting in all its forms is challenging let alone parenting AND grieving.
    When my husband, my children’s father passed away ( 8 months now), I was barely treading water, in fact I was drowning. I could barely look after myself let alone my kids- emotionally and yet they needed ME! What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know. All I wanted to do was stay in bed all day and cry. I didn’t want to take care of anyone ELSE. But they’re my children and they just lost their father. My oldest would say that it was depressing in the house, so much sadness and crying. My youngest would scream and leave the room when he would see me cry. So, I had to support them and talk to them.
    I would go to the washroom or in my car or walk my dog and bawl my eyes out. I still do that.
    So hard to have to share your grief when you don’t want to bc your heart is so broken but I have to and I have to look outside myself and see my children’s brokeness too.
    Still today, this minute, I want to lock myself away but…. the children call.
    We mom’s need to give each other a break and not be so judgemental.
    Sarah, give yourself some time to adjust to motherhood as well as to the loss of your dear mother.